Look in the Mirror || nextTalk10

A bedtime question changed everything: “How can I be a better mom?” What came next—“You’re not a good listener”—cracked open a new way of parenting that traded control for connection and turned our home into a place where hard topics could be spoken out loud.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Communication Beats Controls
• 2:48 The Bedside Question That Changed Everything
• 6:30 Learning To Ask For Examples
• 10:00 Owning The Problem And Listening
• 13:10 Accountability, Report Cards, And Growth
• 17:20 Beyond Safety: Marriage And Family Transformed
• 21:10 Not Perfection: Becoming The First Call

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture, and faith with our kids. Look in the mirror. Out of all the next talk 10, this one is the most difficult. When I first realized that the key to keeping my kids safe online and off is open communication, a healthy relationship between parent and child. When I recognize that, I had no idea to actually implement that in my home. I didn't grow up in a family where we talked about these things. I think most of us didn't because we our parents didn't have to. They didn't have to address all the stuff that we're having to address when our kids are little because they're being exposed to things. And so I had no idea what was step one. Like, do we every night at dinner tackle a topic? You know, how how do I approach this in my home? And one night the Lord prompted me and said, crawl in bed with your daughter. And at the time she was in the fourth grade, she was nine years old. And, you know, we had just walked through her and my son being exposed to some things. And we were on this journey of kind of figuring out how do we keep our kids safe? And the Lord led us to Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7, create a culture of open communication. And so I was like, Lord, what is step one? Like, how do I do this? Will you teach me how to talk to my kids in a relevant and biblical way? And so one night he prompted me and said, Crawl in bed with her. I want you to ask her this question. So I'm crawling in bed with her. She's nine years old. I'm rubbing her back, you know, the lights are out. And I say to her, How can I be a better mom? And you guys, I was really not prepared for her answer. Because, you know, she's in the fourth grade, she's little. I'm actually thinking she's gonna say, Mommy, you're the best mommy in the entire world. Um, that didn't happen. Most kids are pretty honest, and mine was. And laying in her bed that night, she said to me, Mom, you are not a good listener. And when she said it, I got super defensive in my head. I was thinking, little girl, you have no idea what it's like to be an adult. I have bills to pay, I have laundry, I have everything that I'm juggling, right? I mean, I'm going insane over here, trying to manage it all. I was thinking it, but I didn't say it because she was telling me you're not a good listener. And just out popped this reply to her. You know, so I say, How can I be a better mom? She says, You're not a good listener. And I reply, can you give me an example? Again, that was a Holy Spirit moment because the can you give me an example? I have used that for years now to gather context on what my kids are trying to tell me. For example, you pick your child up tomorrow at school. Your child jumps in the car and says, My friend is getting bullied on the playground, right? Instead of texting and emailing everyone right away and lecturing on bullying, instead of reacting that way, we shift and we say, Can you give me an example? Can you tell me how your friend is being bullied? Because then we're gathering context of what's in their little brain, what they're really trying to tell us. So that one-liner has been gold. Give me an example. Can you give me an example? But laying there that night, I say, How can I be a better mom? She says, You're not a good listener. I say, Can you give me an example? And she says, just the other night, we were in the kitchen, you were doing dishes, you know, dinner, and you were on your phone. You, I think you were texting or on Facebook or something. And I'm at the island doing my homework, and I'm telling you about what's happening in my friend group. And you're nodding and you're acting like you're hearing everything in the middle of stirring and checking your phone. You're nodding your head and you're saying, Yes, yes, I know, I know, sister. Yeah. But she said a little later in the night, you started asking me questions. And all the questions you were asking me, I had just given you that information. So you're really not listening to me, mom. You're acting like you are, and you're nodding your head, but you're not listening to me. So why would I tell you what's going on if you're not gonna really hear me? She said that to me that night. And I'm scratching her back and she can't see my face. But that was the moment that I realized I'm the problem. I'm the problem. We don't have healthy communication in our home. And I share that story with you because we are the leaders in our home. Most likely, if our kids are not communicating with us, it's because of something we are doing and we don't understand we're doing it. We're not meaning to do it. I wasn't meaning to shut down conversation, but I was because I wasn't a good listener. So that night in her bedroom, when she told me all that, I mean, I was fighting back the tears, and I definitely did not want to cry in front of her because I wanted her to be honest with me. And I didn't want to be emotional because the next time she's like, I'm not gonna be honest because she's gonna start crying and I don't want to deal with all that, right? So, as heartbreaking as it was, and I was fighting back the tears, I said to her, thank you so much for being honest with me. You know, my relationship with you and your brother and your dad, it's the most important thing to me in this world, other than my relationship with Jesus. You guys are my priority. And obviously, I've got too much going on because I'm not being a good listener. And I am really going to try and work on this. So, will you do me a favor? Will you hold me accountable? If I mess up, will you tell me? You know, just I ask you don't call me out in front of everybody else, just pull me aside or tell me later. But I want you to hold me accountable. And you guys, I'm not even lying. She did. In fact, she created a little report card for me. It had lines and stickers and all the things. Every nine weeks, I would get a report card on how I was doing as a listener. Now, as she aged and she got older, it looked differently. Her feedback that she would be giving me or her accountability. I remember one time she pulled me in the bedroom and you know, she told me, Bubby's trying to talk to you right now and you're not listening again. And again, I got defensive because guess what? She was right. So I had to gather myself up, not get defensive in front of her and say, thank you so much for telling me. I know you're just trying to help me have a good relationship with Bubba. So she would call me out like things like that through the years. Before she left for college, I got a really nice note from her, handwritten. That's kind of like my love language. I love, I mean, I'm an author, so I love words, right? In the middle of this long note, there was this one little sentence that said something like, You've become such a good listener. And you guys, that meant more to me than anything, because my daughter saw that naturally I wasn't good at listening. And naturally I was shutting down communication, didn't realize it. But because I loved her so much, I was willing to look in the mirror and say to myself, you got to work on this, Mandy. This is not good. This is not a good trait that you have. You need to be continuously improving, getting better every day. You need to improve this. And I can't even tell you how much the attitude of look in the mirror has changed every relationship in my life. I set out on a journey to keep my kids safe online. Like I just did not want them addicted to porn, right? Did not want them looking at porn. Like that was the journey. Like, how am I going to protect them with this overexposed world? But God's solution of Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7, build a healthy home where you talk about everything. You guys, it has transformed every aspect of my life. Like God's solution is so much bigger than just parenting. And the other thing is, you know, I did not realize when my kids were young that they are going to move out of my house. I have one now. She's gone. She's living her own life, an amazing life, right? She doesn't have to come home if she doesn't want to. Recently, she came home for several weeks because she had some time off and she said, I just want to come home. And when she called and asked if she could come home on these certain dates, after we got off the phone, I looked at my husband and I said, if this whole thing hadn't started years ago when they were nine and six and started getting exposed to everything, and we hadn't made this shift to be a next talk family, you know, where we're committed to open communication, healthy dialogue in our home, I don't think this kid would have ever wanted to come visit us. Because old Mandy was helicoptering. Old Mandy was just about the rules. That's what I was about. I just protect, protect, protect. New Mandy moved into this space where I'm building a relationship. And as I was building a relationship, it required me to look in the mirror and fix my faults. And that has made me a better human being. It has made me a better spouse. Like I didn't even know Matt and I had a difficult marriage before, but I look at it now and it's so much better because of our communication. We've learned to each look in the mirror. Part of looking in the mirror is being humble, admitting that you are not perfect. You're not perfect, your kids aren't going to be perfect, and you never will be. But being able to submit to the Lord and saying, I didn't get that right. Man, I need to do better next time and learning and growing every day, continuously improving until that moment we get to heaven, right? We're continuously improving to be more like Jesus until we get to heaven. That's where healthy homes thrive. It's where we raise amazing kids, not perfect kids, not perfect kids. I was telling somebody the other day, you know, the purpose of next talk is not to raise a perfect child. The purpose of next talk is when your child messes up, stumbles, needs help, you're the first call. Because they love you, they feel safe with you and they trust you. Because you have looked in the mirror and you've done the difficult work to become a better person so you can be a better parent. That evening when she told me that I was not a good listener. You know, I had that conversation with her. I apologized and, you know, told her she was so important. But then I remember going into our bedroom and shutting the door and literally just breaking down with my husband. And I remember saying, I have completely failed as a mom. Like I'm not a good listener. I don't even know why you guys like me. I mean, I was being so hard on myself. And I remember my husband just being so gracious. And he said, Honey, all of us have stuff. None of us get everything right. You have got to give yourself grace. The fact that you are willing to ask our daughter, what can I do better? And you hear her and you realize you're really not good at that, that's an amazing human being. And I want to encourage that today with you. You may have yelled at your kid today. You may have gone off, you may have looked back over the last couple of months or years and thought, oh my gosh, I have really messed this up. That's why Jesus is so amazing, because forgiveness is there for us. God is about redemption. God is about taking mistakes, taking broken people, and making amazing, beautiful stories out of it. You've heard that quote, mess to message, right? Pain to purpose. Let God do that for you. Let God do that for your home. As I'm talking about looking in the mirror, one of the lessons that I've learned along the way is this. I got really excited about open communication and building this healthy dialogue with our kids. And I saw it happening, especially after school, on the way home. You know, I was primarily the parent that was responsible for carpool. And a lot of conversations happened in the car right after school. And one of the things in our home that started happening was I was really passionate about it because I saw the kids shifting with my response and how I was handling things. And I saw it was good. And Matt, you know, my husband, he didn't really get to see that as much. And so I started like almost nagging him to have the same kind of conversations with our kids that I was having. And I will tell you, in the very beginning, this caused a little bit of friction. God wasn't showing him the same things that God was showing me every day. And what I want to share, I mean, especially with the wives, but the primary person that's at home with the kids, right? That's all the time having the conversations. You cannot nag your spouse into a real authentic dialogue with people. And what I mean with that is you can't nag your spouse into having the same kind of conversations that you're having with your kids. One day, I'll I will never forget this. It's it's so funny. I had a meeting downtown early in the morning. It was with a superintendent at a school district in our hometown. And I remember telling Matt, you're gonna have to go into the office late because I need you to take the kids to school. And I'm, you know, driving down, battling the morning traffic that he normally has to deal with. I get to the superintendent's office. I'm walking in. It's a very quiet building, very quiet building, and I get a call from my husband. And I thought, oh my gosh, something's wrong. He doesn't know what to do, you know, something like that. I answer the phone and he is almost shouting. Matt is not an emotional person. He doesn't get loud, he doesn't shout often, he doesn't yell often. So I pick up the phone and he's like almost hysterical. I took note. And he was like, Mandy, Mandy, oh my gosh, it works. It works. And I said, Honey, what are you talking about? And he said, This stuff you're talking about, like open communication, healthy dialogue. He said, I had 10 minutes in the car and like we covered pornography and masturbation. You guys, he said that very loud. And I'm in a quiet office building, and they had just called me back to meet the superintendent. And I know they heard those words. And I just remember thinking, oh my gosh, we're not a weird family. Okay, yes, we are a weird family. Like I just felt so conflicted in the moment because I knew that God had showed my husband how important conversations are. Let your spouse figure it out on their own how to have these conversations. A lot of times, the way Matt talks with our kids is very different than how I do. I'm one of those, like, let's talk about this aspect, let's talk about this, let's talk about brain science. Matt will just be like, that's not okay. Like he, it's different the way he handles it that I do. And you know what? That is okay. Some topics he's better at handling than I am. Sometimes our kids will call me, sometimes they will call dad. So don't get jealous. Just know that God has created your spouse to compliment you, right? And I think that's what's so unique about marriage and God's plan for it is that He knows that, you know, I always joke with Matt, I'm like, we're so different. Like as a female, I'm so different than the male brain and how it thinks. But like God loves diversity. And he says, I want marriage to be diverse. I want these two voices speaking into children at different times. And I've seen this just throughout our marriage, when there's times when Matt needs to step in and take the lead because I'm not getting it right, or vice versa. Like I have to step in and help because, you know, Matt's it's he's just shutting down all communication and we're holding each other accountable. But guess what? We're doing all that because we're able to look in the mirror. We both realize we're flawed human beings, and that we need the wisdom of the Lord to help guide us every day with every conversation with our kids. Change in my home, it begins with me and my spouse. It begins honestly with my heart, with my relationship with Jesus, working on me, changing me, making me a better person, making me more like Jesus. But that requires me to be humble. It requires me to submit to Jesus and his teachings. And it requires me to realize that sometimes I am the problem. I'm the problem. We live in a culture that is very me-focused. I want what I want. My feelings matter above everyone else's. I am here to tell you that I don't think that's true. We are to submit daily to Jesus. We are to serve those around us. As I've continued through the years in learning how to build a better relationship with my kids and my spouse, God has showed me over and over again that it's very similar to following Him. Before, when I was not a believer, I felt like He was just full of rules and restrictions, and He just kind of didn't want me to have any fun. That's how I felt. And honestly, that's how old Mandy parented because I was just so afraid. And all I wanted to do was protect my kids. So it was just rules, boundaries, more restrictions, you know, helicoptering, just smothering my kids really and nagging them so much. When I switched to new Mandy and started building the relationship, it just reminded me so much of when I gave my life to Christ. When I submitted to the Lord and I realized all of those horrible things I did as a teenager, all of the mistakes that I had made that I wanted better for my kids, God still loved me anyway. He wanted a relationship with me. He was after my heart. He was after my soul. And that's how we need to be with our kids. No matter how many mistakes they make, no matter how many bad paths they choose. It's that unconditional love. I want your heart. I want your character. I'm going to keep fighting for you. I love you no matter what. And you guys, that has just transformed everything. I thought I was just setting out to keep my kids safe online, but God's solution did so much more. He changed my family and he started that change in my family by me being willing to look in the mirror and say, How do I need to be better? I'm going to challenge you, no matter where you are in your parenting journey. It's great, you're just getting started, you're overwhelmed, or you've messed everything up. I encourage you to ask your child, how can I be a better mom? How can I be a better dad? And please be kind and gentle in your response. If you get emotional, process it with someone else, not in front of your child. But if your child actually is honest with you, no matter how harsh it may be, or no matter how many things they need you to fix and they tell you you're doing wrong, listen to me. It is a win because your child is being honest with you. And if we can really hear that and make adjustments, that's how God is going to change our relationship and make it healthy. Listen and look in the mirror. It's the key.

SPEAKER_00: 22:43

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