Teach Red Flag Reporting

Some lessons about online safety never show up in an app store. We walk through the practice that changed our home: teaching kids to be their own filter through red flag reporting. Instead of waiting for a device to block danger, we build the habit of honest, early reporting and a parent response that starts with calm praise, not panic.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Relationship Beats Restrictions
• 1:36 The Origin of Red Flag Reporting
• 2:41 Kids as Their Own Filter
• 4:17 Building the Reporting List
• 6:16 Praise, Don’t Panic
• 8:49 Age-Appropriate Language and Examples
• 11:02 From Alerts to Deeper Family Packs
• 12:33 Evolving Guidelines as Kids Mature
• 14:18 Readiness for Phones: Behavior First
• 16:06 Why Reporting Beats Google or AI
• 17:28 Final Takeaways and Support

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture, and faith with our kids. Teach red flag reporting. That is one of our core next talk 10 best practices. And honestly, you know, here at Art Nonprofit, we really focus on building the relationship with our kids. We believe that is key to keeping kids safe in a digital world. These next talk 10 practices is kind of like the formula that God gave me when I was first starting out on this journey 12 years ago, trying to figure out how to protect my kids. They were being exposed to inappropriate content and they did not have phones. They were six and nine. You guys now know they are 18 and 21. So looking back, this formula of the next talk 10, which I write about in my Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World book, this is really what helped cultivate a culture of conversation in our home. That healthy dialogue that I'm always talking about, that is the solution, which comes from Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7 when it says talk with your kids. You know, these four key times to talk with our kids when we're on the go, when we're at home, when we're getting up, and when we're going to bed. This practice in particular, the teach the red flag reporting, I want to tell you how that came about and where that came from. I truly believe it's one of the very unique features of Next Talk and what sets us apart from a lot of other digital parenting organizations. Because when I started Next Talk, there weren't other nonprofits like ours. Like I created what I needed in that moment. And as God was showing me these 10 characteristics that needed to be in place to have a healthy dialogue at home, this one was critical in implementing. And I kind of want to explain how that how that happened. So one of the things that I noticed early on when they were little was they would hear things in a conversation on the bus at the lunch table, and no filter on a phone would catch that. They didn't have phones, but even if they did, it wouldn't have caught the inappropriate content through the conversation. I realized my kids had to be their own filter. So to teach that, what I did was I wrote out a list of these are the things that I want you to report to me. So when we say red flag reporting, these are like guidelines, a list of these are the things I want you to tell me about. And what's cool about this is you list them out. And what we want to happen is if they are in a conversation on the bus and one of these topics comes up, a red flag alert goes off in their brain to be like, hmm, that's something that I need to go talk to mom and dad about because it's on the list. Then, as they bring these things to you, you don't respond crazy parent mode, you don't overreact, you say, thank you so much for telling me. And then that over time builds this relationship, this safe place that we're trying to foster in our home with our kids. So I had created this reporting list. And some of those items on there are things like this. If you hear a new word or an idea and you're not sure what it means, a red flag alert should go off in your brain to come home and ask me. Please don't ask Google. Please don't ask AI. I'm your source. Just come home and ask me. Another one was anyone asking for personal information. So if my child was online or even at church and somebody came up to them and said, Where do you go to school? You know, what's your address? Something like that, that that a red flag alert would go off in their brain to come and tell me about that. So I can make sure they're safe. And one of the things that I want to say here, like, say if you have a small child and they are you're at a church function, and somebody comes up to your child, one of your friends at church, and they're just chit-chatting with your with your daughter. And maybe, you know, he or she says, Where do you go to school? That may be harmless. It may be nothing. But what we want to happen is a red flag alert to go off in your kid's brain. And she may say, right there, I go to so-and-so elementary school, right? But later when she gets in the car, she's filed that away as a red flag alert. Somebody asked personal information. So I'm just going to tell mom that that happened. Your daughter gets in the car, she tells you on the way home, hey, you know, your friend at church. He asked me where I went to school. I told him, is that okay? That is amazing. But you know what? So often our kids may do something like that that we say, report this stuff to us. They actually do it, just like this little girl just did in this story. And then we just are like, okay, thanks. No, we need to praise, praise, praise that. Thank you so much for telling me. It's fine that you told my friend from church where you go to school. That is fine. But I'm so glad you told me because sometimes it's not okay to give that information out. And I'm your safe place. Like I'm here to help you vet that. Another thing on here was anything kissing, dating, marriage. And what I want to say about this is the reporting list that I first created, which is the red flag alerts, the free guide of the red flag alerts. My youngest was six at the time. So I didn't want to use big language with him. And so one of the things is kissing, dating, marriage. Anytime you see that in a movie, on a YouTube, on an app, like I just want you to tell me. It may be nothing, but I want you to get into the habit of reporting that to me. So what I was trying to catch there was sex or sexuality stuff, right? But I wasn't ready to maybe have those bigger conversations with my six-year-old. I just wanted to get him into the habit of reporting this stuff to me and us having a conversation. I wanted to show him that I wasn't going to overreact, that I was going to praise him. And I knew that would help build a foundation for us. You know, what's so interesting about that is years ago I was teaching this and telling parents to do this. And I had a mom contact me after a church event, and she said, Oh my gosh, you're never going to believe this. I implemented this red flag reporting with my daughter, and uh she was playing a four-plus app where you could dress up teddy bears and teddy bears got married. And she had three girl teddy bears that got married. And so because they had this guideline in place, the little girl thought, uh-oh, it has something to do with marriage. I better tell mom. And she said, Mom, three of my girl teddy bears got married. Isn't that so cool? Well, then mom was able to have a conversation with her daughter, four years old, about marriage. And maybe God's design is not for three women, but this was just a fun app. And, you know, but but remember what God says is that it's a mom and a dad, and that's the best for every child. So if we have this reporting list for our kids, they become their own filter. They bring it to us, and in the meantime, we're establishing that relationship. Some of the things they bring to you, like the, you know, telling your friend at church where they go to school, they're going to be silly things that don't put them in danger, but don't dismiss them. Still, it's thank you so much for telling me. Um, you know, one of the one of the things, a big one was anyone in a swimsuit or less. And that was my way of trying to catch pornography without saying pornography with my six-year-old because I wasn't sure if he was ready yet or not. And you know, so many times he would be playing his Clash of Clans app or something like that. And there would be somebody that was kind of like in a baiting suit. It definitely was not porn, right? But it was a sexualized character or something. And he would bring it to me. And never did I laugh it off or be like, okay, whatever. It was always thank you so much for telling me. I'm so proud of you. And then that was kind of it. If I needed to have a follow-up conversation about protecting your heart and mind or modesty or something like that, then I would. But a lot of times it was just thank you so much for telling me. The key thing here is just don't laugh at them or don't dismiss them because then it gets them out of the habit of reporting things to you. And, you know, we're talking about these red flag alerts, and I'm using this kid language and this free guide that we have, you can go to our website at free guides and click it and get the red flag alert for free. You know, we have donors who support the free guides that we're providing for you guys. But the language we use on this is for three plus because I want your kid to start practicing with you what it's like to confide in you and you be a safe place and not overreact. And the more we can do that, it creates almost like a healthy habit in your home. It's standard operating procedure. This is just what I do when something pops up. And do you see if you're doing that at three, four, and five with these things, and it becomes standard operating procedure, then when they finally earn a phone at 14 or whenever, then it's it's gonna be a normal thing when something pops up on that screen to tell you because you've practiced for all these years. That's why I always say you're you're parenting a phone years before they actually get that phone. I kind of want to circle back to, you know, how I started this podcast in saying that the red flag reporting really sets us apart from a lot of other digital safety organizations. And I want to speak to that. A lot of the mass messaging out there now about phones is wait until a certain age to get a phone. Like wait until 14, wait until 16. This research says that research says that. Delaying is good, yes. But I think what's happening with that messaging from the parents I'm working with and what I'm seeing is that we think, okay, well, wait until 14 and then they get a phone. I don't really believe in that. I believe earning a phone should be based more on their behavior than a birthday. Now, if you want to say my child has to be 14 and do this and this before they can earn a phone, then I like that because the this and this is the behavior part. If you ask me, well, Mandy, what are the behaviors are you looking at there? What I'm looking at is the reporting guidelines. What are they confiding in you? Are they telling you who's vaping in the school bathroom? Are they telling you which of their friends are looking at pornography? If they're not telling you that stuff, they're not ready for a phone. I don't care how old they are. So that's why this portion of the next top 10 is so unique and different from a lot of the other messaging that's out there is because we're giving you language on behaviors to teach your kids on how they can earn a phone. I get frustrated with some of this mass messaging because it's just hold out, hold out, hold out, and then they get a phone, and we're not doing anything to prepare them for that phone. And the teach red flag reporting prepares them for the phone. So many times I get asked, when are they ready for a phone? When they're confiding in you, when they're reporting these things to you. Now, the red flag alerts, that is gonna be language for three years old and up. So it's gonna be basic language. We're not using words like pornography. We also have what's called family packs. So when your kids are little, you're gonna do the red flag alerts. When they're older and you're actually using words like sex and pornography, then you're gonna go into the family packs. We have two versions with two different kinds of wording there. And those then become your reporting guidelines. The family packs, the kid and the parent are both gonna sign those. The kid is gonna say, I'm gonna report these things to you. The parent is gonna say, I'm not gonna go crazy parent mode, I'm not gonna overreact. And they're gonna work together to make sure the kid is safe. Now, on the family packs, we've added some other things. So, for example, we will say one of the things that we've added on there is if there's something that you can't stop thinking about or you're scared about or you're overwhelmed about, that is the thing I need you to report to me. So there's some more detail as they get older. Uh, that was one of the big things in my home. You know, when they were little, I would start out saying, if you hear a new word or an idea and you don't know what it means, a red flag alert should go off in your brain to come home and ask me. That's how I caught new words, things that they were being exposed to. And then as they got older, of course, they kind of aged out of that, right? They would hear a word, they would maybe think about it. As they get older, they will Google it. They will age out of this where they can kind of research it on their own. But then they may come talk to you once they've done their research. So, this is what this means. What do you think about this? But also you can start using more detailed language about, you know, one of the things that when my kids were older, I would say is anytime you lay your head on the pillow at night and you can't stop thinking about something, like something is bugging you, that's the thing I need you to tell me. It's just that constant creating a list of these are the things that I want a red flag alert to go off in your brain to come home and tell me. Continually talking about that. And then that will create an environment where they are familiar to reporting to you, and that is what's going to keep them safe online. You know, no filter is gonna catch a conversation on the bus or the school lunch table, but the reporting list will. The red flag reporting will catch this. So implement it when they're little. Continually evolve your language. And if you don't like our family packs, you create your own list. And what I love about the family packs too, there's like blank lines where you can add extra stuff too. But you need to work on this together and make sure that your kids know what they need to report to you and that you're gonna promise to respond in a calm manner. I do want to say this. This is a big disclaimer. There is a time when your kid will start discerning and not reporting as much to you. And you need to evolve and change with your kid. One of the things that I did when they were little was I would say, um, if you hear a cuss word, I want you to report that to me. So that's when they were little, right? Well, by middle school, they were hearing lots of cuss words. And what I had to do is evolve that because if I didn't evolve my reporting list, it almost became like, oh, I don't need to tell mom anything anymore. Like if they're hearing, you know, 20 cuss words a day, they're not going to tell me all of that. And then there becomes a blurry line on what do I need to report? When you find yourself in that situation, that is a conversation. Okay, we had the red flag alerts. Now you're getting older. We need to establish some new guidelines. Maybe you don't have to tell me every cuss word you hear anymore because I know you're hearing them all the time. But maybe now you will tell me if you are tempted to cuss or you are tempted to do that. That's what I want you to tell me. So you have to shift and evolve with your kid on where they are and what they're reporting to you. Also, I want you to think of it like this. You know, we say, have your kid bring these reporting things to you. So what if your kid hears a new word, maybe a highly sexualized word, and they bring it to you? I know sometimes that is really shocking to us. Well, one, you got to avoid crazy parent mode, which we've already covered, right? But also, I want you to shift your thinking. What if your kid had Googled that or asked AI? I think about that for a minute. Because then they're gonna get either pornography or a very graphic description. And that's not what we want. We want age-appropriate what we know our kid needs in that moment for that information. So if you're shocked, I want you to just shift your thinking in your mind. I'm so glad my son asked me that because I actually saved him from pornography. The red flag reporting can save our kids from more exposure because they're coming to us and not Googling it. The key to keeping our kids safe online and off is open communication. Restrictions are good, but it's really about the relationship. And our next talk 10 creates a formula where we are building that healthy dialogue in our home. This intentional practice of teaching red flag reporting, it is key. And it is what is so unique to Next Talk to make sure we build the safe place. Teach your kids to be their filter. Teach your kids to report to you. Teach your kids when they're exposed that a red flag alert goes off in their brain and they come home and ask mom or dad. That is key to building open communication and also creating a path to where they earn a phone based on that behavior of reporting and not just a birthday. The red flag reporting, along with the other Next Talk 10, will foster a healthy dialogue between you and your child. I watched it in my own home happen. It was a decade-long experiment, but this was one of the key things we must initiate and do.

SPEAKER_00: 20:35

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