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How do we keep our kids safe online? How do we protect our children in an overexposed, sexualized culture?
Join Mandy Majors (award-winning author of "TALK" and "Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World") for real conversations about the intersection of tech, culture and faith.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization keeping kids safe by creating a culture of open communication in families, churches and schools.
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Your family is the most important team you will ever lead.
Pastor Robert Emmitt is back. He grew a church from 0 to tens of thousands and raised three successful kids while doing it. We sat down with him because we wanted to know – what leadership qualities make successful parents? You do not want to miss the wisdom and practical advice dropped in this podcast!
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture and faith with our kids. We have Pastor Robert Emmett back on the show today. Robert and Julie were the founding family behind Community Bible Church in San Antonio, texas. Robert, we're so glad to have you back.
Speaker 2:It's a pleasure to be back.
Speaker 1:Mandy, Thanks for having me Today we are talking about leadership, leadership qualities. You know, whenever I present to parents, I always say to them you are the leaders in your home and the culture in your home will not change unless you change it. Right, that's a good word. I want you to tell us what do you look for in a leader? Because and this could be applied to your career, business, whatever but we also have to be thinking about these qualities in a good leader in the home.
Speaker 2:First one that comes to my mind is humility. The Bible says whoever exalts himself will be humbled, but whoever humbles himself will be exalted. So you know that leadership of saying, you know the sermon I've used to preach and everybody's joy, j-o-y, think about Jesus, others and then yourself and most of us, it's Y and J and O or something. But humility to realize you're not an expert, you're not the pro, and you make mistakes. And humility says when I mess up, I apologize to my wife or my children. You know when I do something wrong.
Speaker 2:We never had a double standard If I told my kids I don't know if this is legal or not, but we used to spank them on the rear end, you know, for not good deeds, not nothing bad. But one time I was. I told them I got tired of leaving their clothes on the landing on the stairs. I said the next person that leaves their clothes when they go upstairs you're going to get a swat on the rear end and okay, it's fair enough. And a little bit later I ran up the stairs and I did my, whatever I was doing, then came back down and Heather said dad. I said yeah. She said do you know what you just did. I said yeah, I went upstairs for something.
Speaker 2:She says no, you left your clothes on the stairs. And I said ah. She says, and you said whoever does gets a squat. I said you're right. So I gave her the paddle and she walked me through the old routine. You know put your hands on the on the couch. You know now why am I going to spank you? And I said because I didn't take my clothes up and I knew the rules. So she said okay. She said I love you. I said I love you too, heather. She laid into me and I never forgot my clothes on the stairs, ever again.
Speaker 1:Don't you love when kids humble you like that you think you're creating rules for them and they're calling you out on your stuff?
Speaker 2:And they'll do it. And that's one of those. You got that split second to say, well, I'm a grown up or I'm, you know, it's my car, I'll do the way I want. You know, when you tell your kids don't text and drive, and then you catch yourself, you know, doing that little meh. And then when they call you, just hands up, hey, guilty as charged, I'm sorry. Ice cream for everybody or something like that.
Speaker 2:So, parenting, if you'll be humble and, you know, admit your mistakes mistakes because everybody knows you make them You're the only one that won't admit it. Mom knows it, or dad knows it, Kids know it, Neighbors know it. So you guys will just say, look, I messed up, I overreacted, I'm sorry, Please forgive me. And I found children are very forgiving. So that would be the first thing. Second thing is you can say do as I say, it not as I do, but they're going to do as you do. That's just a rule of life. So whatever you don't want them to do, then you don't do it. You know, if you don't want them to cuss, you don't cuss. They still might cuss, but you know at least they're not cussing because you were their example.
Speaker 2:Proverbs was it 22,? Six, train up a child in the way they should go when he's older. They will not part from it. And that's that guiding thing. You know, as I've told you last time, you know you're zero to 12, you're their authority, 12 to 18, you're their advisor. 18 and beyond, you're their friend. And those crucial years of advising it's saying look, you know, you got a decision to make. Here's option A, here's option B, here's where this one's going to take you and that one's going to take you, but your choice and I support whatever you do and you give them that freedom to grow up and take responsibility for it.
Speaker 1:Make mistakes, feel their mistakes. I think it's important.
Speaker 2:Some people are just so quick to solve their kids' mistakes. You missed the point. If they messed up, they forgot the homework or didn't study for the test or whatever, then they go, apologize or do whatever the teacher makes them do.
Speaker 1:Well and I think an apology just goes so far to build a relationship, to build the culture at work that you're wanting to create, whatever it is, whatever kind of leader you are, it just breaks down barriers for people.
Speaker 2:A few weeks ago I preached at Christmas Church and they were finishing up the book of Ephesians and he said we'll give you Ephesians 5, 19 through 610 or something like that. And I read it. I said oh. I called him up and said man, you're giving me the easy stuff marriage, family and work. What do you want me to focus on? He said all three. I said you know all three. One is a six-week series, he said I know. But he said you know, if God can say it in 22 words, maybe you can say it in 30 minutes. So I gave it my shot.
Speaker 2:I didn't quite hit the 30-minute mark, but on the parenting piece it was funny because Ephesians, it says children, obey your parents. For this is pleasing to the Lord. It's the first command with a promise you live a long, happy life if you respect and obey your parents. And I said and then the second part is fathers, don't aggravate your children, don't provoke them to anger, rather nurture them, mentor them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. And then I joked, I says, if you'll notice, there's no command here for the mothers. And everybody started laughing. I'd already talked about the mothers. Wives are submissively superior to their husbands and we all know it. But I said mothers, you know, god wired you to nurture. You know what to do. I said but the fathers we tend to irritate and poke and prod until we drive them crazy. So I had a good time on that.
Speaker 2:But I told the kids. I said how simple is your instruction Do what your parents say. I said try something this week. I said do it. The first time they tell you to do it, I said watch the look on their face. Maybe they pass out. Who knows what happens.
Speaker 2:But when they say do this and you just get up and do it, Say yes, ma'am, or yes, sir, or you just do it, I said you'll be shocked at how your parents' attitude change and you'll also be shocked at how much more freedom you get by doing what your parents say the first time you say to do it. So I haven't gotten any results back from parents saying oh, thank you for that message. My child has obeyed us, and flawlessly since. But I mean, that's the rules. And then for dads I always use that thing. You know, don't be the dad that says you know, it's a nice single, but if you'd have run a little harder you could have gotten a double. You know, hey look, dad, I got five A's and one B. Well, if you'd have worked a little harder, you could have had six A's.
Speaker 2:You know just in those dads that always raise the bar and then the child's about to hit it. All right, terry. Well, do this always. So learn to say well done my child, proud of you, happy for you, great job.
Speaker 1:I think that's a really important word there for, as a leader, to recognize the work and not always you could do better, you could do better. I think that that's a real good word for us as parents, cause I think it also in this, in this culture we're we're taught that just improve, improve, continuous improvement all the time.
Speaker 2:I acknowledge it. You just hit me with something that I was thinking. Number one rule for dads is and it's for leaders too, everybody. But it's praise publicly, correct privately. And you know, even watching dads it feels like you know Lisa's playing soccer and you see dads out there trying to tell their son or daughter you know what to do and do this and kick it all of it. Just let them play and have fun. It's a game. You know, when your children mess up, you just quietly, you know, smile and then when you're alone with them, say, hey, you know you kind of messed up back there. You know, correct them privately and praise them publicly. Don't correct them in front of everybody else and embarrass them in front of their friends, or you'll discover your kids never want to bring their friends over to the house.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I think that's a really good word, because we would not want to be embarrassed in front of people either. You know, like if our, if our kids have friends over at the house and our kid says to like, say, my son says to me mom, please stop doing that, and that is so embarrassing in front of everybody, that would, that would humiliate me. But but but, son, you have freedom to pull me aside and be like mom. I need you to stop doing this in private.
Speaker 1:It's that respect thing. You're showing respect Like I need to be honest here. This is not okay. Please don't do that. But it's a respectful kind of on the side thing instead of calling each other out in front of everyone thing.
Speaker 2:Instead of calling each other out in front of everyone. It's a lot easier to say you got a minute, yeah, let's take the trash out together.
Speaker 1:I love that point. That's a good leadership quality. That is a good leadership quality.
Speaker 2:What else for leadership qualities? Let them exceed your abilities. Be happy, and Jesus said it. He said the things that I do, you'll also do, and greater things will you do, because I'm going to the Father. Let your leaders let your people under you beat you. Let them surpass you.
Speaker 2:If you're a parent playing games, let your children win. If you're racing them, let them win the race. If you're shooting baskets, you know, let them win the horse game. Whatever. Let them win. And you know you're a 180-pound man and you just beat your eight-year-old in a game. What honor is that? What good is that? Good for you? Way to go, old man. You've still got it with the eight-year-old. I mean, let them win. And then when they say, were you playing your hardest? And you know, yeah, I was pretty close to it you just kind of go easy. But you know, when you let them win, it's amazing.
Speaker 2:I got this is a fresh story Micah. He's the nine-year-old second to the youngest grand, but he's super smart, gifted and talented, just one of those kids, that's just. You know, when you got it, you got it. But he's really nice and humble about it. But he started playing chess and he called me up and said I want you to download chesscom. I'm on the chess team, he's in third grade. And I said, yeah, I'll play, that's how we play. And you know we're playing and I'm making my moves and I hear this ooh, pops, that wasn't a good move. And you know okay. And I moved to another one. Well, pops, did you know I was going to take your queen? Well, no, I didn't. He said are you doing this on purpose? I said no, I was just playing you at my grandfather level. I didn't know you were this good. So I started playing him a little harder, a little harder. I made the little stinker. I mean he beat me. And he said I really beat you. I said yes, you really beat me.
Speaker 2:And then the second time and I called Brianna, I said how long has he been playing chess? And she said exactly one week tonight. I said you're kidding. I said he's got moves and strategies and I asked him. I said how do you? He said just when they explain how the pieces move and what they do, I just I understood it. You know he looks at the board and sees all the pieces. And we were there and I played him. We just almost nonstop every evening, you know, just playing chess and oh, it was fun. But you know, he said are you really letting me win? I said yep, I'm really letting you win.
Speaker 2:Then, when he got me into stalemate, I said do you know what a stalemate? I said do you know what a stalemate is? He said yes, sir, it means you didn't win and I didn't lose. But let your kids win in your business place. You know, when somebody exceeds you, don't tell them how you could have done it that way, you know, 20 years ago. Just say, man, you know, I'm so proud of you. Yeah, just like the old saying, if you're the best person at the table, then you've made a mistake. If you're the smartest person at the table and you're in charge of it, you made a mistake. So you hire people, you train them, you empower them and then, when they succeed, you just celebrate with them.
Speaker 1:That's a word, that's a word, right there, for sure. What else?
Speaker 2:Celebrate the wins. Whenever you hit the goal or the mark, you just celebrate. And if you come pretty close to it, celebrate anyway. I mean, people love a party better than a. You know, powwow just a sorrowful thing. So celebrate the wins, do what's best for the organization. And if you're in the family, your family's the organization, so do what's best for your organization. You know, if you're up for a transfer and your kids are juniors or seniors in high school, you know you tell the boss, you know we can do it in a year or two, or you let your children stay with a cousin or a friend and finish their school. I mean, you think what's not what's best for me, but it's what's best for the family. It's not what's best for me, it's what's best for the company. And if you keep that attitude, you'll always keep in balance. When you start thinking it's all about you and you've been here for six months, you ought to have a place at the board table by now. It doesn't work that way. Just think and do what's best for the organization.
Speaker 1:Well, those last couple that you mentioned, they all tie back into humility. They all tie back because it's not about you, it's in surround yourself with smarter people and, you know, let let more people to surpass you. All of those are humility things, and it was the first thing that you mentioned when we started talking about leadership.
Speaker 2:I mean when you think about it and you really let it sink in, jesus said the things that I do, you also shall do, and greater things shall I do because I go to the Father and for three years they've been hanging out with Jesus. He's been doing all the work. They're just kind of, you know, assistants, and then when the Holy Spirit comes and the next thing, you know they're, you know healing, raising lame people and incredible things. But he's right. I mean the goal isn't for you to be the leader all the time. The goal is for you to be the leader. Go down and pick up, you know, your son or daughter or your employees, take them back with you up and get them there and then, when it exceeds you, let them go.
Speaker 1:And cheer them on. That's great. That's great. Anything else for leadership?
Speaker 2:I would say this is a hard one, but don't take everything personally. You know, if somebody quits your company and goes somewhere else, it stings and you'll always be the reason, just like a pastor. Whenever somebody leaves the church, it's always my fault, you know. It's never them or anything else, it's always. You know Robert did this or that, and in business it's the same thing. But try not to take it personal. It's almost impossible not to do thing, but try not to take it personal. It's almost impossible not to do. But if you do, if you take it personal, then you're going to get bitter about it and think man, I did this and this and this for them, and then this is the way they show their thanks. It's easy to get cynical really quick and when that happens you only ruin your life and nobody else's.
Speaker 1:Can we talk about that in a perspective of a parent with a prodigal, Because I think that happens a lot too. You have a prodigal or a kid really struggling and it becomes all about you and not praying for the child, Can we?
Speaker 2:Yeah, there comes a point where you train your kids, you teach them, you model it, you get them around churches and friends and coaches. You do everything you can to raise them, but they're still a human being with all the rights and privileges thereof, make their own decisions. And when they make the wrong ones, as a parent, you know, you're hurt, you ache, you cry, you pray, you suggest, you suggest, you suggest, you try everything you can. You know, and sometimes they just flat out don't do what you know was the right thing to do. And when they don't, you know, like the prodigal son's dad, he didn't go chasing after him and you know whether probably just I mean, like I always tell people I said, any father that gives the troublemaker child his inheritance, making a big mistake right there.
Speaker 2:But I think Jesus was trying to get a point across. You know there's some people. They don't care what you do, give me what's mine, I'm out of here and they blow it on a world of whatever they think is going to satisfy them and it's empty. They come back broken and humbled and I like the father because he did run after him when he saw him coming back. He did not run after him when he walked away. Man, that's another. I've never said that before. Mandy the prodigal son's dad did not run after his son when he left, but he did run after his son when he came back. Man, I need to write that down. That's a sermon, right there.
Speaker 1:That is because you got to let him go and you got to let him fail and welcome him with open arms when they see the light. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you know, and sometimes that's a generation, sometimes they don't ever come back and those are heartbreakers too. But a lot of times they do come back and those are the ones you just say you know, no, remembering the past. Go back to your love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. Love doesn't remember a wrong suffered. Welcome them back with open arms. And you know your children and they're getting all kind of stuff pumped into them through music and media and social media and schools and stuff like that, and a lot of times they make bad decisions and you try to steer them out of it. And when they don't steer, you know they get hurt and burned and something happens and you're there for them. You don't fix their problem. You don't say, come on back, I'll pay for all your mistakes. You say, come on back, I'll pay for all your mistakes. You say, come on back, I love you just as much now as I ever did. And let's go forward.
Speaker 1:That's the way you fix it.
Speaker 1:I think you know the letting go is hard and I know when I first started Next Talk and you know was realizing everything our kids were up against online and all the dangers that that the technology presented and how I was going to parent it and how Matt and I were going to figure all this out together.
Speaker 1:One of the things that kept going off in my mind over and over was when my kids leave here at 18 and I'm no longer the you know, the parent, I move into friend, friend, where I'm just the advisor and they can go do whatever decisions they want. I want at that 18th move out to feel like I've done everything in my power to disciple and push this kid to Jesus, like point them to Jesus and model that for them in their life, and I want to be exhausted from it. I want to be totally exhausted and I think you know talking about the prodigal and then looking back. Like you said, if you've done everything you can, you got to let them go and there is still a human being and they still may choose the wrong thing, even if you do everything right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Everything right, and I think that's such a word. But it is also a reminder that we are given 18 years with our kids and these leadership qualities matter in those 18 years because they will shape that kid.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was preaching on the marriage, work and family, on the fathers that said mentor your children and I told them pretty much what I do to everybody. I said the number one selling devotional book in the world it's sold billions of copies is called the Book of Proverbs. And I said, yeah, I know it's sold billions because it's part of the Bible, but it's still the devotion 31 chapters, 31 days. And when you're reading through that chapter you know chapter a day. You know for 18 years. Your kids are going to pick it up.
Speaker 2:You know it's not just a one and done, it's just what you get out of Proverbs today. What'd you get out of it? You know yesterday and that sort of thing. It's just that constant as you go and it's not a full blown lecture. Take out your pen and paper and write down what I say. It's just kind of that. You know, like Jesus said, as you go make disciples, you know as you live your life. So you know in Proverbs I've told people man, there's some great verses in there, there's some also some scary ones. But you know, when your kids filter through it every month it'll sink in. But you got to filter through it. I mean can't be a one month deal and then be done with it. It's got to be a regular.
Speaker 2:This is what we're going to talk about driving to school today. What did you get out of Proverbs? And let them talk.
Speaker 1:Well, what I like about you've always instilled that with us and we've done that too, or read a Proverbs a day and as Like, that's kind of what we would do. And what was cool about that is, if we missed a day or you know the day we have practices a couple of days and we don't have there, you're still doing it, you're not missing anything, you just go to the next day. And it was a very practical way to stay in the word, because when you're working through a workbook or a Bible study, when you get behind, then you just are like okay, I'm behind, I'm done, but this, this is a very practical tool that I think is important.
Speaker 2:Well, that's you know, that's what God tells the father to mentor the children. It's a dad's job. Moms do it naturally. Dads, apparently, we don't do it naturally. So God has to remind us your job is not to irritate your child but to raise them up in the fear and correction of the Lord. So that's it. Try to be a cool dad, not the best friend dad, but a cool dad, not judgmental. Don't blow up. That's another thing on the parenting is avoid this. Look, whenever your child says something, if they tell you what happened or what so-and-so did, or what they've declared or whatever, don't go. Just say really, you know, tell me more about it. Just talk as quick as you can. Get into conversation mode, get out of shock mode, because if they tell you what's going on and you're shocked all the time, that's when you get the oh, not much.
Speaker 1:We call that crazy parent mode at Next Talk. We don't go into crazy parent mode. You have to remain calm. In fact, I just left a school and I've got parents and kids signing a pact and the first thing on that family covenant is the parents are promising they're not going to go crazy parent mode and then underneath that I have students who they're promising to tell their parents about all these things and we list them out, but it's a two-way street. It's that communication.
Speaker 2:Well, you're doing it, you're making disciples, mandy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I really appreciate the leadership step. I think this was really good just walking through. There's so many good nuggets here about leading in our home and the quality and just being the good model for our kids. Behind closed doors too, let's just be honest, Because sometimes you see a lot of good leaders in public, a lot of good parents on Facebook, but are they real authentic, living it out in daily life? And I think that's really important too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're right on the mark with that.
Speaker 1:Model it out, all right, anything else for us?
Speaker 2:Not right now. Call me anytime, I'll get my picture just right. Next time I'll take you to the fall picture right there, oh cool.
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