nextTalk with Mandy Majors
How do we keep our kids safe in a digital world? Technology has transformed childhood. Even if your child doesn’t have a phone, today’s highly sexualized culture overexposes kids to harmful content and conversations.
Join award-winning author Mandy Majors (TALK and Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World) for honest, practical conversations at the intersection of technology, culture, and faith.
There are plenty of tools to control technology — but at nextTalk, we go deeper. We help parents build the kind of trusting relationship where kids actually come to them when something goes wrong.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit dedicated to keeping kids safe by fostering a culture of open communication in families, churches, and schools.
nextTalk with Mandy Majors
My Kid is Ready for a Phone: 3 Things To Do
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You’ve determined your kid is ready for a phone. It’s such a big decision, but you’re ready to take the plunge! We’ll give you three suggestions on how to roll it out effectively with your child.
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast . We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online . We're learning together how to navigate tech , culture and faith with our kids . You've made the decision to get your kid a phone . I have a couple suggestions for you , and I know , with Christmas coming up or maybe a birthday , it's the perfect time to gift your kid a phone , and so these are just a few things that I want you to think about , because I think rolling out a phone correctly can make a huge difference to keep your kids safe online . First of all , what I want to say is this show is not about if your kid is ready or not for a phone . We did a separate show about that that we'll link but this show is specifically geared to parents who are saying , nope , my kid is ready , I'm getting them a phone . How do I roll it out ? And so here's a couple of suggestions that I have for you . Before we get into those , I do want to define what I mean by phone .
Phone vs. Social Media
Speaker 1So this is a phone with internet access , a smartphone . This is not social media . Social media is another beast . So when your kid first gets a phone , I do not advise that they get social media . They should have a trial period where they're texting , they have a few apps and then they can earn one social media platform at a time as kids and parents learn it together and walk through it together . You hear us say a lot at Next Talk to teach your kid how to use a phone , like you're teaching them how to drive . We don't want to start out going 70 miles an hour down the highway in a free-for-all . So you know we start out teaching our kids how to drive in the driveway and then eventually turning out of our neighborhood and going 10 or 20 miles an hour . And so it is the same with getting a kid a phone . If your kid is getting ready to open up a phone on Christmas morning , it shouldn't be a free-for-all where they download seven social media apps all at once . That's way too much for you and your kid to manage . So that's the first thing I want to say . This is not talking about social media . That's an additional step , but they're just getting a phone . What are some core things that we can roll out ? So it's a big step to take this leap of faith and give your kids a phone , and so we want to make sure we roll it out really ,
Explain to your kid why they got this phone
Speaker 1really well .
Speaker 1The first thing that I would recommend explain to your kid why they earned this phone . Write a letter to your kid and put it in the gift and it says hey , do you remember when you told me about your friend group that that that this happened ? Do you remember when you were in the school bathroom and this happened and you told me about it ? Do you remember , uh , three weeks ago , when you were playing Roblox and something really bad popped up on the screen and you told me these are the three reasons why you're earning a phone , and so I think that's really , really important , especially if you're gifting to them on a birthday or a special occasion like Christmas , because automatically they think I'm just getting this because it's a special occasion , and what we want to do is instill in our kids that they've earned this , that we are building a relationship of trust and , as long as they're talking to us , this is what's going to happen . They can earn more freedom because they're growing up , and so I think this number one thing is so , so important .
Speaker 1Explain to your kid why they are getting this phone , why they earned it . Use tangible examples If you have implemented our red flag alert system or any of our family packed resources that we have , with all of those guidelines on what to report , and they report those things to you . That's a conversation because you can say , hey , we have this thing hanging on the fridge where we tell you to tell us about all these different things that you may be seeing or hearing . You're doing that . So because you're doing that now you have earned a phone . So number one is explain to your kid why they earned
You have to create clear guidelines and expectations
Speaker 1that phone . Number two you have to create clear guidelines and expectations . So there have not been many times in my kid's life where we actually set at the family kitchen table and I had them sign a document like signing a mortgage , but their phone contract was that . One time I laid out details of my expectations about that phone and they signed it and that was our phone contract . We have an editable version of that that will link as a resource that you can make it your own . It's a starting point , but you can come up with your own guidelines that you can make it your own . It's a starting point , but you can come up with your own guidelines that you want your kids Some of the things that I have included in , there is no phones in bedrooms or bathrooms .
Speaker 1Now , many of you guys have heard my story about the bathroom guideline and how that came to be . My five-year-old boy had walked in on me changing in the bedroom with an iPad and at that time I was in the beginning of Next Talk and learning what it means to keep your kids safe online and really looking for teachable moments that I could even have with my five-year-old about keeping him safe on his phone in the future , even though he had no phone at five , obviously . And so when he walked in on me changing , it was a light bulb went off in my head because I thought about all the research that I was doing around nude photos . I thought about young middle and high school girls that were telling me that they wanted to be asked for nude photos because it validated who they are , and so it clicked with me . Oh my gosh , my five-year-old is walking in on me and I'm not dressed .
Speaker 1Normally , old Mandy would just shoo him out of here and be like get out , I'm changing . New Mandy thought that's a teachable moment with my five-year-old . I don't need to overexpose him , but I can literally have a conversation with him about hey , bubba , you see that family iPad . It takes pictures . What if you would have taken a picture of mommy without clothes on ? Bubba , we never take pictures of people without clothes on .
Speaker 1So from now on , we're not going to bring the phone into the bathroom , because we don't need phones in bathrooms and , in fact , anytime we're undressing or taking a shower , we don't need any type of camera in there , because we need to have a boundary in place . We don't need a camera or a phone in there when we're not dressed . That's what I said to my five-year-old at the time . Now , what did I do there ? I actually created a boundary in his mind that when you're undressing , you don't have screens present , and so those kinds of teachable moments are what we need to be teaching at five years old to prevent the nude photos at 15 and 16 and 17 . But we're missing it because we don't realize that we need to teach these guidelines before they get a phone , and so , again , you need to when they actually do earn a phone .
Speaker 1You need to go over all of this . Hey , remember , we don't have phones in bathrooms . This is why we don't take pictures of naked people . We don't have phones in the bedrooms . We don't have phones behind closed doors . I also love the no phones in bedrooms at night . I love this conversation because one it's scientific , like the American Pediatric Association even says you should turn off screens 30 to 60 minutes before bedtime . Your mind needs time to decompress before you go to sleep . The other thing too it's just science that we need a good amount of sleep to function the next morning . If you've ever had a kid who is scrolling in the middle of the night , they may be performing badly in school , they may not be a good athlete , whatever it is , because they can barely function because they're not getting sleep . What we want to do is instill in our kids that they understand how important that is , so that they make healthy choices with their phones . So when you're giving your kid a phone , it's the perfect time to create a phone contract and go over all these guidelines that you've already implemented in your home for years , some other guidelines we had we have no phones at meals , no phones behind closed doors and just conversation around it Like .
Speaker 1One of the things I've always said to my kids is your phone is not a diary . Anything you snap , post and share can be uncovered . Anything can be screenshot or recorded by another phone from a friend , and so nothing is ever really private . I've also , you know , we've had FBI cases where they can uncover disappearing pictures and so , just reminding your kids of that , nothing ever really disappears with technology , so your phone just should never be a diary . One of the things that I would say was , if you don't want a parent , pastor or teacher to see , don't do it on your phone . Just a good one-liner to help your kids understand the importance of that . And so you're going to continue all of that , but you're going to lay this out for them when they get that first phone and you're going to create those guidelines and expectations . One thing I want to say about this say , your kid is 13 , 14 , or 15 , and you're giving them a phone and you're rolling out these guidelines for them . Don't get stuck in your guidelines , because what is a guideline for a 14-year-old may not be a guideline for a 17-year-old . I almost missed this , so I want to make sure that I'm passing on what I've learned here .
Speaker 1I remember looking at my husband one day when my daughter was 17 and a half and she was getting ready to go to college in six months , and I looked at him and said oh , she's never had a phone in her bedroom at night ever , and so we're going to send her off to college and her first time in a dorm room is going to be when she has that phone at night . So we caught her doing something amazing . She confided in us about something and she earned her phone in her bedroom at night , but this was six months before she was getting ready to go to college . I do not advocate that for younger kids and you can't give more freedom if they're lying to you . So we had had no problems . We had still been doing you know random phone checks and making sure and she was talking to us and all the things . There were no red flags . So she was earning more freedom by getting her phone in her bedroom at night . But that prepared her for college , for being out of our home and by herself and what it feels like to have a phone at night and just to be an advocate for yourself , that you have to choose to turn it off and stop scrolling , instead of mom or dad telling you to shut it off . Those are the kinds of tech decisions that we want our kids to make .
Speaker 1So this number two create clear guidelines and expectations are really , really important to implement when they're first getting a phone . So number one explain why your kid earned it , so , so important . Number two create clear guidelines and expectations
You have to monitor and talk
Speaker 1. Number three is this your kids are going to be exposed on a phone , so you have to monitor and talk . Now , here's what I mean by that . If you don't want to say the words pornography , sexuality , sextortion to your kids , they're not ready for a phone because they're going to be exposed to all of that . So we have to make sure that we're saying those words .
Speaker 1If the kid is getting a phone and listen , I say this monitor and talk , monitor and talk . I'm all for random phone checks , being up in their business , especially at first . You're going to be up in their business a lot at first when they first get a phone and then , as you learn to trust them , you won't have to check as often . Right ? We use the analogy of a kite . We're letting the string out . They fly , they may make a mistake . You reel it in and then you teach the teachable moment and then you let out the string again . You let them have more freedom as they earn back the trust . So you're going to be doing all these random phone checks . You're going to be setting parental restrictions . You're going to have their passwords . That's all part of that monitoring piece . It's all good , but with every one of those there's loopholes . Restrictions are good , but it's really about that relationship . So this third point when I say monitor and talk , the monitor is just part of it .
Speaker 1The talk is the bigger portion and again , we have so many resources here at Next Talk . If you do not have one of our family packs , download that this gets your kids . It outlines what are expectations of you to report to us . It also has expectations of parents on there saying we're not going to go crazy parent mode . We're going to stay calm when you tell us things , and so it's a two-way street on those family packets and this is a new resource that we've created that we want you to use and utilize .
Speaker 1Christmas break and New Year's is the perfect opportunity . You're going to have time off of school , more family time . It's a great time to reset the communication in your home . So , especially if your kids are getting a phone for the first time , you have the phone contract resource and you have these new family packs that you can come together and be like okay , we just need to be , we're on the same page here . These are the kinds of topics that we're going to be talking about and I need you reporting to me
Closing comments
Speaker 1. So you're getting your kid a phone , you're wrapping it up . Three suggestions that I have for you . Explain why your kid earned it . Look your kid in the face . Write them a letter and say this is why . Because you're confiding in me about this , this and this . You told me about this , this and this . Two create clear guidelines and expectations . Get that phone contract and number three . Monitor and talk . Get those family packs and be a household and a family that is committed to open communication where no topic is off limits . Make a donation today at nexttalkorg .
Speaker 2Next Talk . Resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional , or to diagnose , treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical , psychological , legal , financial or other problem . You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan .