Is my kid ready for a phone?

It’s a big decision to give your child a phone. We provide three questions to ask yourself to help you determine if your child is ready.

Chapters

• 0:16 Is my kid ready for a phone?
• 4:10 Are you ready for the additional responsibility?
• 4:49 Is my kid confiding in me?
• 9:57 Is my kid lying to me about anything?

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture and faith with our kids. Today's question is is my child ready for a phone? We get asked this a lot, so I wanted to do a podcast and kind of lay out some questions that I would love for you to be able to ask yourself. First of all, I want to define what we mean by phone. I'm talking about a smartphone with internet connection, and when I say a phone, I don't include social media. So that doesn't mean if your kid earns a phone, if your kid gets a phone, that they automatically include social media. So that doesn't mean if your kid earns a phone, if your kid gets a phone, that they automatically get social media. That's an additional step in my mind. So when I'm answering this question, is my child ready for a phone, what I'm talking about is a smart home with internet connection, but this is not talking about social media. So this would not be Instagram, this would not be Snapchat. This would be an actual, just phone to start out with. So I want to just be clear there on what I mean about the definition of a phone. You know your kid better than anyone and it's always your family, your choice.

Speaker 1: 1:16

But I do think there's some key things that we need to think about when we're asking ourselves this question. You know, many times maybe a circumstance in your family will dictate when you give your kids a phone. So, for example, if you have a single parent and your kid is getting off the bus and going into the house and you don't have a landline, so you want to stay in touch with your kid, so that may dictate when your kid gets a phone, All of that is okay, but we have to lay out some guidelines for that kid. The other thing is this A lot of times when we're talking about giving kids a phone, I will always hear people say well, when they're 14 or when they're 15 or when they're 16, that's when they get a phone.

Speaker 1: 1:59

I do not believe in that, and this is why you can say an age. I do not believe in that and this is why you can say an age. But you also have to attach behavior to it. My kid should not be earning a phone just because they have a birthday and turn 16. They should also be demonstrating to me that they're ready for that freedom and I'm more interested in the behavior aspect rather than their age. We've always said delay, delay, delay, but also having a phone is like a life skill that our kids need. So you have to find the right balance to implement that. I also want to say, when we're talking about this age thing, you know we did a show on the anxious generation Jonathan Hyatt book, which I loved and highly respect his work. We did a show on that previously. We'll link it below.

Speaker 1: 2:48

But one of the collaborative actions that he is pushing is wait until 16. I don't know how I feel about that, because this is why, In my state, 16 is when you start driving, and so we have to be careful not to give too much freedom all at once. I know what worked really well with my kids they got a phone before they started driving and what was really cool about that is when they started driving. Then they experienced a different kind of freedom and they experienced like real life in person friendships because they could go to games more, they could meet up with friends for dinner, and those were good conversations about how before, when they weren't driving and they were home on screens more, how it made them feel. And so, again, it's just using those moments in life where they're understanding that people are greater than screens. So the wait until 16. I mean, you can if you want, but I feel like it should be more of a staggered approach, because that's a lot of freedom all at once to drive and have all the social media at once.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Those are some disclaimers that I want to throw out there as we walk through this show, but I want to give you three questions to ask yourself if you're thinking about is my kid ready for a phone? Okay? So here's question number one, and this is a question for the parents Are you ready for the additional responsibility? That's your first question. This is going to take more parenting on your part. You're going to have to do be doing random phone checks. You're going to have to be monitoring their social media accounts as they earn social media platforms. Again, it's one platform at a time, not a free-for-all. When they first get a phone, but are you ready for the additional responsibility that comes with it to make sure your kid is safe on that? So that's question one. You just have to be okay with knowing that you have to be engaged in their online world and you have to know what's going on. Number two, and really this is the biggest question to ask yourself if you're considering is my kid ready for a phone? This is a big one. Is my kid confiding in me?

Speaker 1: 5:00

If you are a parent and you have implemented our red flag alert system, those are reporting guidelines that you go over with your elementary age kids, guidelines that you go over with your elementary age kids. If they are reporting things to you, then they are signaling that they're earning a phone. If you have laid out those red flag reporting guidelines like these are the things that I want you to tell me about, whether it's in a conversation or online. I want you. We need to be talking about these key things and you're laying that out for them. And then you're finding things on the family iPad or the family computer that they're not telling you and it's those specific things. They're not ready for a phone. So the red flag alert system really allows you to determine if your kid is ready for a phone or not.

Speaker 1: 5:50

One of the things with my kid, when she first earned a phone, she was using my phone, you know, to text her friends and to play apps and that kind of thing, and I think that's kind of a normal step that kids will do. You'll notice that they'll be on your phones more often, and so she was talking with her friends and playing all sorts of apps. And one day we were in a Mexican restaurant and we had a whole bunch of people with us and she was playing my phone. And she actually got up and came over to me and she whispered hey, mom, this just popped up on my app and what it was? It was a four plus app. She was playing and you build your own avatar.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Well, there was one person and this was when she was in fourth or fifth grade there was one person with a shirt on that had the F word. When she showed it to me, I looked at her and I just whispered back and I said thank you so much for telling me. I didn't take the phone and show everybody or I didn't make a big scene, nothing like that. But when we got in the car after we left the restaurant, I made a big deal about it and I said listen, this is what I always want you to do, is report stuff like that to me, Things that you look at, that you're like whoa what, and you know as a fourth or fifth grader. The F word was shocking to her, and so that was my signal in my head that she's earning, she's taking steps to earn more online freedom, and so those are the things we want to look for, and I had implemented those red flag alerts.

Speaker 1: 7:26

I write about them in Keeping Kids Safe. It's under the chapter of explain what to report, but at Next Talk we've kind of turned those in and even bulked them up more and created that red flag alert system. These are things that I tried and true in my own home to get my kids ready to see if they're ready to earn a phone and so utilize that, Because if they're not communicating and reporting things to you that they're seeing they're on your phone or on the family iPad or through a conversation at school if they're not reporting things to you like new things they're hearing and seeing, then you can't give them a phone. They're not ready for that yet, and so we want to get them into the habit of coming to us and saying what does this mean? I heard this at recess, and those sorts of things. All of that is on the red flag alert.

Speaker 1: 8:16

So an example on the red flag alert is if you ever hear a new word, phrase or idea and you're thinking, Hmm, I wonder what that means, that's a red flag that should go off in your brain to go ask mom and dad. So, again, it's just training them to kind of be their own little filter, to come to you and to bring it up as a family, and then you guys get to talk about it, how you want to handle it. The kid confiding in you I mean, it's more than just stuff online. It's again, like I said, conversations on the bus, conversations at the lunch table, sleepovers, what happens in the bathrooms at school, that sort of thing. And so are they confiding things in you? And if they're not, just they're not ready for a phone. So we have to make sure this is a really big one.

Speaker 1: 9:06

The other thing is we just rolled out a new resource and they're called family packs. So, for example, the red flag alert is really designed for the preschool or early elementary. It can hang on your fridge If you're like my kids are kind of past that, but I want them to start reporting things to me, I want them to start talking to me. We've developed two different family packs one for younger kids, one for older kids. They have no graphics on them, they just look a little bit older, and so those are always available to you. But that kind of goes through. It's the same system. You're going to report this stuff to me and let me know, and it is coming together as this team effort of we're going to work together to keep you safe. So if you talk to me about this stuff, you're going to earn more freedom.

Speaker 1: 9:49

So, again, that second question is the biggest one. Is my kid confiding in me? That is really going to determine if they're ready for a phone or not. Kid confiding in me? That is really going to determine if they're ready for a phone or not. And then the third thing is this is my kid lying to me about anything? Does my kid respect our guidelines or are they being sneaky? I'm just going to say a really hard truth to you If your kid is lying to you, they should not be getting a phone. If your kid, if you don't trust your kid, you should not be giving more online access. And so these are the kind of the hard questions that we have to ask ourselves If we're, if we're thinking about is my kid ready for a phone? So those are my top three questions that you need to be asking yourself.

Speaker 1: 10:32

Am I ready for the additional responsibility? Is my kid confiding in me? And really that is the biggest one. Is my kid confiding in me? And really that is the biggest one. Is my kid confiding in me? And three is my kid lying to me about anything? Can I trust this kid or are they sneaky? So I hope these three things will really help you decide if your kid is ready for a phone or not. Take those three things, pray about it, talk with your spouse or co-parent and then decide together. Is my kid ready for a phone? Make a donation today at nexttalkorg. Next Talk resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological, legal, financial or other problem. You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan.