Is my kid ready for a phone?

It’s a big decision to give your child a phone. We provide three questions to ask yourself to help you determine if your child is ready.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome to the Next Talk podcast . We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online . We're learning together how to navigate tech , culture and faith with our kids . Today's question is

Is my kid ready for a phone?

Speaker 1 0:16

is my child ready for a phone ? We get asked this a lot , so I wanted to do a podcast and kind of lay out some questions that I would love for you to be able to ask yourself . First of all , I want to define what we mean by phone . I'm talking about a smartphone with internet connection , and when I say a phone , I don't include social media . So that doesn't mean if your kid earns a phone , if your kid gets a phone , that they automatically include social media . So that doesn't mean if your kid earns a phone , if your kid gets a phone , that they automatically get social media . That's an additional step in my mind . So when I'm answering this question , is my child ready for a phone , what I'm talking about is a smart home with internet connection , but this is not talking about social media . So this would not be Instagram , this would not be Snapchat . This would be an actual , just phone to start out with . So I want to just be clear there on what I mean about the definition of a phone . You know your kid better than anyone and it's always your family , your choice .

Speaker 1 1:16

But I do think there's some key things that we need to think about when we're asking ourselves this question . You know , many times maybe a circumstance in your family will dictate when you give your kids a phone . So , for example , if you have a single parent and your kid is getting off the bus and going into the house and you don't have a landline , so you want to stay in touch with your kid , so that may dictate when your kid gets a phone , All of that is okay , but we have to lay out some guidelines for that kid . The other thing is this A lot of times when we're talking about giving kids a phone , I will always hear people say well , when they're 14 or when they're 15 or when they're 16 , that's when they get a phone .

Speaker 1 1:59

I do not believe in that , and this is why you can say an age . I do not believe in that and this is why you can say an age . But you also have to attach behavior to it . My kid should not be earning a phone just because they have a birthday and turn 16 . They should also be demonstrating to me that they're ready for that freedom and I'm more interested in the behavior aspect rather than their age . We've always said delay , delay , delay , but also having a phone is like a life skill that our kids need . So you have to find the right balance to implement that . I also want to say , when we're talking about this age thing , you know we did a show on the anxious generation Jonathan Hyatt book , which I loved and highly respect his work . We did a show on that previously . We'll link it below .

Speaker 1 2:48

But one of the collaborative actions that he is pushing is wait until 16 . I don't know how I feel about that , because this is why , In my state , 16 is when you start driving , and so we have to be careful not to give too much freedom all at once . I know what worked really well with my kids they got a phone before they started driving and what was really cool about that is when they started driving . Then they experienced a different kind of freedom and they experienced like real life in person friendships because they could go to games more , they could meet up with friends for dinner , and those were good conversations about how before , when they weren't driving and they were home on screens more , how it made them feel . And so , again , it's just using those moments in life where they're understanding that people are greater than screens . So the wait until 16 . I mean , you can if you want , but I feel like it should be more of a staggered approach , because that's a lot of freedom all at once to drive and have all the social media at once .

Speaker 1 3:58

Those are some disclaimers that I want to throw out there as we walk through this show , but I want to give you three questions to ask yourself if you're thinking about is my kid ready for a phone ? Okay

Are you ready for the additional responsibility?

Speaker 1 4:10

? So here's question number one , and this is a question for the parents Are you ready for the additional responsibility ? That's your first question . This is going to take more parenting on your part . You're going to have to do be doing random phone checks . You're going to have to be monitoring their social media accounts as they earn social media platforms . Again , it's one platform at a time , not a free-for-all . When they first get a phone , but are you ready for the additional responsibility that comes with it to make sure your kid is safe on that ? So that's question one . You just have to be okay with knowing that you have to be engaged in their online world and you have to know what's going on .

Is my kid confiding in me?

Speaker 1 4:49

Number two , and really this is the biggest question to ask yourself if you're considering is my kid ready for a phone ? This is a big one . Is my kid confiding in me ?

Speaker 1 5:00

If you are a parent and you have implemented our red flag alert system , those are reporting guidelines that you go over with your elementary age kids , guidelines that you go over with your elementary age kids . If they are reporting things to you , then they are signaling that they're earning a phone . If you have laid out those red flag reporting guidelines like these are the things that I want you to tell me about , whether it's in a conversation or online . I want you . We need to be talking about these key things and you're laying that out for them . And then you're finding things on the family iPad or the family computer that they're not telling you and it's those specific things . They're not ready for a phone . So the red flag alert system really allows you to determine if your kid is ready for a phone or not .

Speaker 1 5:50

One of the things with my kid , when she first earned a phone , she was using my phone , you know , to text her friends and to play apps and that kind of thing , and I think that's kind of a normal step that kids will do . You'll notice that they'll be on your phones more often , and so she was talking with her friends and playing all sorts of apps . And one day we were in a Mexican restaurant and we had a whole bunch of people with us and she was playing my phone . And she actually got up and came over to me and she whispered hey , mom , this just popped up on my app and what it was ? It was a four plus app . She was playing and you build your own avatar .

Speaker 1 6:35

Well , there was one person and this was when she was in fourth or fifth grade there was one person with a shirt on that had the F word . When she showed it to me , I looked at her and I just whispered back and I said thank you so much for telling me . I didn't take the phone and show everybody or I didn't make a big scene , nothing like that . But when we got in the car after we left the restaurant , I made a big deal about it and I said listen , this is what I always want you to do , is report stuff like that to me , Things that you look at , that you're like whoa what , and you know as a fourth or fifth grader . The F word was shocking to her , and so that was my signal in my head that she's earning , she's taking steps to earn more online freedom , and so those are the things we want to look for , and I had implemented those red flag alerts .

Speaker 1 7:26

I write about them in Keeping Kids Safe . It's under the chapter of explain what to report , but at Next Talk we've kind of turned those in and even bulked them up more and created that red flag alert system . These are things that I tried and true in my own home to get my kids ready to see if they're ready to earn a phone and so utilize that , Because if they're not communicating and reporting things to you that they're seeing they're on your phone or on the family iPad or through a conversation at school if they're not reporting things to you like new things they're hearing and seeing , then you can't give them a phone . They're not ready for that yet , and so we want to get them into the habit of coming to us and saying what does this mean ? I heard this at recess , and those sorts of things . All of that is on the red flag alert .

Speaker 1 8:16

So an example on the red flag alert is if you ever hear a new word , phrase or idea and you're thinking , Hmm , I wonder what that means , that's a red flag that should go off in your brain to go ask mom and dad . So , again , it's just training them to kind of be their own little filter , to come to you and to bring it up as a family , and then you guys get to talk about it , how you want to handle it . The kid confiding in you I mean , it's more than just stuff online . It's again , like I said , conversations on the bus , conversations at the lunch table , sleepovers , what happens in the bathrooms at school , that sort of thing . And so are they confiding things in you ? And if they're not , just they're not ready for a phone . So we have to make sure this is a really big one .

Speaker 1 9:06

The other thing is we just rolled out a new resource and they're called family packs . So , for example , the red flag alert is really designed for the preschool or early elementary . It can hang on your fridge If you're like my kids are kind of past that , but I want them to start reporting things to me , I want them to start talking to me . We've developed two different family packs one for younger kids , one for older kids . They have no graphics on them , they just look a little bit older , and so those are always available to you . But that kind of goes through . It's the same system . You're going to report this stuff to me and let me know , and it is coming together as this team effort of we're going to work together to keep you safe . So if you talk to me about this stuff , you're going to earn more freedom .

Speaker 1 9:49

So , again , that second question is the biggest one . Is my kid confiding in me ? That is really going to determine if they're ready for a phone or not . Kid

Is my kid lying to me about anything?

Speaker 1 9:57

confiding in me ? That is really going to determine if they're ready for a phone or not . And then the third thing is this is my kid lying to me about anything ? Does my kid respect our guidelines or are they being sneaky ? I'm just going to say a really hard truth to you If your kid is lying to you , they should not be getting a phone . If your kid , if you don't trust your kid , you should not be giving more online access . And so these are the kind of the hard questions that we have to ask ourselves If we're , if we're thinking about is my kid ready for a phone ? So those are my top three questions that you need to be asking yourself .

Speaker 1 10:32

Am I ready for the additional responsibility ? Is my kid confiding in me ? And really that is the biggest one . Is my kid confiding in me ? And really that is the biggest one . Is my kid confiding in me ? And three is my kid lying to me about anything ? Can I trust this kid or are they sneaky ? So I hope these three things will really help you decide if your kid is ready for a phone or not . Take those three things , pray about it , talk with your spouse or co-parent and then decide together . Is my kid ready for a phone ? Make a donation today at nexttalkorg . Next Talk resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional or to diagnose , treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical , psychological , legal , financial or other problem . You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan .