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How do we keep our kids safe online? How do we protect our children in an overexposed, sexualized culture?
Join Mandy Majors (award-winning author of "TALK" and "Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World") for real conversations about the intersection of tech, culture and faith.
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nextTalk
What would you tell your 9th grade self?
Mandy & her daughter recently spoke to a mother/daughter group about social media and online safety. At the end, a mom asked, “What would you tell your 9th grade self?” The reaction to the response is why we did this show! Moms, we recommend you watch first. If you are comfortable with the content we share, we encourage you to let your daughter watch. We pray you can use this show to create healthy conversations and strengthen your mother/daughter relationship.
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture and faith with our kids. You guys loved the last show we did with my 20-year-old daughter, so she's home from college for another visit and she graciously said she would do another show with us. Yeah, might as well. Thanks for being here, hon. If they didn't watch your show last time, just tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 2:So I am a graduate student at a university here in Texas. I'm studying counseling psychology. I actually just finished my first semester of grad school, so that's exciting, but yeah, I mean that's really all I think of you love coffee. Yeah, you had one before this. I feel like I can relate to a lot of you moms out there. Love my coffee.
Speaker 1:Last night we were actually invited to speak to a mother teen daughter group and we talked about social media, online dangers, boundaries to put in place that kind of stuff around social media and keeping kids safe online. But at the end of it, a mom popped up and had the best question for her what would you tell your ninth grade self? I?
Speaker 2:just said it gets better. I didn't think that was a very profound answer, but apparently it is because we're making a podcast about it.
Speaker 1:I want you to expand though, because you did just blurt out it gets better. But then you kind of described in detail and it was just so profound, like seeing the teen girls, their shoulders were just like almost relieved. Like seeing the teen girls, their shoulders were just like almost relieved, and I thought, okay, I want to dive a little bit more into why we think that mattered to them. But before we get into that, I want you to kind of expand on what you said.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure. So I mean, first thing that popped into my head was just it gets better. Because when I look at myself now, like my mental state and also just like stress level and stress tolerance compared to my middle school and high school self, it is so incredibly different. And especially where I am in life now, like being a graduate student, like I'm going to start seeing my counseling clients when I go back to school, so obviously that's it's a huge moment in my life, a huge transition period. And yet when I look back when I was like in my teenage years my young teenage years um, that was insanely more stressful and insanely more um, there's so much more like emotional turmoil and emotional weight on my shoulders that I just didn't know how to deal with. I think, especially today with social media and technology and just like all the societal pressure that middle schoolers and high schoolers face, it's just a completely different ball game than like what you've experienced.
Speaker 2:I remember like being a middle schooler in high school. Are you telling me like I get it, like I was a teenager once, but the thing is like you don't get it because you didn't have Instagram and Tik TOK and your friends weren't going viral on Tik TOK and, um, obviously, you know, there was like the popularity contest. There was the cheerleaders and the jocks, but now you have like the influencers, like there's influencers that I went to middle school with. It's just a completely different reality, truly.
Speaker 1:I think this is so interesting what she's saying, because she's right. I used to say things like well, I was a teenager once, I remember, and I quickly shifted and stopped using that language because I realized what a different world she was growing up in. But but I think we're still figuring out what that looks like, and I think the purpose of this show is why I wanted to dive into you know, what would you say to your ninth grade self is because one I want parents to understand, like the pressures teenagers are under, and then maybe we can also give some practical things that that we did along the way to help ease those extra stressors in your life. Yeah for sure. So I want to kind of talk through some things and again expand on this. Give me some examples of how it's different today with teenagers growing up than when I grew up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean. The immediate thought that comes to my mind is social media. You see people blowing up all the time, getting super famous, and obviously there's a bit of a comparison aspect, but also that is like a career path. Now that's something that people aspire to be is to be viral on TikTok or Instagram or whatever. So that's a whole different thing to navigate mentally.
Speaker 2:When you were a kid, if you weren't invited to a party, you probably wouldn't find out about it. But nowadays, like you do find out about it and you have to face it every day. Um, it's different in college now, like, if I see on Instagram, like I wasn't invited to something, it's like, oh well, like I never see him anyways, like it's fine. But in middle school and high school, like you have to face those people every single day. You have to face the fact that you weren't invited to something. Every single day, you have to face the fact that you weren't invited to something and, especially as a middle schooler and high schooler, your self-esteem is so fragile Like it, it hurts, it hurts and they start to think like what's wrong with me? Like why wasn't I invited? What's better about them? Um, so that's something to keep in mind for sure.
Speaker 1:Well and I just want to play devil's advocate here, because you know some parents may be out there thinking well then, I just won't let my kid have social media. But in my mind the pressure is still there because they're still I mean, if they don't have their own phone, they're going to school but they're still seeing it on a friend's phone, or they're still being aware that this is happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure. And there's even the stigma out of like if you don't have social media, you're missing out on something else entirely. Like there's a whole other culture. There's like micro trends that are so specific to social media that you're just not understanding. Like maybe there's inside jokes or like certain like slang words or language that you're not understanding if you're not involved on social media, so that there's that whole other aspect of like I don't know what they're talking about. Like it must've been something that was trending on TikTok.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Sometimes it's it's trending on TikTok or it's a viral reel on Instagram and it's this one little saying and then everybody's making a video about that, but you don't know what that is because you don't even. You don't even have a phone, you're not even allowed to do that, and so there's that. I mean truly that. I mean we say FOMO all the time, the fear of missing out, but it truly is something that kids struggle with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's something that's definitely radicalized and become a source of anxiety and depression. Like we're seeing so much more clinical examples of anxiety and depression. Like we're seeing so much more clinical examples of anxiety and depression in young children because of social media and that comparison and fear of missing out aspect, but also just the amount of time that kids are spending on social media in their own little like virtual reality world and it's just so different from what you grew up with. There's so many more spaces now that kids have to navigate, especially at such a young age. They don't know how to cope with anxiety and depression and like these really big emotions.
Speaker 1:Well, and it doesn't mean just because I'm saying they're going to struggle, even if they don't have social media, that doesn't mean we give them social media or we say, okay, we just give into it. But but what are some like practical things that that you think parents can do to come alongside to ease some of this stress? Because one thing when we were talking about was, you said, the fear of being recorded, and that's something we talk a lot about at next talk.
Speaker 2:But if you can just explain to parents what you mean by that, yeah, I mean, if I'm just going to zoom out for a second, I think embarrassment is a huge thing for like young teenagers Like me specifically. I am so easily embarrassed I always have been but like it was really big when I was like middle school, high school, like anything that I thought was even remotely like going to draw attention to me um just humiliated me and um, I mean I see that all the time, like when I talk to middle schoolers and high schoolers, like it's still a very apparent thing and some of that is like you know, that's just growing up, like that's going to happen, and so part of the parent's response in that, I think, is equipping them with ways to zoom out and realize like this isn't everything, and a parent can only do so much because in the moment it really does feel like it's everything.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that's the challenge, because we don't want to say this isn't everything, because it feels like everything, and we don't want to be dismissive. You don't want to invalidate that, we don't want to. Yeah, we don't want to be dismissive, and so they'll recognize it eventually, like me.
Speaker 2:Now I look back and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I was so dramatic, like that did not matter at all, but in the moment it felt, it felt so personal and so so, like, deeply rooted in my heart.
Speaker 1:Well, I know one of the things that that I found that worked too was making sure, because you're always scared of being recorded at school and being made fun of, you know, you getting put on a meme falling in the hallway or whatever whatever embarrassing moment that you that you're worried about. One of the things that I found was if I could make sure that home was the safe place and I mean, yeah, we would bust out the phone and record funny things, but there was always an understanding that it would never get posted without permission. And one of the big things that I think about is when she had her wisdom teeth cut out. You know we of course video that.
Speaker 1:I think everybody does, but I, I didn't post that anywhere and you know it was a hey, can I? And she was like absolutely not, because to her it was embarrassing. It wasn't embarrassing, yeah, but I think that is one way instead of parents saying, oh, don't worry, you know, when you get out of high school this is not going to matter, because that's kind of dismissive, and instead do these practical things that make home feel safe, like you have a refuge away from all the recordings and away from all the embarrassment.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Parents. Let me just say this you should not be your kid's biggest bully, and I think sometimes it feels like that when, maybe you tell mom about something really embarrassing that happens and they go post it on Facebook. Oh my gosh, like you're just making fun of your kid in front of all their friends or in front of like a bunch of people. Maybe they don't even know, but like I promise it's going to get back around to them. I will say I feel like a lot of parents, a lot of moms specifically, don't know this or don't recognize this. But, um, I know what you're going to say. It's happened to me many a times. Um, you post something on your personal Facebook, maybe a photo that you don't think like it's a little goofy, but you don't think it's embarrassing, like it's just a dumb little photo, and when they're like first grade, or second grade, yeah.
Speaker 2:Like flashbacks, like for their birthdays, and you're like, oh, it's cute, like it doesn't matter. Oh, it matters, because this is what's going to happen. When their friends want ammunition on them or just want to like poke fun at them, they will find a way, creatively Even if your account's private. They will find a way to get into your Facebook account, screenshot those pictures of your child and blast them everywhere, like broadcast those photos. It has happened to me several times and it was humiliating and looking back, I'm like, whatever it was a picture of me when I was like you know nine, like it's, it's okay. But in the moment I was like, oh my gosh, mom, I can't believe you did that. I cannot believe you did that and you know what that signals to your kid. I can't tell mom stuff. I can't tell mom my private information because it's going to get broadcasted everywhere and everyone's going to make fun of me for it and it makes them feel like mom or dad. They're not my safe place anymore.
Speaker 1:So if you guys have heard me speak, one of the things that I say at events is, if I could turn back the time, and one thing that I would do differently it would be ask permission to post earlier. I started this when she was in middle school. In sixth grade I started asking her permission for everything. I wish I would have started way earlier. It was just. It caught me by storm. You know, we were learning this digital world and I would say learn from my mistakes. You know, don't do what I did, because it also just shows your kid respect and it also teaches them like consent. You know, is it okay if I post this of you and they have the authority to give consent, yes or no? And that can apply to so many other conversations too, about consent and standing up for themselves and and that sort of thing. But but definitely respect that boundary. I will say most of the time when you're.
Speaker 1:When your friends got pictures of you from when you were young, it was done in fun, not true like making fun of you, bullying, not true bullying. But I think we need to be careful with that because even though it wasn't true bullying, I can't dismiss how it made her feel and she didn't like it. And so I think also as moms, I'm guilty of this. I will just be like, oh my gosh, honey, that's your best friend doing it. They love you, they're not making fun of you, but it's dismissing the way it makes her feel. By responding that way, it can hurt this relationship, and so we just have to have our guard up that we're not dismissive of your feelings, even if we think it's silly. And I think sometimes too, moms, when they post something funny like that, like making fun of their kids, I think moms just want to. I mean, I don't think it's done within the intention of being mean, but I think what happens is other people chime in and then they share stories about their kids, and some kids may not like that, and it will affect the relationship and how the kid can feel safe with the parent Absolutely, and so it's just not worth it.
Speaker 1:I always think in my mind, like, is it worth a like to hurt the relationship that I've worked so hard to build? And I think we need to continually ask ourselves that. And so how we've combated that is, I just ask permission now. Even if it's a funny post, that's kind of making fun of them, which I do sometimes, but I will ask your permission and they'll be like oh yeah, I remember Bubby recently had stinky clothes in his locker and I was making fun of him, like what in the world, boys, you've got to wash your clothes. And I asked him if I could post it and he was like sure, but it was kind of, you know, making fun of the fact, and so I think it just shows respect making fun of the fact, and so I think it just shows respect.
Speaker 2:So something else that I think is really weighing heavy on a lot of kids during this developmental period is really just the amount of stressors that they have on them. So, like for me in high school, like I had my extracurriculars AP classes, dual credit classes, friend groups there's this whole like weird, like mental thing about how people are perceiving you and like how you want people to label you or identify you. I remember every day on the first day of school having just overwhelming anxiety about where am I going to sit at lunch, like what friends do I have for that lunch period? Where are we going to sit? Because it feels like it determines the course of your entire high school career.
Speaker 2:Like that sounds so dumb, and like you're probably listening to this like oh please, but seriously, like in high school, middle school, like that's a thing. Like do you have friends to sit with? Are you going to look like a loner? There's just all these anxieties that I think as parents like you have your own stressors, like really like big stressors. Like how am I going to feed my kids? How am I going to you know, like make enough money to get through this week. Like those. Like big things, but for kids they have all these anxieties that just feel really big to them.
Speaker 1:I think one shift from when I was a kid was, I don't, I mean, we didn't have the AP, the dual credit. You know, getting into college wasn't as difficult. I don't think in my generation, I mean, I didn't even know what my rank was, and I remember when you guys had high school, that was a whole thing. You know what's your rank, what you know that first time that came out. And so I do want to talk about expectations a bit, because that was difficult to figure out as a parent, because I didn't want to raise an undisciplined, lazy child. You know, of course we had to have expectations of you guys, but I also think we had to be very careful not to push too hard. And so can you speak into that, because I think that could be very helpful to parents on on what you perceive from your ninth grade self, what helped and what didn't help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I feel like me personally. I feel like y'all always pushed me to do my best, um, but sometimes my best just wasn't good enough and that was okay. Like that was something you said to me. It's like, oh my gosh, like I didn't do well on that test. Well, did you try your best? Yeah, then you did good on that test. You know, it's like, did you study, did you put in the work? And if you didn't get the results you wanted, that's okay, because you tried your best. Um, I feel like that was that was good for me. That was a really good thing that y'all did.
Speaker 1:I do remember one time saying too you know, were you on Instagram when you were studying and that's why you did bad? Or did you actually study and you still didn't, couldn't do it? You know, I think that's a different thing, but it's a thought process that the kids need to think about, because if you're just playing on your phone, that's not doing your best.
Speaker 2:And I wanted you to. I wanted to hold you to that, but I wanted you to think about it Like you tell me what did you do during that study time? Yeah, so when you're shifting the responsibility of the, your, the child's performance, to like their abilities, to like how hard they worked, I feel like it. It shifts the way they think about themselves and their, their identity and the worth of their abilities. Because, say, I didn't do great on a test and y'all were to say like it's because you're not smart, like obviously you wouldn't say that. But if, if I was like, did you? Did you try your best? And I'm like, yeah, I really did try my best. And y'all were like just gotta work harder next time. Well, that's teaching me. My best. Like isn't good enough. No, my best like made me fail this, like I am not good enough to pass this class or to get this grade. So when you're saying like you worked your hardest and that is enough, like that is good, it shifts that mindset of thinking like this is my fault, I did this. Like I'm not good enough. It's taking away that label of like I my fault, I did this, like I'm not good enough. It's taking away that, that label of like I'm stupid, I'm dumb, like I can't do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I also saw a lot, um, like the, the really high performing students that you know they would make a 92 and be in tears in the bathroom and it's like, oh my gosh, like, please, like it's okay, like a 92, like that's phenomenal. But to them, you know, their parents at home are saying a 92, why didn't you get a 100? Like why wasn't it perfect? You could have done better. And so I think that's a really big thing for parents is like when you set a goal, make sure you're not adjusting it. Like if you're telling your kid like I won is.
Speaker 2:Like when you set a goal, make sure you're not adjusting it. Like if you're telling your kid like I won't, like your goal is all A's and they get all nineties. Don't get mad at them for not getting 95s. You know, yeah, like they have met the goal, celebrate that, celebrate that. Don't keep adjusting it to make them do better. No, that can be something down the line Like all right, let's talk. Like, let's work, how can we get this even better next time? That's like that improvement, but not adjusting it so they feel their accomplishments.
Speaker 1:I think we're guilty of that. I think a lot of parents I mean me too are guilty of moving the needle and that it makes you feel like you can never be good enough or you can never do enough, and that really can hurt your, your um your, your self-esteem, your mental health, everything, and so I think that's a really good word.
Speaker 1:I also want to talk about the label.
Speaker 1:We said you know you'd mentioned the label of stupid or dumb or you know whatever. I think that's another thing that parents can do to help teenagers who are struggling today too is just say to your kid, like you don't have to have all the labels figured out, you don't have to have your identity figured out, and that's one thing that I I instilled in her was I would. I would say the only label you give yourself right now is child of God, and you have years to figure out your other labels. You know, like I say, the only label you give yourself right now is child of God, and you have years to figure out your other labels. You know, like I now have a label of mom, of author, of whatever, but, but you have all those years.
Speaker 1:Don't put pressure on yourself when you feel, when in ninth grade, to have it all figured out, because I think the other thing, too I would remind you of is everybody feels kind of weird in ninth grade. Everybody feels weird about their body, about their mental health, about everything. You're questioning everything because you're going through puberty and that's kind of normal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think in your age there was like the pressure to fit in a social group of like the cheerleaders, the jocks, the nerds, the whatever, like that's very stereotypical and like sure that still exists today to a degree. But now there's the addition of social media and the identity labels of like, like, what's your aesthetic? Are you preppy? Are you Coquette?
Speaker 1:Well, let me also ask you this Um, you know you went through different clothing stages as a young girl. Yeah, are you glad that you were able to easily roll out of those and give those away? Cause I think that's a perfect talking point with young people today, as, like with your identity, just give it a minute, because you're going to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely found pressure on myself around junior year of high school to put myself in a certain box, label my style, my aesthetic as something, and it ended up becoming pretty damaging because when I started to feel like, oh, like I don't feel as comfortable in this anymore, it was like no, but this is my identity, I have to stick to this. So, just reminding your kids like you don't have to stick to anything, like you can try things out, like you can try out the different clothes and the different styles, like that's what this time is for, so that when you're in your adulthood you're starting to realize this is what I like, this is what I want to sustain for my life.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about clothing for a minute. Sustain for my life. Let's talk about clothing for a minute and just um, because I do think too, sometimes clothing does equal an identity or a label or something, and I think sometimes parents freak out about it and so can you speak into that Like, just help us figure out how to navigate that.
Speaker 2:I would say, when you're doing that, you're putting a label on your kid yourself, like you're the one stressed out about oh my gosh, are they assuming a label? Are they assuming an identity? But by carrying that assumption with you, you're already like putting a label on them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say in the middle school, high school years, like they're experimenting with different styles and clothings and they're trying to find what they're comfortable and confident in. And if they find something that they're confident in, don't bash them for it or make fun of them for it. Obviously, I feel like maybe there's a line. There's always a line. There's always a line where maybe it's a little too far. But if it's something that they're confident in, that is so rare for a teenager to feel confident in their self and their body and how they're confident in, that is so rare for a teenager to feel confident in their self and their body and how they're presenting themselves, just let them like sit back, like let them, and they'll look back later on and maybe be like oh wow, that was quite a fashion choice, like that was. I mean, I think that all the time I'm like, oh my gosh, like I wore some like interesting stuff back in the day. Um, but it's something they're able to look back on and be like. But you know what? Like I was confident.
Speaker 1:I think too, you know you talk about letting a kid be confident in what they want to wear, and I think that's so, so important for sure. But I also think you know you mentioned a line and there is a line sometimes, Um, and I think that the early conversations help create a foundation for you knowing what that line was a little bit, because it's hard to talk about clothing and body image when your kids are going through puberty and going through all of that, and so I know we don't think that that's a five-year-old conversation, but it actually is, you know, instilling truth in them about how beautiful they are and how confident they should be, and that kind of stuff at five years old. And I think that's really important too. Um, to when, even when they get to this experimenting with clothing, it's like they know a line in their mind.
Speaker 2:For sure. Yeah, I think those foundational conversations we had even though there were some things I would, I would push against at times, especially when I was like a junior in high school there was eventually like a line of like all right, I'm not going that far, like that is like the things I knew from conversations we've had about like that isn't like honoring my body or like that isn't honoring God. So those kinds of things where I was like I wouldn't push that far. But maybe someone like if you haven't had as much open communication, like that's more difficult to navigate because in the time it just feels to the teen like like mom doesn't get it or like she doesn't know what it's like or why can't I just express myself? You know, if this is what I feel confident in, why can't I just wear it? Um, it's so.
Speaker 2:It's a lot of those like early conversations leading up to it. Um, you just want to be careful, like if you are trying to navigate a conversation like that, you're not coming into it with judgment or shaming, because shame is never a productive strategy to change someone's mind ever. That goes for like anything. Shame is just going to make them feel like nasty and and in their head about everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think too you have to be very careful navigating the clothing situation with your teenager. I know for you you have super long legs and so sometimes I would say to you, I mean, I'm jealous, honestly, of the long, thin legs. But I would say to you it's harder for you to wear a skirt because it looks shorter on you. And there's nothing that you're doing wrong. It's the fact that the the way the skirt is made and with your long legs it looks shorter than what it is, and we would talk about dress coding at school. Like I don't want you to get embarrassed, I don't want you to be asked, but but still instilling in you that you were beautiful and it was not a body issue with you, I think is really important as you, as you navigate this.
Speaker 2:I think it was important when you were navigating those conversations about like with my legs, like wearing a skirt, it wasn't like you. Wearing a skirt is like, shameful or you wearing a skirt or girl go change that.
Speaker 1:That is too short, Like I would never just say that you didn't want me to feel like scandalous or sexualized.
Speaker 2:It was just a conversation of like what might the consequences of this be? Like you are taller and like you might get dress coded for that because you have more legs showing you know. So it was like how can you protect yourself from something? It wasn't so much like there's something wrong with you and you need to change this, it was just how can you protect yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And so I think, navigating those conversations parents, when you do need to speak up, you feel like you need to speak up because you, your kid, is crossing the line with clothing or whatever. I think that's important that you do that, but pray about it so that it's guided by the Holy Spirit and we're not body shaming or making our kid feel bad. I think that's very, very important and does a lot for the relationship. I think, more than anything, as parents, we just need to be a safe place for you guys, to be a safe place for you guys to vent, to cry, to question, to yell, sometimes in anger, like I'm just frustrated.
Speaker 1:I know sometimes you would just vent to me and I would go into fix it mode and you would get so mad at me and say, mom, I don't want you to fix anything, I just need to vent to someone. Don't do anything with this information, just let me word vomit on you my words, not yours. But I think being that safe place is so important. So can you talk about that with parents today? I mean, they, these teenagers, are just facing so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I would say teenagers are facing so much judgment, they feel so judged from so much external stimuli. They feel so much pressure to act or be a certain way. They want to have a refuge and a safe place in their parents and the tricky thing is like if they don't find it in you, they'll find it in someone else, someone who might be a bad influence or could be a groomer online. And I don't mean this to be like a fear mongering, like scare, you kind of thing. You just want to be that safe place for your kid, because they are so easily influenced and so easily drawn to things that are more comfortable. You want to be their safe place. You want to be the place where they feel loved and not judged.
Speaker 1:Well, and one of the things I learned too is along the way, and maybe you can speak into this a bit. I feel like you guys really see fake a lot, like you see a kid acting online a certain way and then they go to school and they're completely different. You see that a lot. It's like you can smell a rat when people are trying to act one way online and be different in person. And I think for me as a mom, you have kind of kept me in check. Am I real at home and am I real when I'm posting online? Because to me, that authenticity of you seeing me be the same person helps build our relationship as well and it's a good model for you. And I haven't always been good at that and you've called me out on it. When I'm not, when you're like mom, why would you post this? You would never do this. I mean you've you've called me out on a couple of things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. And again, it instills that idea that, like I, can be real and I can be genuine and authentic with people and there's something good and trustworthy and honest about that. It's not something like your true self, isn't something to be shoved away and hidden under layers of style and makeup and popularity and Instagram posts. It's something to be embraced and um and shown to others.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Um, and I think I think you just guys see fake all day. And if parents can be real, have real conversations and and have that genuineness at home, it means something. Because you're limited on that in your, in your circles. Yeah Right, Even some of your closest friends sometimes are different online than in person.
Speaker 2:I think, more than anything. I think this is almost to summarize everything we've been talking about today. Your kids are just struggling with so much in their social circles and online. Like you want to be that place that's different. Like you want to be that refuge. They don't want to come home to the same exhaustion that they're facing at school.
Speaker 1:And I would also say, parents, if you're, if you're watching this and you're like you know, I think my kid's fine, I don't think they're really struggling with anything. I think I would challenge you on that. And, uh, you know, one of the things that I would say to my kids is, if there's anything that you are struggling with that you can't get out of your mind, like maybe you're laying down at night and something's looping in your mind that is stressing you out, like that's the thing I need you to tell me. And that could be. I mean, that could be something like I don't like the way that person is thinking of me and that could be. I mean, that could be something like I don't like the way that person is thinking of me.
Speaker 1:Or I posted this four days ago and somebody responded this way and now I'm stressed out about it. Whatever it is that is keeping your kid up at night, ask them, say that is what I want you to share with me, because you're not made to do life alone. Like I will carry this with you. And I think if parents can do that and then respond calmly and logically and not overreact into crazy parent mode, I think that man, just real, genuine relationship can happen between parent and child.
Speaker 2:I mean really to loop back to the first thing I said kids, it gets better. That's something that's difficult for parents to say, because they're going to be like, okay, mom, like it's different for me. So I don't know if that's necessarily something you could tell your kids, but I would encourage you parents as well Like it gets better for you, like they'll hit their peaks and they'll they'll be experimenting with all these things and you'll be like, oh my gosh, what's happening? Like, are they going to turn out like this? It'll be fine, it'll mellow out, like it's okay, you're trying your best, um, and your best is good enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say I had a friend tell me trust what you've taught. And I've. I've told myself that over and over again when you are going through your, your weird clothing phases and all of that kind of stuff. So trust what you've taught, yes, and then and then. One other thing that I just want to end on here that I think is really important too, as we're talking about helping teens navigate, is I think it's so important for parents, when they do get it wrong, say they do respond badly to the clothing, they do body shame, they do say something off the cuff that adds to your stress and they realize it. I think it's so, so important to apologize and model that humility for your kid. Can you speak into that a little bit?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think it just so it shows so much respect and trust. Um, when a parent is able to get down on their kid's level and apologize and it shows you know, obviously there's an automatic power imbalance with a parent and a kid and when you're able to get to their level and say, like I messed up, I'm sorry, like I hurt your feelings and I didn't mean to, but like I understand why I did, it means so much and it's so validating when they're in such this, this huge world of emotional turmoil. Um, it just means so much and it builds so much connection that they're able to say like wow, like mom is listening to me and like she's trying to get it, like she can't fully understand what I'm going through, but she's trying.
Speaker 1:It's so different how you are growing up than how I grew up, so we see things differently and I think too, when we're discussing those differences and sometimes I'm a little overbearing in my opinions or whatever you know, a lot of times the day will go by and then I'll come back and say I'm so sorry, I monopolized that conversation. You know, tell me more about how, why you feel that way, because I just don't see it that way. But help me understand. I think too, in just those moments, that has really helped our relationship. Um and again, it's that humility that I. I didn't get it right, I overreacted, I was emotional or whatever, super opinionated, and I came off luxury instead of. I want to listen and I want to hear your perspective.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's that, that humility to want again to listen and to understand um getting on their level.
Speaker 1:So many shifts that we've had over the years that I've screwed up, and then, when I would, when I would correct it, I would see the difference it made. And so that's why I'm so passionate about sharing with you those little, those little tweaks that we made that such made such a difference. Okay, so any last words for parents who have teenagers, and it's just a hard, difficult time right now. How can you support your teenagers better?
Speaker 2:I would say trust the process, trust your kid, trust that you've taught. What was it? Trust what you've taught. Trust what you've taught. Um, it's going to be like quite a ride, but it's all going to work out in the end, Like I'm 20, I'm fine now. We had our moments, though, where we're like, oh my gosh, like is she going to be okay? And I'm okay. I'm living evidence that it's all going to work out.
Speaker 1:It is cool. It is cool to get on this side of it and just she's an adult Like it's so weird, she pays her own rent and her bills and I don't have to check in on her. I mean, it's just a really cool thing. So you've got that waiting on the other side. But I would just encourage you really keep trying to build the relationship, because that is really where it's at. You're keeping them safe online, yes, but you're building a relationship that's going to last forever in your family.
Speaker 3:Be that safe place for your kid. Next Talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe online. To support our work, make a donation at nexttalkorg. Next Talk resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological, legal, financial or other problem. You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan.
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