Viral Affair: 3 convos to have with our kids

If your kids are on social media or have heard about the viral affair at the Coldplay concert, now is the time to engage in these three important discussions about the sexual culture they’re growing up in.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Viral Coldplay Affair Incident
• 3:01 Social Media as Public Stoning
• 9:34 Sex Should Be Sacred
• 17:26 Setting Moral Boundaries for Kids
• 23:28 Feelings vs. Self-Control
• 24:58 No One Is Too Far Gone

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Many of you have watched the clip from the Coldplay concert. I know it has created some discussion in my own home. Two corporate executives the CEO and head of HR got caught on a kiss cam at a Coldplay concert. When they realized it, they immediately ducked, and the singer even joked on stage they're either shy or they're having an affair on stage. They're either shy or they're having an affair. And then the internet posted the video and hunted them down. Before long we knew the company name, the family's name. It was even reported that the wife of the CEO had to delete her Facebook because so many were storming her account.

Speaker 1: 0:43

Misinformation traveled fast. There was a false statement that was circulating and it spread like wildfire. The memes and the jokes have been constant. I think we've all been guilty of laughing or making a joke about this, but these are real families and I'm sure their lives are shattered. I'm not condoning what they did, but, man, I can't imagine this happening to a family that I know in real life. So I've been praying for the spouses and the kids. All of this has made me realize social media has become the new public stoning.

Speaker 1: 1:33

And you guys, it's not biblical, you know. In Matthew 18, believers are being told how to have conflict with other believers. And this passage is really talking about when another believer is sinning or falling short. And it says if another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go dot, dot, dot. And it continues along these other steps. There are several of them here, but my point is cancel. Culture is not biblical, this relentless bullying. I want to ruin this person's life. You know, often when we're commenting or responding with something on social media, it is a lack of self-control, it is just a jump in to the mob mentality and we often haven't thought that there's a person, there's a soul on the other side of that screen. Listen, I don't know the faith background of the parties involved, but I know this scripture that when Christians need to point out other things to Christians, we are supposed to go and point them out privately Before we move on.

Speaker 1: 3:00

I want to say this the purpose of this podcast is not to join in on the public stoning Absolutely not. This story doesn't make me hate these people. It makes me sad for these people. I think this story happening in our culture right now is a perfect opportunity to talk to our kids about sex, and the first talking point is this Sex should be sacred. We live in a world that has taken something so beautiful that should be enjoyed between a man and a woman in a committed marriage, and we've altered it. We've decided we know best. And before I go on on this talking point, I do want to point out a disclaimer here. If you are listening and you think I don't define marriage or sex the way she does, I'm out. I ask you to keep tuning in because there's talking points here for everyone.

Speaker 1: 4:07

But let's talk about how our culture has cheapened sex. Onlyfans has over 210 million users. We see headline after headline about breaking the world record of having sex with so many men in so many hours. I think the record stands at 1,000 men in 12 hours. Porn is readily available to kids and has become the new sex education. Back in 2017, I mean a long time ago I covered the 17 Magazine article, the Guide to Anal Sex that was aimed at kids ages 13 and up.

Speaker 1: 4:50

We've continued to see the slippery slope in our world about how we're perceiving sex. Kids see these things, they hear these things. They hear these things. And when you become desensitized and almost indoctrinated to believe that sex is no big deal, of course affairs will be more likely to happen too. Parents, please don't put your heads in the sand. You must speak to your kids about sex and the culture, and this viral affair is an opportunity to bring it up.

Speaker 1: 5:30

Before we bring it up, I would challenge you as the parent what is the moral compass you're teaching your child about sex? And I think for non-Christians, who may define sex and marriage differently than I do, my question to you is what's the line for sex for your kids? Like when they are in a committed relationship, it's okay. And how do you define what a committed relationship is? Is it one week? Is it one year, like? Are you specifying these things to your kids? I mean, I can tell you from serving a diverse group of parents over the years, including non-Christians that are non-profit.

Speaker 1: 6:14

I find that this moral compass is not often defined clearly for kids. It's very blurred what's okay or what's not okay. And I do want to point out, no matter if you are a Christian or not, I believe in parents' choice, your family, your choice on how you want to handle these topics with your kids. But I do think it's important we all develop a moral compass for our kids and explain what is acceptable and not acceptable, especially on this issue of sex. As a Christian parent, I'm going to be honest. This is kind of easy for me.

Speaker 1: 6:53

God defines it in his word, because he addresses this very clearly. First, corinthians 7, 2, and 3 says because there is so much sexual immorality, one man should have one wife and one wife should have one husband to fulfill their sexual needs. And I don't know about you, but like I feel like this is bigger than my mind, you know these moral issues are bigger than me. I have to trust a greater power who knows better than my mind. You know these moral issues are bigger than me. I have to trust a greater power who knows better than I do. He sees the whole picture. The Bible even says God's ways are greater than our ways. His thoughts are bigger than our thoughts. And honestly, I don't want to put all my faith in a God who thinks like me, who thinks like a human, a little-minded human. So I've made the decision in my home to teach my kids that the very best for them is to wait and have one partner for life in marriage, because God knows best. You know, over the years, my kids and for those of you who may be new to Next Talk, my kids are now 17 and 21.

Speaker 1: 8:12

And over the years we've had so many conversations about sex and sexuality and this is how I've learned to respond to some of those, you know, when they ask me a question, I will say listen, I don't get to tell anyone how to live their lives. I'm a person. I get stuff wrong all day long. I know I'm supposed to show kindness and love to everyone, but there is one who created us, who knows more than we do, and he gives us guidance on this issue. And honestly, instead of like spoon feeding my kids scripture, one of the switches that I made along this journey was I would send them to scripture and I would say what do you think God says about this? So I would send them and say go, look up 1 Corinthians, 7, 2 and 3. And you tell me what God says about sex.

Speaker 1: 9:07

Listen, point your kids to scripture for truth. Don't lecture your kids about how awful sex is or horrible it is, but we need to shift the conversation to how beautiful God created it and why it's worth the wait. You know, I will tell my kids you will have less consequences and more peace if you do things God's way. You know what a cool thought to have one person to share in sexual intimacy, where you learn, are completely vulnerable and you grow together. That is the foundation of sex that God wants for each of us. It's a picture that God wants us to see that sex is sacred. It's not just anything that we do at any time.

Speaker 1: 10:00

Now I do want to say this for those of you with older kids if your kids have chosen not to wait until they get married and you've tried to instill that in them, I want to give you a word Do not hate your kids. Do not disown your kids right, of course, love your kids unconditionally. Our kids reach an age where they get to decide what they're going to do in this area and with all other issues as well, and our job is to create a foundation through the years that makes a case for God's way. More than the things they're seeing in the world, more than the porn they're hearing about, more than the OnlyFans headlines that they're worrying about, more than the things they're seeing in the world, more than the porn they're hearing about, more than the OnlyFans headlines that they're worrying about, more than the world records that they're hearing about with men. We need to do that and I would challenge you today.

Speaker 1: 10:58

Are you making a case for why sex is sacred and why it should be protected sacred and why it should be protected? This is one of those cultural moments where this affair story, where you could actually come in and plant some foundational seeds in your child's heart and mind around sex. As you're talking about sex with your kids, another very important point is this they may say to you why does God say we can only do it within marriage, or why does that boundary exist? Here's a great way to answer that. God doesn't give us boundaries around sex and marriage because he hates us. Listen, he knows best. He's actually trying to protect us. Think about it like this when your second grader asks for Snapchat, you say no. You don't say no because you hate your child and want to make their life miserable Of course not. You say no because you know the dangers on Snapchat and you want to make sure they're safe. You need to protect them from that until their mind can process what's happening and respond in a safe manner. You know, I think one of the glimmering levels of hope in this story is this Generally, people thought this couple was wrong for having an affair and that tells me the sexual ethics in our culture aren't too far gone.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Like, like we everybody came together and kind of bashed too much, we swung the pendulum too far to where we were going to the public stoning route, right. But there was, I believe, a consensus that this is wrong. Affairs are wrong. Back in 2016, I wrote my first book about creating open communication with our kids and I included topics in that about sexuality, gender dating, because I saw how important the conversation around sexual ethics was going to be. You know how I saw it. I saw it in my kids' questions. I had revelations around our midnight talks. I had revelations around our midnight talks and, honestly, there were a lot of people not talking about it, especially in the church. But I realized as a parent in that moment I had to figure out what I believe about sex and why I believe it, because that was going to either point my kids closer to God or farther away. My beliefs around this topic was going to shape my kids' faith journey.

Speaker 1: 13:59

It's easy to take a stand now and say you believe sex is sacred and hold a traditional view of marriage. A lot more people are coming out and say it. But I do want us to continue to be cautioned and careful with this is sacred and hold a traditional view of marriage. A lot more people are coming out and say it. But I do want us to continue to be cautioned and careful with this. Even though we feel okay to come out and say affairs are wrong or sex is between a man and a woman within a marriage, don't swing the pendulum so far that it becomes a public stoning. I just want to say that again. Don't become a bully.

Speaker 1: 14:30

There is a big difference between pointing out someone's sin because you care about them versus publicly humiliating and stoning them. You know, john 8 is a story of a woman who was caught in adultery. The law said to stone her. The religious people actually drug her in front of Jesus. They're dragging her out there. They assumed Jesus would participate in the stoning because she had broken the law and he needed to uphold the law. But Jesus paused and really surprised everybody. He bent down and wrote something in the sand and we don't know what that was. But then he looked up and he said this to all the religious leaders and all the people there you, without sin, cast the first stone. What is he saying there? We are all guilty. You know, as I was scrolling X the other day and seeing all the memes and people making fun of this viral affair, I thought to myself how many of these same people are watching porn behind their spouse's back? How many of these same people are one of those 210 million users on OnlyFans.

Speaker 1: 15:59

I'm not condoning this sin of adultery, but before we get too high on our moral code, we need to look in the mirror. Before we get too high on our moral code, we need to look in the mirror One by one, as Jesus stood there and he said you, without sin, cast the first stone. One by one. All of them walked away because they knew they had their own stuff to deal with, their own sin to face. It was just Jesus and the adulterous woman, and of course, he could have stoned her because he really was perfect. He didn't have sin in his life. This is what he says to the woman I don't condemn you either. Go now and leave your life of sin. And leave your life of sin. He doesn't condone her sin, he sets her free from it. And I think there is so much hope for all of us in this story in John 8, because we're all guilty of something.

Speaker 1: 17:03

As we look at the woman who was caught in adultery and we look at our culture of what it says about sex, do you see how important it is that we frame a narrative for our kids that sex is sacred? Talking point number two Feelings are real, but shouldn't be the boss. Feelings are real, but shouldn't be the boss. You know, we often excuse sexual immorality and affairs because we quote feel this way. We tell ourselves this person is satisfying a need, this person quotes gets me and so, no matter what, I'm going to chase after those magical feelings. You know we hear phrases like follow your heart and love is love. Hashtags and catchphrases have become our theology.

Speaker 1: 18:01

When people started using love is love years ago, I remember seeing it, you know, online. I thought it was the cutest little saying. And then, years later, I helped a family where a 12 year old girl had been groomed online by a 72 year old man and she wanted to leave, run away, marry him when the relationship was exposed and you know what she kept saying over and over to her panicked mom. But, mom, love is love. Ephesians 4.14 says don't be tricked by lies, so clever they sound like the truth. Love is love, sounds sweet, but it's dangerous. How could it apply in this situation? Well, love is love. So who cares about the marriage covenant? Who cares about the promise I made to my family? Right, love is love.

Speaker 1: 19:01

And also this saying of follow your heart. Did you know that God says don't trust your heart because the heart is deceitful. Jeremiah 17, 9 says the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Proverbs 3, 5 doesn't tell us to follow our heart. But this is what it says. It says trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. We're not to follow our heart because our heart could lead us astray. We're to trust in the Lord instead. He knows what's best for us.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Listen, I'm not saying feelings aren't real. Of course they are. They need to be acknowledged, they need to be dealt with. But if we always let feelings control us, we're going to find ourselves in big trouble. We'll break promises, we won't keep our word, we'll react out of emotion and we'll have a lot of regret in our life, from anger to jealousy, to sexual feelings. We must rein that in. Acknowledge the feelings and the Bible even says take those thoughts captive.

Speaker 1: 20:17

Listen. We've got to rise up and talk to our kids about feelings, how to deal with them and this concept of self-control. These are some of the most important discussions you will ever have with your kids. You will ever have with your kids. These ideas of feelings leading you everywhere and this thought of no, I need to have self-control. They relate to so much more than just sexuality. Proverbs 25, 28 says a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls, no boundaries, if we cannot control our feelings. So to wrap this up, it is so important that we talk to our kids and we say to them listen, feelings are real, but they shouldn't be the boss of us. And this is why feelings are real, but they shouldn't be the boss of us. And this is why Point them to scripture and let them understand how this could have played into a bad decision. Feelings can lead to bad decisions. Number one sex should be sacred. Number two feelings are real but should not be the boss. And number three no one is ever too far gone. I really want to address this here and I think this is a really important talking point.

Speaker 1: 21:44

One of the most interesting things to me is when they got caught, their reaction was to hide and it reminded me so much of the Garden of Eden. After they had sinned, they knew it was wrong. You know, as we've witnessed this, we've seen the mistakes and very public. We've seen the public stoning. We've seen the cancel culture that we live in just relentless mob mentality.

Speaker 1: 22:18

As you start to engage and talk to your kids about sex and feelings and self-control and this viral affair, I want to caution you about something you can never think that your kid has not made a mistake. Your kid could be watching porn. Your kid has not made a mistake. Your kid could be watching porn. Your kid could have sent a nude. Your kid could have had sex.

Speaker 1: 22:43

And when we engage in big conversations like this, what we don't want to do is we don't want our kids hiding in shame or being so embarrassed about a secret sin that it would cause them to hurt themselves or others, or that they just lose hope because they feel like they're not good enough and they're never going to be able to undo what they did. So when you talk about big issues like this in your home, I need you to end on a positive note and follow up with hey, no matter what mistakes this couple made, or mistakes I've made and I've made a ton or mistakes you may have made, sweetie do you know that Jesus says we can all be forgiven? Like that's the hope of Christianity, right? Like no one is perfect, we all need a savior to give us a new life? That's what it means when we say we want Jesus to be Lord of our life, we can ask for forgiveness, we can turn away from our sins and we can seek Jesus for the rest of our days with our whole heart. Doesn't mean we're going to be perfect still, but we're going to be chasing and we're going to have the guidance of the Holy Spirit when we do mess up, to convict us in a healthy way. Not shame us, but convict us to be like, just like that biblical conflict resolution in Matthew 18, that private accountability.

Speaker 1: 24:11

Hey, this isn't good for you, this isn't good for you. And so, as we wrap this up, I just want to say this is such a sad story that everyone knows about. I would encourage you to talk to your kids about this and I think you know some of the most important conversations you can have are these three talking points One sex should be sacred. Two feelings are real, but they shouldn't be the boss. And talking point number three no one is ever too far gone. Jesus loves us. All is ever too far gone. Jesus loves us all and he died for us, for all of our mistakes. I'm praying so much that you can have some good conversations in your home. No-transcript.