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Marriage Advice with Pastor Robert Emmitt
Pastor Robert Emmitt shares practical marriage advice from communication to honesty to finance management. He is the founding pastor of Community Bible Church in San Antonio, TX. Robert and his wife, Julie, have been married for 45 years.
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.
Speaker 2:It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.
Speaker 1:All right, we're Mandy and Kim here today with the Next Talk podcast and we have our most special guest, Pastor Robert Emmett, back on the show today.
Speaker 3:Hi, everybody, I guess we did okay last time, if you're coming back today. Hi everybody. Yay, it was a lot of fun. I guess we did okay last time. If you're coming back today to listen, so that's a good thing.
Speaker 1:You're always welcome back, Robert, always. We love your candidness. Quite frankly, it's refreshing.
Speaker 2:Yes, we had you on the show to talk about parenting and it was so good. I mean, it was just straightforward, practical, wonderful advice and so we're like have him back.
Speaker 3:It's so much easier to speak it than to live it, though I'd rather say this is what you ought to do than, ah, it's what I got to do.
Speaker 2:Yes, we're always pointing the finger at ourselves too, right, yep?
Speaker 3:Okay, so today what's the topic today? Marriage. Oh man, you did that just because we're selling 45 years 45 years is an accomplishment.
Speaker 1:It's amazing.
Speaker 3:We're finding that out. It's kind of like wow to the same person, yep, not five people nine different times Same person.
Speaker 1:So what is your best piece of advice? To stay married 45 years. What would you say? Just give it to us.
Speaker 3:Colossians 3, I think it's verse 16. Make allowance for each other's faults, forgiving one another, just as Christ Jesus forgave you. Drop the mic and walk out of here. We're done. We're done.
Speaker 1:That's the show.
Speaker 3:No, marriage is challenging and there's lots of stuff in the Bible, a lot of examples probably as many bad examples in the Bibles of marriages as there are good ones. But I guess the Lord put it in there to let us know hey, there's good and bad in all of it. So, you know, for Julie and I I think I said it on the last show our backgrounds were entirely different. I came from a solid family and church every week and vacations and all that she came from, divorce and various home abuses and bad situations, and it all, you know, eventually turned out better, you know, but it wasn't easy at first. So she did. She came into the marriage not knowing at all what. You know what a healthy marriage looks like. And we just and funny, I was pastoring when we got married, so when the preacher did our service we didn't get any counseling. He just, I guess he just assumed. But you know, when I do marriages it was like you got to get six weeks, I got to see the sign book, I want to see the homework you've done. But with us, you know, I told Julie, I said, well, I'll treat you the way that Jesus tells me to treat you. And she says, well, I'll treat you the way he tells me to treat you. And I said, well, it ought to work out. And we have.
Speaker 3:We laugh a lot. People always think I'm the comedian, but julie is. She is a stand-up comedy, hilarious at home and in private, and with a few select friends that share the same sense of humor that she does. I'll walk over. She's in her chair looking at something, just dying laughing. And betsy bueller you know Betsy, yeah, they both have the same kind of humor and I mean they send each other the silliest, goofiest stuff and they're just laughing. She said, oh, you're gonna love this. I look at it and I, yeah, okay, didn't strike me like it, did you? We laugh, I. We probably laughed every day of our lives, almost except for the, you know, the, the trauma days of. You know that goes with life's experiences.
Speaker 3:But we laugh a lot, we talk a lot. We have an uncanny ability to be calling or texting each other about the exact same time. You know you'll be. I'll pick up my phone and call her, text you where I'm at, and then she's. She's on the phone, you know, in the car. I said I can't believe I was just about to text you, we, just you know it used to happen. We think, wow, that's really cool. Now we go wow, that's, you know, that's pretty normal. Just, I don't know if it's in tune or timing or bio rhythms or whatever you want to call it, but we just seem to. We talk a lot and, you know, always have.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I remember you talking a lot about, and Matt and I did this for many, many years and really we still do. Every year on your anniversary, go out and do a checkup. So talk about that and it's just been so great for our marriage, just to make sure, because there are seasons where you're so busy that you can't be with each other as much right, you can't. You're working, you're raising kids, you're passing each other for five minutes, and so I loved your little checkup, your annual checkups that you would remind us to do when you were pastoring our church.
Speaker 3:We could not be having this conversation at a better time, and tomorrow morning at 5 am we fly out of here to Miami for our 45th honeymoon and what Mandy's talking about, if you're new to my life or teachings. Every year since we got married, julie and I make every anniversary a honeymoon. We go away. Used to be for three or four days, now it's at least a week or more, but we just get away, the two of us. We just relax, sleep in, eat good food, do whatever we want to do, watch shows and movies, take walks, and we have a conversation which is a pretty short one now but used to go like okay, you know, what have I done right in the past year? Oh, you did this.
Speaker 3:I said what is one or two things you wish I'd really work on this year? Well, you know, if you would do a little more of this or a little less of that, I said, got it. And then she'd say what have I done right? You know, I'd tell her everything. Then she'd say what do I need to work on? And I said absolutely nothing. You are perfect nothing.
Speaker 2:You are perfect Smart man.
Speaker 2:That's right, it's so funny because that is exactly. We learn that from you also and we keep the sheet that we write it on, and so we have this folder full of this kind of reflection of our marriage over the years. You can see rocky times, you could see high times, and just seeing that as it reminds me of you because you poured that into us as a young couple, and it's just really a special way to reconnect and remember the good things about your spouse and how you can serve them better.
Speaker 3:And remember the last talk, the Zig Ziglar thing. Have four compliments for every correction. It works with spouses too. You know, just as this. I love you for you doing this, this and this is awesome. This is one area that you know I wish you'd work on just a little bit. You know, always kind of soft play it because you get the message, but you know you do that and you work on it and then after 25 years you're pretty much done changing. This is you, yes, and you're not trying to ask them to change, so you just make the allowance.
Speaker 3:I always joke with the uh, the dishwasher, you know, and she loads it. Just, you know, her thing is get them out of the sink into the dishwasher, I don't care what they look. Bowls up, you know. Cups up, I said julie, you know, turn them upside down, I don't care how they come out. She wants to finish the dishes and go hang with family and friends and talk. You know I I'm the one that. Look, here's a picture. I gave her a picture once from the owners. I said see where the plates go and the bowls. And I joke because I told people I used to show her how you do this. And she says you are so much better at this than I could ever be. And she said why don't you just keep doing it? I said, well, I will if you want me to. Yeah, that's all right. So what an idiot I am.
Speaker 3:I pulled myself into slavery to her. I mean, it's you know she'll throw them in there in every which way. Her schedules. She's a morning worker. You know she likes the kitchen spotless and clean in the morning. I like to go to bed with it clean. So you know she likes the kitchen spotless and clean in the morning. I like to go to bed with it clean. So you know she goes to bed and I'm in there, make sure there's water in the coffee pot and and get the dishes. She said, leave the dishes, we'll get them tomorrow. And I just I said, golly, I don't want to sit in there for eight hours. You know, drying out it's just easier just to wash them, put them away. But you know we kind of found that rhythm for us that you go, wow, you know I clean up in the evening, she cleans up in the morning and a lot of the stuff we share. But you know, marriage is the two become one and as you become one, you really understand each other, you know each other's strengths and weaknesses.
Speaker 3:And what was that book that everybody loves, the Five Love Languages. It was a meaningful touch and encouraging words, gifts, service and something else. And you know, for early years of our marriage I was busy buying her, you know, the best jewelry I could get her and afford and stuff, and she's, oh, thank you, always loved it at the moment. And then, you know, hardly ever wore it. And then I'd, you know, do something, you know, put the dishes up or vacuum the floor or something, and she just, oh, thank you.
Speaker 3:Her love language was acts of service. When I learned that I saved so much money, all I had to do was acts of service, I'm getting out of this cheap. And her, my, oh, quality time, that's the last one, mine's quality time. And, uh, you know, she learned. You know she's not a big sit on the back porch and watch the world go by person, but she always comes out when I'm out there and sits down and, you know, has a cup of tea or coffee. We just talk and visit. And then she says, well, I think I'm going to head back in now.
Speaker 1:I said she's got to go look at her reels that her friend sent her, but she's intentional. Robert's outside. I know he likes me going out there and I think that's the intentionality is so important.
Speaker 3:My driving in the mountains. You know, living up here in Colorado me and retired, you know, but 65 degrees and blue skies, it's a Tuesday, you know. I said I'm heading up to the mountains and sometimes I'll go by myself and you know I tell her I'll just pack a bag for a night or two and I'll call you wherever I land. Sometimes, you know, she says I'll go with you, you know, and she doesn't like the long drives, but she goes because she knows I like having her and I know that she doesn't like driving fast, so I drive like an old man when she's in the car.
Speaker 2:You know, when you learn about your spouse, you're like well, this is not what I would do.
Speaker 3:But she's hitting the floor with her foot and putting her hand on the dashboard.
Speaker 1:You're only getting your tickets without Julie.
Speaker 3:She's never been with me when I got a ticket.
Speaker 1:Because you're intentional with her. You know she doesn't like you driving fast. She's never been with me when I got a ticket.
Speaker 3:Because you're intentional with her, you know she doesn't like you driving fast.
Speaker 1:One thing that you said in a sermon. I mean you said this multiple times over the years, but you would say God would always speak to me like hitting me up side the head by a two, by four or through my wife, the way I put it is I've heard the voice of the Lord and it sounds a lot like Julie.
Speaker 2:That's right. I remember that.
Speaker 1:I love that, though, but you know, robert, again, you're the dad, you're the leader of the family, and you approach marriage in the family with such humble leadership. That's what I think is such a gift that you have is that you're not some. I'm the pastor, I'm your father, because I said so, I'm the man. It's like you're so humble when you're like, hey, what could I do better, julie, and you receive that, and you don't get mad if she says something to you Like well, you really do need to work on this, robert.
Speaker 3:You know, I was both ways, because I'm the only one saying what can I improve on, you know? But it's always because I kind of and would you like to ask me a question? And I grew up. I grew up in a great family and you know, my dad brought my mom coffee in bed every day of her life and when he was in town he worked and traveled a lot. But when he was in town, he, he traded, he, she never filled her car up with gas, she never balanced her checkbook. I mean, she was a wonderful mother and wife and he was that old Southern gentleman. Just, you know, ladies don't pump gas in the car, that's what the men do. And he did that all their lives. And then when he died and I kind of took over taking care of my mom, I said well, let's go to the gas station and I'll show you how to put gas in your car.
Speaker 3:She says I don't know how to put gas in my car. I said I've never seen you do it. She got married. She was like 30 and my dad was 27,. World War II and they got out. So she said, lull me, robert, I was pumping gas in my car long before I met your father and then, when I was balancing her checkbook I mean, her checkbook was just immaculate I said, miss E, you've got the thing balanced to a penny, you don't need me to check it. She said I was writing checks and balancing checkbooks long before your father. Well, why'd you let him do it? Well, it's what he wanted to do. It made him feel needed, so I let him do it. But I don't need you to take care of me. I'm good.
Speaker 2:I love it. I do actually remember you telling a story in a sermon once about that and being the feeling needed is it's important? Because when we feel like we're not needed, then what am I here for?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah. And you know the thing I wrote my book first time, did well the second time. You know, this was the famous version, the last version.
Speaker 1:Okay, say the name of the book and describe why you have that as the cover.
Speaker 2:The picture. I always love the picture, yes.
Speaker 3:This one is called Marriage and there are two buzzards on there. They're black vultures and the reason I put them on there is this is a late in life book and it is because I found out these are the two most monogamous creatures on earth. Once they mate, they stay mated for life and if either one starts flirting with other buzzards, the whole buzzard clan comes in and starts harassing them until they back off. So I thought, wow, marriage, you know. And Christopher, my oldest, the preacher, you know. He said you know you kind of wonder sometimes why you don't get published. I said, well, that's thought. But he said you cover your book Pops. I'm about to get married. I don't want to read a marriage book with two buzzards on it. Are you a mom on there or something? I said. I thought it was funny.
Speaker 2:That's why you're a preacher, not a writer. I remember you telling that in church and my husband has told our kids many times about the buzzards and he's like that's me and mom, and that's what you need to be. It stuck with us. I like the cover.
Speaker 3:The other one. The first one I did was how to have a Happier Marriage. And I's his name, barry Portluck the cartoonist, and he just had a ton of great funny cartoons and I asked him so would you mind if I put that in my book? And he said sure, I mean there were just cartoons like every few pages, those alone, you know. The lady said you know he won't read the book, but he looks at the cartoons at least we're getting him to open it up. But you know, it's just my thing.
Speaker 3:The seven things of marriage communication, kindness, commitment, cash management, the sex part and then the evaluations. You know those seven and you know it's easy to teach. But the number one on there has to be communication. Always talk at least 30 minutes a day, whether that's morning, evening, lunchtime, on the phones or whatever. And just how was your day? And listen to every story and how was your day.
Speaker 3:And you know, like with Julie and I learned the hard way. You know, ladies pretty much know the answer to their problems long before the man hears it. But men here we think immediately we got to start fixing it. Well, you need to do this and do that and do that. And finally Julie said, honey, I just want you to listen. I said what about you? She said I know all of that. I just want you to listen. I said all right. And then Heather picked that up as a teenage daughter. She'd talk and I'd give her all the solutions One day. She said put your hands on my face. She says, dad, I just want you to listen right now. Okay. I said okay, just all right, you know, and they'll start talking Uh-huh, oh, really, I'm sorry, you know, I don't offer a piece of advice. They hug me and say thanks for listening, dad.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're welcome.
Speaker 3:It was good advice.
Speaker 2:The ladies need to verbally process.
Speaker 1:I have seen that through the years with Matt and I, he, he wants to go into fix it mode for me. He wants to make my life easier, right? So I'll be venting to him about a problem and he'll be like well, I'm like, stop, stop, I know what to do, I know the steps. I just need you to. I need somebody to vent to right now. So we have been through that for sure.
Speaker 3:I gave two awful gifts to Julie in our marriage in 45 years. The first one was a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.
Speaker 1:It was a nice vacuum cleaner.
Speaker 3:And she opened it up and she says what's this? I said, oh honey, it's a Hoover vacuum cleaner. It's it up and she's what's this? I said, oh honey, it's a hoover vacuum cleaner. It's nice, it's gonna be. And I mean it was like, yeah, it's a vacuum cleaner. You know what, if I got you a shovel, would you be thrown with a shovel? I said, well, yeah, it was a good one.
Speaker 3:And then the other one was years later when we had the three kids and you know scheduling was really challenging. And she just man, I got too many things, I forgot this. I need to do that. And she has her calendar, still has a paper calendar and writes everything down on it. And one time I got her a really nice day timer, which your audience won't know what those are, but long, long ago, long before cell phones, we carried calendars around and you know you buy your monthly and all of that Anyway.
Speaker 3:So I give her a really nice day timer calendar to fit in her purse. She opens it up. She said day timer. I said, yeah, well, you were saying you're just having a hard time scheduling. Let me show you how. She said I know how to use a calendar and I said you don't like it. She said I guess I don't need your day timer. She said I'm just overwhelmed right now. I said you know, I realized you don't give your wives vacuum cleaners and day timers. You just listen and say oh man, I understand. Well, how can I help you? That's about it. You can help if you'll take these to school or pick these up.
Speaker 2:That's the best gift. When my husband says how can I help you? It's like romance gift. When my husband says, how can I?
Speaker 1:help you. It's like romance. Yes, take me away, exactly. I think the key here, though, robert and again, you, just you think it's so normal, and it's not always so normal in homes is that when you gave her the vacuum, she told you how much she didn't like it, and in some homes that doesn't happen, because they're like well, I don't want to step on his toes or I don't want to, but you've created a home where honesty reigns, like you can be, honest with each other and I think that's so important that a lot of people don't have that in their marriage, like if they get a gift they don't like, they can't just say thank you, but I don't love it.
Speaker 1:Get a gift they don't like, they can't just say thank you but I don't love it.
Speaker 2:But, you're a really good dad, wonderful man, I love my bar, thank you. Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, because you know we have to do the four compliments and one criticism, like you said, but you still can be honest and I think that's that's really important, that a lot of marriages maybe don't have.
Speaker 3:And it's tough, because honesty when it's going great is easy, but honesty when there's a mistake and we don't want to admit, we don't want to say I'm sorry, like I said in the last talk to your kids, when we don't admit we were wrong please forgive me, I screwed up, I'm sorry, let's start again. If you can't say that, you know you messed up. And then if the other one points it out, you know we blow up Because instead of saying you're right, we're now mad because they pointed out our fault. And I used to use this illustration when you go to the dentist and they're looking for a bad tooth, you know they tap, tap, nothing, tap, tap, nothing, tap, tap, nothing, tap, tap.
Speaker 1:And that's what marriage is.
Speaker 3:You know, most of it's okay, but when we tap on an exposed nerve or something, it blows up. Honesty is. And Julie, we used to have these conversations First time it ever happened. You know I get this. We sit down in the bedroom and she says and she says I pray the blood of jesus christ over this conversation. Lord, be with us and help speak through us. Amen, and I'm listening. You know, it's first time I've ever heard her say I just pray the blood of jesus over this conversation. I didn't even know we were going to talk about oh yeah, well, then it blows up and I go, whoa, next time the blood of jesus comes out, I'll know to brace myself. It's coming, robert.
Speaker 2:I said how come I?
Speaker 3:never prayed the blood of Jesus before these talks. It's always you, she said. You're a little stronger than I do.
Speaker 1:Because she's the one that has to point out Robert, you can't get another speeding ticket, we can't afford it.
Speaker 3:This is the honesty part and then just accepting you know we're different. You know there's things that I love to do. She doesn't really do it and there's things that she loves to do I don't really, you know, get into that. And I've told couples I said you know you don't have to both love doing the same thing all the time. You know it's okay to you, go do your thing, I'll go do my thing and we'll meet when it's over. And you know and that works. You know people talk about well, we should all do everything together. I don't know many couples any couples really that have lasted a long time, that it's always two of them doing everything all the time. What's that song we used to love?
Speaker 3:no-transcript by the guy that what's his name. Love is something that we do. Love is patient, love is kind, love is yours, love is mine. Love isn't something that we find, but it's something that we do. And then in that, one of the verses is you know, we let each other be who we are, but we come back together. Clint Black, thank you.
Speaker 1:That's the better half over there. There you go.
Speaker 3:For all you ladies watching this, you tell your husband you want to listen to a country song called Love is Something that you Do by Clint Black and watch his eyes go. How do you know about that song? It's beautiful, but it is just. It's one of those. Again, the title says it all. It's not something we have, it's something that we do. And, uh, you know the way you you let each other shine and do the things that they want to do, and a lot of things we do together but there's a lot of things we do separate. And, uh, when I, when I retired, I was working for mission india and going back and forth to india a lot, you know that's half, literally halfway the world and you know was traveling quite a bit. But someone said, well, doesn't mess with your marriage or life. And I said, you know what? I've traveled a lot in my life. And I said, julie and I have discovered if we can talk in the morning and in the evening. Wherever we are, everything is great and over in.
Speaker 3:India. You know it's 7 o'clock am here, 7 o'clock pm, but we'd always just have our 30-minute conversation. What'd you do today? Well, I haven't done anything yet. I just woke up. What'd?
Speaker 2:you do.
Speaker 3:Oh man, it's been a great day. It's just having that conversation and whether it's a text, a call, a FaceTime, a Zoom, you know being there. It's just that, staying in touch, most important thing on earth.
Speaker 2:If there's someone listening and they're thinking man, that sounds so good. My marriage is really struggling right now, Like really struggling. What's one piece of advice you would give to them?
Speaker 3:Make your husband watch this podcast. There you go. Ladies talk a lot and men listen and ladies need to learn. You know, when the husband's talking, listen with interest. And you know men need to learn when the lady is talking, you know, and I, well, we, she does her thing and I do mine. We get home, you know, and I just, jokingly, but seriously too, I say tell me about every meaningful conversation you had today. And she, just she says how was your day? Oh, it was great. And this you, just, you just share the days. You know you don't fix it, you don't say good or bad, you say man, that's awesome, you just you share your life together. And again, that's the conversation piece. You know, the commitment piece is for better or for worse, we're going to go through highs and lows. Everybody loves the richer and the healthier, but we tend to get discouraged in the poor and the sicker. So you just got to go through it together.
Speaker 3:You know this, past six months, you know, tore both of my quad tendons six months ago and I mean literally ripped them apart and was in the hospital and surgeries and she's been taking care of me. I was down here in my office, she got a hospital bed and all that after she got out of the rehab. But she was just awesome. I mean, she never complained. She came in, she put lotion on my legs when they got dried up and wrapped them up, put the braces on and off, and just I mean there was. Came in, she put lotion on my legs when they got dried up and wrapped them up, put the braces on and off, and just, I mean there was not one. And she's a nurturer. She always has been. I've just never needed the nurturing.
Speaker 3:But you know, the last six months I said, wow, now I see why everybody loves you so much. You're just so nice and kind. It's supposed to be like this. I said, yeah, everybody's supposed to. But I said you're just, you don't ever complain. She said, well, what's there to complain about? You need something. I'm here to help you. She said, yeah, I've needed it for, you know, 60 or 45 years. She said I'm glad to help, but you know, just, caring for each other, taking care of each other, meeting each other's needs, you it's, you know. The commitment thing says if I'm busted or dying of cancer, you know, or if you are, I'm here till death, do me part, you know I'll take you to your appointments, I'll do whatever I have to do, and you know again, vacations and the fun stuff are great, but when you're changing out dressings or wounds or infections and all that stuff, it gets hard. But that's love at its best.
Speaker 1:It's sacrifice for sure. One of the things I've always admired of both of you is she's always encouraging and cheerleading you on when she speaks. You know when she's by herself, and always when you preached you would just put her on a pedestal of her volunteering at the hospital and you know just saying all the amazing things about her, and I think that's so important to in a marriage. Again, it's that compliment thing. You're complimenting more than you're criticizing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I tell you where that's important, especially around parents or in-laws or other people you know, to brag on your spouse in front of you, know their parents and stuff, because you never know, maybe you do it by this time in marriage but maybe they're kind of beat up and shoved around verbally by mom or dad growing up. And then when you say he's the most wonderful thing, he does this or that, well, we didn't think it amount to anything. Well, he's amounted to the most wonderful husband on the earth. You know your husband is just. You know, with the wife. You know when it's well, she's just not pretty enough or good enough or doesn't care about herself or she doesn't apply herself. And then when the husband says I am so proud she does this and this and this, she is amazing, she's best at everything. And just sometimes you get those negative parents and you get to put them in their place by saying I don't know who you raised, but who I married is fantastic.
Speaker 2:Be each other's biggest cheerleader.
Speaker 3:I think that's a nice way to put it Such a blessing.
Speaker 3:You know, like I always said in my preaching and marriage thing, I said just if you'll praise your husband for what you want him to do, he'll start doing it. What do you mean? Praise him for doing it? Well, no, he's not. But if you tell him you get the trash out quicker than anybody else on the street, do yes, look at that. You're out at 5 o'clock in the evening. Nobody else is out. You know, pretty soon we rise to the level of our compliments. Oh, that's a good one.
Speaker 1:That is good. That's good for kids too.
Speaker 3:I'm writing it down. That's a good book, Mandy. We'll co-write that. You do all the writing, I'll write the review.
Speaker 1:I'm for it, I'm for it, it's going to have to be mostly your wisdom, and I'll come in with a little lines here and there, being thoughtful, and I think that you were raised in a home where you saw that modeled for you. That's what you said, but a lot of husbands haven't seen that modeled, and so I think that's again where they have to rewrite who they want to model in a marriage and rewrite that what unhealthy looks like.
Speaker 3:I would say this to all of you watching that you know you have to sit down, you know, on a piece of paper and just do the line and just say what did my mother or father do right and what did they do not quite so right? You know, and all things. Brought coffee in bed and listened and talked and you know, made them first. Whatever they did right, copy that in your marriage. Then, whatever they didn't do quite so right or did wrong, just say you know I'm not going to say be or do that in my marriage. I mean you can stop.
Speaker 3:And the Bible talks about generational curses and a lot of that is environmental because you see it, and if you see your dad acting like a jerk and you see grandpa acting like a jerk with grandma, you know you just figure. I guess that's the way guys are, we're all a bunch of jerks. But you can say you know that's wrong and that's wrong. But you know I'm a new man in Christ and so that stops with me and I'm going to start this. And if you don't know what a good example is, a lot of good marriage books out there and again, just read them, highlight them and write down the bullet points and put it into practice.
Speaker 1:You said one of the points in your book is financial something and I'd love for you to speak into that, because I do think that divides a lot of marriages the fight over finances. So tell us some of your talking points there.
Speaker 3:Okay, usually the early divorces seven, eight, nine years. It's either money or sex. Usually money, you know because you got kids to a mortgage, car insurance and you're both working full time and there's still not enough money to make ends meet. So every two weeks the bills roll in, you have a knockdown, drag out, fight about who's spending too much, and all that. The way you solve that, I mean you learn to manage your money. Dave Ramsey probably the best guy going right now Dave Ramsey and Susie Orman and a few others. They just write practical common sense stuff that we should have been taught in high school but we never were. So until you have the financial mess, then you have to study to get out of it. But finances some of the mantras that I always live by is live beneath your means. Pay your credit cards off every month. Your checking account is your scorecard. It should be higher every month and not lower. And if you're struggling every two weeks, then you sit down and say, okay, we need to sell the house, sell the cars, downsize something. We're all so upwardly mobile we think, well, you know, we got to do this and do that. You're my brother, my sister, my in-laws. They're all doing this and that. And if you live beneath your means, then you have all the money to do what you need to do and eventually you'll have all the money for the things you want to do. What did Dave Ranz? How did he put it? If you live the way nobody else is living now, then you can live. You know, the way nobody else is living, you know, in the future. Proverbs 13,. That's my.
Speaker 3:Whenever I preach on money, that's my go-to chapter. I think there's four or five lessons. One of them person who appears to be wealthy but is actually poor. And person who appears to be poor but is actually wealthy. And years ago. Nobody knows it now, but Sam Walton started Walmart and Sam's and all that. Richest man in America, driving an old truck in Bentonville, arkansas. Richest man in America, warren Buffett's. The same way, you know, been living in the same house since like 1955. But the money, that's just their business. It's not who they are. And if you stop trying to impress everybody, if your car works and every, don't get a new one just because you need a new one, your house, you know. If you can live in a smaller house, do it. Everything's cheaper, lower that. So live beneath your means uh, don't try to impress people with your wealth, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3:A book that I read that meant a lot to me was called the millionaire next door yeah, years ago. But it's talking about the plumber, the electrician, the you know store owner down the street. Just regular people did their business, save their money, stayed in the same house, you know moderate vacations andations and stuff. And then one day you know they're off. You know seeing the world because they just didn't save it and save it and save it. And that was back in the 80s when everybody was borrowing. You know all they could to live like. You know they were kings and queens.
Speaker 3:Second verse on there says money from get rich quick schemesquick schemes flies away quickly. But he who makes his money grow little by little becomes wealthy. And my illustrations on that is take your time value of money calculator. We all have one thing If I put $100 in my brokerage account today and every month from now on I buy the S&P 500 or the cube, which average right now the cube is averaging like 13 and a half percent a year. But $100 every month buying the cube, letting it ride, in 40 years you'll have millions of dollars. If you start that when you're 20, when you're 60, you've got millions of dollars. And I love teaching this to high schoolers and middle schoolers because when you do the numbers in there it says your future value is boom. And they look at it $2.1 million. No way it works. It's the miracle of compounding interest. I said, but you got to start now. And then I tell them and when you're 35 or 40 and it's $700,000, you leave it alone, you let it ride. And they what do you mean? I said, well, you're going to see all that money and think we can do this and that, but as soon as you do it, that 2 million flies away. And I said let it grow, leave it alone, borrow against it if you have to, but don't you touch it, let it alone. Put it in a Roth IRA.
Speaker 3:And they always say what's a Roth IRA? Government is giving you the chance to make your retirement. If you make I think the number's less than $150,000 a year, you pay your taxes and then you put your $100,000 or $500,000 in the brokerage account and you go from $500,000 to $2,000,000 or $3,000,000 when you retire and it's tax free because you already paid tax on it. It's after tax money, which is wonderful, because if you don't do that, then when you get to the end, now they start taxing you. Government wants your money. So they've said, if you're smart, you can have the Roth IRA, do your own thing. If you're dumb, you just keep saving and when it gets to the end we'll collect our taxes. We'd rather get your taxes on 5 million than on 500,000 or 500. And people always get this Well, the stock market's risky. I said no, it's not. Yes, it is. The stock market crashed. What about an 08 and all that? And you were at CBC in 08 when all that happened.
Speaker 3:I told the church. I said look, do not touch your retirement. If you were smart enough to get out before, the church I said look, do not touch your retirement. If you were smart enough to get out before the crash, good for you. Wait till it bottoms out and then jump back in. If you weren't smart enough to get out at the top, be smart enough to stay in at the bottom, I said, because every crash, within six to nine months it's right back to where it was. And I preached it hard because I've seen so many people that you know all the market's risky and they lose it all. They sell it and never go back in because they say I lost it all. You lost it all because you sold it. You know you didn't lose it because it went down, you lost it because you got out. And unless you're a real estate or all of that, but the stock market's the easiest thing to, I mean you can buy it today and sell it tomorrow. But I also said this I said look, if Walmart and AT&T and Exxon Mobil and Target and all your favorite restaurants, if they all go out of business, whatever money you have is worthless anyway, because whatever happened has destroyed everybody. So I said stay in the market and don't have to be smart, don't time it, don't figure this and that, buy a little spy the S&P 500, spy is the ETF or that. But I always said buy a little spy with every paycheck and in 40 years you'll be amazed at how much money is waiting for you when you retire.
Speaker 3:And my grandsons, I told them, I said I will match dollar for dollar, whatever you put in your brokerage account. I said, as long as you're going to tell me, give me five reasons why you're buying a stock and why you're buying it. You have five reasons why you're buying it. I said, but you have to leave it fully invested and you can't touch it. You know, and one grandson's an entrepreneur, so he, so he, I mean he's like this with everything. The other one, I said the east coast, the grandson is the entrepreneur. The west coast grandson is the banker. You know he's calling me every month hey, pops, I'm putting 300 in and I'm buying this. I'm buying chipotle this month because they're about to split 60 to 1 and it's a great company and I like eating there and so does everybody else. I said well, you did your homework, so I've sent $300.
Speaker 3:And I told him I said you're doubling your money with a phone call to Pops. You know I'm putting $10 in. Okay, here's $10 to match it. You just doubled your money. But I said you've got to leave it, just teach him financial sense.
Speaker 3:And I said you want to be a finance guy when you get older and he's, you know, junior in high school. He said no, I really want to teach high school math. He said you know finance and I love making the money you know on the side. But he said I really love, you know teaching and I'm good at math and I just would love to be in a classroom and talking to students every day. So part of my message is find something you love to do and do it and enjoy it and then take about 10% of that and let it ride in the market and just leave it alone.
Speaker 3:I said I promise you it doesn't matter if you're a preacher or teacher or doctor or lawyer, if you'll do it when you get to the 45, 55, 60 years old. You know there's that, there's a Fidelity had that commercial. You know about the number. What's your number? You know when you hit that point. Yes, and that is the coolest moment when you've done what you're supposed to do. You know you paid the price. You live below your standard, you stayed in Motel 6 instead of the nicer places and then you get to that point and you go. You know that.
Speaker 1:You know that's our number. We're there. You know we can keep on working or we cannot. It's a neat feeling. I remember when you were pastoring and you talked about when you and Julie first were. You lived on rice and beans right, rice and beans in the beginning of every marriage, and I think every marriage needs to go through that quite honestly. But now you're at the point here you are 45 years and you're going on a cruise. You have graduated from rice and beans.
Speaker 3:Our hobby today is eating out. It's an expensive hobby, but people said you go out at dinner. I said no, we don't do dinner. It's too hard to go to sleep after a great meal. We do lunch.
Speaker 2:And it's cheaper at lunch.
Speaker 3:Oh, it is.
Speaker 2:I think, speaking to the fact that you said, you know that seven to 10 year mark is a lot of times divorce happens because of money, and that's one of your principles in your book. I think it's because of what you said. Most people, most of us, didn't learn this information about the power of compound interest and budgeting and all those things, until we get deep into debt in marriage and two people are trying to figure out how to make it all work with that strain and stress. So you're absolutely right Educating yourself, finding someone who knows about these things, changing the course of the ship. Even though it's hard maybe you got to go back to the rice and beans for a while it's worth it and then you can get on the same page you know and you're not battling over it.
Speaker 3:See, I was 22. Julie was 21. We moved to Weatherford. I was in seminary working three jobs to make ends meet and you know I had a degree in economics and but didn't have financial sense I guess 24, we moved out there.
Speaker 3:Christopher was a baby and I went downtown and there was an Edward D Jones office Now they just call him Edward Jones, but you know it was a brokerage office like a Fidelity or TD Ameritrade and everybody else. It was a nice young guy, jeff Comer was his name, and I went in and said hi and he was a little you know about my age, a little older, and you know we were talking about mutual funds and loads and no loads and all that. And I started asking him about this stuff and I said well, teach me what I don't know. And he turns around and he hands me a book called the Power of Money Dynamics by Vanita Van Caspel, about that thick, and he said read that and then come back and let's talk. And I went home, I started reading it. It's like the rule of sevens and compounding interest and loads and no loads and management fees. It was everything that you should know about money when you're 25 years old. Then I started investing. He was a wonderful guy. I don't know where he is now, but that book opened my eyes to. You know, gosh, I'm a poor preacher. You know 24, 25. But if I do that $100 down and $100 a month or $200, do whatever the government allows you. You know 403B for nonprofits, your 401K for profits and Roth IRAs. But read that. Vanita Van Casp. It's an old one, but Susie Orman tells you the same thing, dave Ramsey does. They all tell you the same stuff. It's just there's about that much financial knowledge out there and most people don't have it. But if you will buy the book, read it, go to a class, go to a seminar, learn that Not a sales pitch, not where they're trying to get you to buy this product and that. Just look, these are the facts of money. And then, if you put it into practice, it works. It really works.
Speaker 3:And we were with Julie and I I think you all heard it too. The kids were little and we were doing the best we could, but I kept showing her once a year. I said doing the best we could, but I kept showing her once a year. I said here's where we're going to be when we're 60. And she gave me the lecture one time.
Speaker 3:She wasn't very excited and I said do you see that? She said I see it. I said you're not excited. She said, well, what's the point of having all that money then when our kids are growing up now and we need it? That's what he means. She said know, nike shoes are not cheap, but that's, you know, the shoe you get. You know we're staying in motel sixes. Couldn't we upgrade a one or two? And that, and it was, I mean, for me it was a slap in the face. It's kind of like look where we're going to be in 40 years and she says, great, but what about where we're at right now? So you know, I tweaked the budget a little bit and changed it around, started, you know, doing a little extra stuff, and you know. So there's that balance there. You don't want to be just dirt poor and miserable because in 40 years you're going to be okay.
Speaker 2:You got to balance it. Listening to each other, yeah, and balancing it. The power of money.
Speaker 3:I mean it's, I think it's a $6,000 a year or something. For the Roth IRAs, $500 a month. And you go, I don't have. I get teenagers. I don't have any. You know I can't make $100 a month. You can't Well, can you get a job? Yeah, how much does that pay you at $15 an hour? And how many hours are you going to work? And they said you know 20 hours a week. I said okay, so you're making 20 times 15. How much is that? They go, it's 300 a week. I said times four weeks and they go that's 1200. And I said you're telling me you can't take $100 out of 1200?
Speaker 3:I said you're a kid, you're at home, mom and dad are paying for everything. You ought to be having fun with 10, giving 10 to the lord, and then invest in 80 of the shane's church and heather in california and they're an inner city church and you know a lot of the half-off morning citizens of the us, but lovely people, and I preached this there and there's a bunch of teenagers sitting there, like 10 or 15 of them, and I gave that you know 15 an hour and do that. I said let me do the math on this. I put it on the screen. I said if you 10 teenagers started right now at 16, and you did what I'm talking about and you get mow yards, babysit, clean houses, you do whatever it takes, but you're putting two or 300 in a month while you're in school and you get out, I said, and then you do the max.
Speaker 3:I said in 30 years. I said you guys are going to be 45 years old and you will all be worth about $7 million a piece. I said that's $70 million. If the 10 of you just get together, you could buy Escondido California. You can do whatever you want. I said it starts today. Open your brokerage account, put a little money in there and just commit to put as much as you possibly can for the next 40 years so you won't worry about retirement or Social Security or Medicare or anything. You take care of yourself.
Speaker 1:One of the best things that Matt and I did when we first got married was go through a Dave Ramsey course at our church, and then I loved your just simple teachings when you would say 80, 10, 10, you know, live off 80, give 10 and invest 10.
Speaker 1:And that's what we did. For a young, you know, we combined Ramsey and that little advice, and when we were younger, that's what we did. And the other thing that you would always say that I thought was so wise, robert, you would say make sure you understand every investment before you put it in. And Matt and I would. I don't know how many times we've repeated that to each other over the years. Well, robert said, and we would dive into it.
Speaker 1:We would dive into it before we would go in and invest it to make sure we understand exactly how it worked. But I think what really helped our marriage is we did all that together, we figured it out together and just like when you said, Julie was like well, can we not stay at a Motel 6? Like you listened and there's a balance there of learning that together and I think that's really important.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we always, I always preach you know, let the best money manager manage the money, but make sure everybody knows where it is and what it's doing. And you know she. I show her the accounts and all that stuff and passwords. And I said, in the unlikely event of my untimely death, here's who you call, here's what you do. I said you and Christopher, you know all of the top people on the accounts. I've already got it where it needs to be. I said it'll, you know, it'll take good care of everybody and a lot of others. So she just you're not going to die soon enough, I'm not. I said you know, I don't expect you to know the markets, but I said just just know where it is, who to call and how to get it.
Speaker 3:And you know our kids, all three of them. Chris Jonathan was in the financial world for a while. My daughter, heather, school teacher, but she's an investor. I taught them all investing when they were growing up. I said do whatever you love to do, but you know, be sure to invest on the side. You know, for your retirement, don't count on somebody else to take care of you when you're old. Take care of yourself.
Speaker 1:It's a skill to know and that we have to teach to our kids for sure.
Speaker 2:And it helps their marriage, you know, setting them up to have a healthy marriage.
Speaker 3:They both know it. You know my son-in-law. He didn't know anything about it, but I showed him Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad, poor Dad. I said read that. And he started, started. He said this is great. I said, yeah, it's. Remember, there's that block of financial knowledge and if you'll just jump in and learn that block, you don't have to be trading futures and commodities and all of that stuff, you don't be real estate bearer and just basic. Know a company that's growing and you know, trust it when it's up and down. That's what I tell people. I say as soon as you buy a stock tomorrow, it will go down. I promise you will buy it today and it'll go down tomorrow. You go, oh no, I said no, next paycheck, buy a little more of it, buy a little more of it. So if it's a good stock, good company, it'll come back Again. I've preached it to everybody, but very few do it. Everybody loves it, but very few do it.
Speaker 1:Well, any other advice you want to share with on this topic of marriage today, any last parting wisdom that we have not covered?
Speaker 3:Oh, the physical part. All the ladies' husbands will want me to cover this. So 1 Corinthians, chapter 7. Go read it. Fantastic chapter. Basically it says meet each other's needs. Ladies have a certain type of need at certain times and men have a certain type at certain times. What the Bible says is you meet each other's needs. And my favorite story is President Carter, jimmy and Rosalind Carter. Years ago they were on Jay Leno the late show and Viagra had just come out and Jay was asking President Carter about all this. He said so have you tried Viagra? And I mean, jimmy Carter, just you know, big old smile but just turned red and I'll never forget it. He was red as could, be embarrassed by the question. And he just smiles and he said we meet each other's needs and left it at that.
Speaker 3:And I thought what a classy answer. Well done, you're caught off guard. Meet each other's needs oh man, perfect. Meet each other's needs and you two will figure out what and when that is. So you know, it's a wonderful part of the marriage. But those are the seven Communication, kindness, commitment, cash management. Meet each other's needs. Check up on your marriage every year. How are we doing? I missed one in there. Anyway, get the buzzer book.
Speaker 2:The buzzer book, the fun picture.
Speaker 1:Can you get that on Amazon, Robert? Is it on?
Speaker 3:Amazon. They didn't move as fast as the other one did. So when I got rid of the last I fact when I've been in church I said they were like a dollar a piece. I said every book must go. So we got rid of it.
Speaker 1:But we don't have any. We can't even get the buzzard book.
Speaker 3:No, you cannot get the buzzard book. When I was looking at these notes for you this morning, I saw my notes on the marriage book, my happier marriage book. So I have a file with the original marriage book, you know, and just push a button, send it to you and then you can put it out there, use it for whatever good it'll do you. My name, my writing, my telling stories, christopher, when he was in Georgia, he used to hey Pop. Is it okay if I use this one? I said, chris, you can use whatever you remember from me and do not give me credit for it, cause I probably stole it from somebody else who stole it from somebody else who stole it from somebody else. So if we listen to him and I'm hearing Julie and I just that's my story. That's why I say that.
Speaker 2:Taking all the credit for it. Oh, my goodness, yeah, I was going to say you have given so much wisdom to us for parenting, for our marriage and for life, and it's just such a blessing. And I know that our listeners are going to receive so much from hearing your wisdom today about marriage and we're so thankful you took the time.
Speaker 3:It's stuff that's been in my life. I've lived it. You find ladies and men who've lived stuff. Whatever you're dealing with, you probably do it. Just most of us. We remember the stuff that made a difference, you know, instead of giving lectures and all that stuff just one-liners. That's why podcasting is just off the charts, because it's just conversations. I love them. You know, I'd rather hear a podcast than an interview because it's kind of like wow, this is a regular person. Yes, I applaud you all for doing it and keep up the great work.
Speaker 1:Thanks for taking the time, Robert.
Speaker 3:Okay, y'all have a great day.
Speaker 1:This podcast is ad-free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit. Make a donation today at nexttalkorg this podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.