nextTalk
How do we keep our kids safe online? How do we protect our children in an overexposed, sexualized culture?
Join Mandy Majors (award-winning author of "TALK" and "Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World") for real conversations about the intersection of tech, culture and faith.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization keeping kids safe by creating a culture of open communication in families, churches and schools.
nextTalk
Live Podcast: Reclaim Your Family
At the end of a school year or after a difficult season in life, we often find ourselves crawling across the finish line. Screen time is at an all-time high, bedtimes are off, eating is unbalanced, and we feel like we’re trying to survive. This is the time to take a minute to evaluate your next steps. We'll share practical ideas to get you back on track and RECLAIM YOUR FAMILY. (This podcast was recorded live with listeners asking questions and sharing ideas in real-time)
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
Connect with us...
www.nextTalk.org
Facebook
Instagram
Contact Us...
admin@nextTalk.org
P.O. BOX 160111 San Antonio, TX 78280
Welcome to the nextTalk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.
Kim Elerick:It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.
Mandy Majors:Hello, this is Mandy and Kim. We are recording a live podcast today. We got people on this call with us.
Kim Elerick:So fun. I love doing this because it's like that energy of getting to hear questions and thoughts and ideas from someone other than you, Mandy.
Mandy Majors:I know I get boring.
Kim Elerick:My voice is so annoying sometimes.
Mandy Majors:I will listen back to the podcast and I'm like, oh, it's awful, like change my voice, change it.
Kim Elerick:No, no. It's just great to hear from families and parents who are going through the same things that we do.
Mandy Majors:Yeah, yeah, I love it. This is one of my favorite things at events is getting fielding questions and that kind of thing and interacting with parents. So I'm glad that we get to do it on the podcast sometimes and I want to continue to do more of it. Ok, so, kim, the title today is Reclaim your Family.
Kim Elerick:I love this title because we all want to reclaim our family from this crazy world, and schedules and screens Well and.
Mandy Majors:I feel like, if your family is like my family, like at the end of the school year, we are all in a bad healthy like. It's just not healthy at all. It's a bad pattern of screens because we've been exhausted and when we do have downtime we don't want to go outdoors, we don't want to do anything, we just want to lay on the couch and watch a movie or be on our phone or whatever, because we're just, it's the end of the year and we're done.
Kim Elerick:We're depleted. You start the year out strong and you have all these goals and you have an organization in your home and plans and schedules, and by the end of the year that's all out the window and you're just trying to like crawl through the door at night and feed your people and survive. And then suddenly it's all over. The school year ends and we're like, okay, what now? And I know in our family we just need a minute. We that first week, which is the week we're in right now, we don't really have many parameters. It's like just recoup, lay around, watch 700 episodes of your favorite show probably not eat that great and snuggle on the couch and that's pretty much it. Those are our goals for the first week. And then things start to change.
Mandy Majors:I think that's a very good point and I missed this for many years. Like school would get out and the next day I'm like goal setting and my kids are done. They're like I'm not ready for that yet, I'm not in that space. So I think this is very, very wise to say give yourself a minute, and so that may be a week of no parameters. We are in that same week and my kids are playing a lot. It's so funny.
Mandy Majors:They played Minecraft when they were little. Then they didn't play Minecraft at all when they're teenagers, you know, when they got older. And now they're 16 and 20 and they're playing Minecraft again with each other, like it's a whole thing. They'll get on with their youth group and play Minecraft together, but I love it, right. But we've had no parameters because it's like everybody's just done and, honestly, what I have learned when I have done that is they start to feel kind of gross, like they've been on screens, we're not eating healthy. I mean, my son came to me the other day and he's like okay, I'm going to apply for a job, I'm going to do this, it's time for me to do all. And he did that all on his own because I had just given him some time to like feel the yuckiness of just screens all day.
Kim Elerick:It's just like that gross factor we've all felt when we don't eat well, like at first, you're like this is so good, so good.
Kim Elerick:And then after like a week of eating like chocolate and potato chips, you're like I'm so gross, I just I'm going to start exercising. It's the same thing with our kids and you can see it with them. So if you just kind of let them play game, eat whatever for a few days, you'll start to see them kind of wander into the kitchen. Hey, are we going to do something today? Like do we have a plan? And that helps with that conversation. Like our conversation happens this weekend where we shift and we say, okay, we've had a minute, everybody's gross. What are we going to do this summer? And we start a whole new path of what summer looks like, with some parameters.
Mandy Majors:Yeah, yeah, and I think that conversation one of the best things is talking about. Like we always do this at the beginning of summer, once we've had a minute, is we go back to our New Year's goals. How are we doing on that? You know it's the midway point, Are they the same? Has anything changed? If you wanted to read so many books, how many books are you in? It just reminds them. I started this new year with all of these goals and I was so excited and then I fell off. So now here's an opportunity for me to get back in the groove again of achieving some of these goals. I think goal setting is so huge in keeping our kids focused. So, for example, like my 16 year old, you know he knows. He knows that when he gets to college in two years, he's going to have a portion that he's going to have to pay, just like we did with our daughter, and it's a small amount, but it's skin in the game. You got to have some goals here.
Kim Elerick:Committed to it.
Mandy Majors:Yes, that you're not just wasting and it's not party time here on a very expensive budget. And so he's like I already want to start saving now because I don't want to get to my senior year and I have to work a lot. So if I spread it out now like he's even thinking about that because he knows in two years he's going to have to pay someone, his college and so just keeping them looking ahead. We have a, we have a girl on our team and she said keep your kid looking ahead two to five years and that is so important as they get older with those goals.
Kim Elerick:Yeah, and the goals can look different for different ages. Start them when they're young. When my kids were little, we had more like book reading goals, chore goals, like little things teaching them how to remove the silverware from the dishwasher. You can start with small goals bedtime goals I will brush my teeth without being asked like little things and then as they get older, you of course increase those goals to different types of things that are age appropriate. And then as they get into their tweens and teens, then it's like money-based goals on a lot of things and work-based goals and goals on education and relationships. And so it grows with your kid. But if you start that foundation young and they know what it looks like to set a goal and work to achieve it, man, that is such a gift for them because then it's already ingrained in them. They know what that looks like and how to do it.
Mandy Majors:And this, this tip, kind of goes along too with goals is just have them do a summer bucket list. When my kids were little, they would draw and you know all the things, that what they want to accomplish within these three months and it just, you know, go to the beach, paint a rock, you know, I just remember these were goals. And I do remember at the end of summer, when my kids were little, if they hadn't reached all their summer bucket list, we were doing all these activities because they wanted to, like you know, and so it just gets them thinking about other things other than screens. That's the whole point of this goal summer bucket list, all the things. What are some other activities that I want to do?
Mandy Majors:The other thing I like to do with my kids, too, is I like to walk them through. Where do you want to be in three months? Right, my son is an athlete, okay, so what are your, what are your athletic goals in three months? What do you want to do? And then that keeps him focused on, you know, working out, practicing, like all of that stuff through the summer, where he may not have as much discipline, as far as you know, at school every day and practice every night, but he has to regulate his discipline a little bit more in the summer, which is great skill for them and also kind of in that same vein.
Kim Elerick:A lot of times during the school year you know you have school, maybe your kids play sports or on the debate team or they're in a certain club, maybe they do 4-H, whatever it is, but typically there's a lot going on and there's not a lot of time for just hobbies, and I always feel like the summer is a great time to lean into those hobbies. If your kid loves, you know, doing Legos, or maybe they've always wanted to do more horseback riding or whatever it might be, it's such a good time to spend some money and energy on investing in your kid and time maybe doing it with them and let them lean more into those hobbies, because now they've got all this time and so sometimes you have to remind them what they like outside of screens and school and friends Like remember you, you like to draw, and let's go get some new drawing stuff and give them the time and the encouragement to lean into those hobbies during the summer. My kids always do that and it's always been a good thing.
Mandy Majors:One of the things, too, that specifically with, like parenting, the screens in the summertime, one of the things you know. When they're younger, of course, you're kind of regulating way more, like you get two hours a day or whatever. It is Right, you're regulating that. When they get older, you want them to self-regulate, you want them to try and figure it out, and so they may fail a little bit. Let them fail and then talk about what it feels like. Okay, you gamed for eight hours yesterday. How was your attitude? How was your? You know like, how are you feeling? Again, it's letting them feel all the things. How are you feeling? Again, it's letting them feel all the things.
Mandy Majors:But one thing that has worked so well across all the years, even when they were young or old, is to have a beginning time and an end time of screens every day, and what I mean by that it doesn't have to be a specific like 6 am or whatever, because your schedule is going to vary how I would say it was hey, the first thing that you get up in the morning, you shouldn't just be running to a screen. So, eat breakfast, say good morning. When they were little, they would crawl in bed with us for 10 minutes or whatever, and it doesn't have to be this big old thing. But just making them aware, screens aren't the first thing you're running through too. That prevents them also from waking up at 5am and not talking to anybody and just starting playing Xbox. Like you know, we just we don't. We want to create some boundaries. And then the other thing is having an end time every day, and so now this will look different by the ages, and so, for example, I have teenagers, so it may be 1am, but I know when they're, when they're going to bed, the phones are going in the kitchen.
Mandy Majors:And well, for my 16-year-old not for my 20-year-old, because she's independent, she lives out of the house, so she has her phone at night, obviously. But my 16-year-old, I know that he's going to put his phone on the kitchen island, even if it's at 1 am, because he has a set time every night where he puts that up. And then he realizes I have to go to bed and sleep, and I think that's very, very important, because even during the summer, kids need sleep time. I know a lot of times we preach to them during the school year you have to have sleep, because you're in class all day you have to keep your grades up, they still need sleep. Our bodies, our human bodies, need sleep. So having a beginning and end time every day for screens is very, very important, no matter what age.
Kim Elerick:And it's also, you know, having these conversations, like, let's say, we are on this weekend, it's a good time to circle back, depending on the age of your kids, on some of your guidelines for screens, like you know, phones in bedrooms or bathrooms, just whatever your family rules are, just integrate them in that conversation and then, like, let's talk about a start and end time every day, now that we're in the summer. Another thing that is super important for responsibility and also to help mom and dad and to give your kids something that's not on a screen, is chores, and now we do them during the school year. Yes, but their main job during the school year is to be a student, and so we have less chores. During the summer we ramp that up because they've got all this time, and so we give them a list of chores and when they need to be completed by you know certain times of day, in the morning, they make their beds. You know it's not right before bed. I'm going to make my bed because that's my chore.
Kim Elerick:It needs to be logical, it needs to be helpful. That's what we tell the kids. You live under this roof, you're part of this family. You need to be helpful and pour into it just as much as we do, in an age appropriate way. And so having some chores even when they're little, and then you know, of course, mowing the lawn and all the bigger chores when they get older. And in that same conversation I like to invite my kids into some of the things that are my duty, like I'm the cook in the family, and so every few nights I'll choose one of my kids. I'll be like hey, can you help me chop this? Or or hey, can you stir this pot for me? And a lot of times that creates conversation. It gets them off the screen. We get to stand together for a little bit and so invite them into what you're doing planting flowers for the season outside in the yard and that can also get them off the screen.
Mandy Majors:And give you some quality time. Well, kim, I love how you're saying this, because I mean, you've got younger kids and this is so good that you're bringing them in, even though you may be still doing the main chore With my older kids, like I literally am like, okay, you got dinner tonight, I'll clean up. You know, like they're in charge of the whole dinner, of planning the whole dinner, and you can move into that space as they get older. And so I love summertime because I hate emptying the dishwasher and that's kind of my chore because nobody in my family really does it. Right, if I'm going to be on there's our type A girls.
Mandy Majors:But at this summertime there's something that switches in my brain and I'm like I am not unloading another dishwasher until they go back to school, and so it can be that I don't even care if dishes are broken. I don't care what's happening over there.
Kim Elerick:But I'm the worst. I like stuff them in and my husband's dying. So that's why, when I go to your house, I will promise not to do dishes for you.
Mandy Majors:Yeah, yeah so. But my kids do? You know it's just one extra chore that they don't do during the school year Cause they're so busy. I mean, my 20 year old lives out of the house now, but my 16 year old he's so busy with basketball, his, his you know homework and that kind of thing and so I let him focus on that. He still puts away his laundry, he still helps me.
Mandy Majors:You know, pick up my whole thing is the main area of the house. You have to pick up your stuff. Your room can be a mess. I'm like I don't care. You know you got to clean it every now and then, but the main area. You better not be leaving your stuff all over my kitchen counter because we are going to have some birds, right. But you know, in the they they still do basic stuff through the school year but the summer we, we increase because they have more time.
Mandy Majors:Other things too, like sometimes stuff that I'll pay for, that I may not pay for anybody else to come in and do in the house during the summer and I'll ask my kids do you want to do that? And I'll pay you so that they can make money. But you have to do it right, I'm going to be picky, and if you don't do it right, then I'm going to hire this other person to come in for that. So that may be lawn mowing, that may be house cleaning, that kind of stuff where you may have people you know that outside of your home, that you're paying to come in and help you with those things. So all kinds of ways to engage your kids, so they're not just sitting around and it's a free for all all summer.
Kim Elerick:Well, and every kid has something that they want or want to do and having that conversation and you can this can be kind of a part of that goal conversation. Writing those out, like I want this new Nike shirts $35 or I want this new bicycle or whatever it might be. I want to go to get six flags passes. You can write those out, and in our house that's what we do, and I will assign chores that have value to them, specific value, and I'll say, okay, this is how much. That shirt is $35. You do these five chores, I'll give you $5 for each one, we'll go get the shirt, and so that also helps them learn how to budget their time and their money. And again, it gets them off of a screen and they're doing something productive and working towards a goal of something they want.
Mandy Majors:If you're taking a trip, they can start planning, researching. Now I know they may be on a screen for that, but it still gets them actively thinking right. We watch YouTubes together of places we're going to go visit this summer and we start talking about where do we want to eat all of that? And so that doesn't all need to fall on mom and dad. And the older they get, the more your kids can just take this and do their own thing and say this is what we're doing on vacation or this is what we're going to do when we go visit those places. So just engaging them is so important in just the everyday and I think sometimes we just want to get it done and we don't. I mean, that's the rut that I've fallen into. Sometimes it takes more time. It takes more time. It takes me two hours to have a discussion with the whole family about this vacation, rather than I'll just plan it and tell them what we're doing, cause they'll just do it Right.
Mandy Majors:They don't care, but it's worth it. And then you really start talking about your trips or whatever. And then the trips are better because everybody's expectation is on the same level, because you've had all these conversations before, so again, just bringing them into the everyday conversation, everyday conversation.
Kim Elerick:One more thing I want to say about that the everyday conversation and bringing them in and this is something if you've listened to our podcast or followed us at all, you've heard us say a lot is looking in the mirror. I want to say to my kids, like you need to exercise an hour a day. You know you need to eat healthy, even during the summer. You've got to have balance. You need to get off your screen, do some yard work, you know whatever. And then, like, I'm sitting on the couch on my phone on a screen eating chips.
Kim Elerick:So looking in the mirror is an important part of this process, in the summertime too, in year round, of just saying, okay, maybe I need to lead this for my kids. If they're not seeing me do it, why in the world would they think it's important? So, after dinner, let's put on our shoes and let's go for a walk. You know, get out there with the kids in the pool, like, get in the pool, put on your swimsuit even if it's a modest one, because you're uncomfortable, whatever just get in the pool with your kids, let them see you do the things that you're asking them to do. Hit the gym, you know, whatever it might be that you're seeing in your kid that needs improvement. You show them how to do it. Look in the mirror, realize that we are a good example for them and include yourself. Include yourself and get them out of the house.
Mandy Majors:Well, the look in the mirror moment, too, is really good when you have this first initial conversation about goal setting. I don't know how many times when we have those conversations that I will lead it by saying I'm failing miserably of my phone use and I will literally say that to my kids, like I have been on Facebook or Instagram way too much and I need to do better. And so, again, you're leading by example. Confess to your kids, if you need to, if you haven't been engaging with them or having conversations with them because you're overwhelmed at work and then when you come home you're on your screen, admit that to them, apologize that and be like we need to rewrite our family story here right now, because this is not who we are.
Mandy Majors:It's been a hard season the last six months. I've been really busy at work, but things have got to change because you guys are my priority. This is about reclaiming our family and rewriting how we're doing things, because we're all I mean all of us are doing something wrong, right, and so really looking in the mirror and figuring that out and having that as a family conversation. I just think it's so good and it's so good for our kids to see that we're not perfect and we're growing too, and then it gives them room to admit when they're wrong or that they've messed up or that they're struggling right.
Kim Elerick:It's just that vulnerability piece that is really important it is the transparency invites them into what real life looks like. They're going to be an adult one day and for them to be like. Well, mom said she struggled, so it's okay, but what now? And going through that process with them when they're young is very valuable.
Kim Elerick:Two of my favorite things during the summer and this is kind of the last two things I want to share that are so important is we have a little more time to spend in the Word together. So we'll choose something like using the Bible app. Maybe we'll choose a Bible study together, and every night maybe for 10 minutes, or maybe once a week on Sundays, you know, after church or even before church if we go to late church we'll choose a night where we just talk as a family. What did this verse mean to you? What do you think about it? How are you going to apply it to your life, kind of thing. And that's always a special time every summer because we have time to do it and have the conversation. And then the other thing that I want to mention is be the parent that does the things which this requires a lot Because, honestly, sometimes I don't want to do the things which this requires a lot because honestly, sometimes I don't want to do the things.
Kim Elerick:But what I promise to my kids, I say, unless someone's sick or something comes up, we'll try to do two times a week you choose two activities that you want to have friends over or have friends join us to do, and I'll commit to that, you know. And even sometimes I'll bring a backpack and I'll tell all the kids put your phones in the backpack. We're going to go ride the rides at Six Flags or we're going to go do this thing and see whatever it might be. Maybe they're just all coming over to hang out at the pool. I'm giving my kids that time so that they're off of a screen. I'm committing myself to do the rides, the pickups, the snacks so that they can engage in face-to-face relationships, and so that's another one of my. Those two things are some of my favorite for the summer.
Mandy Majors:Yeah, a couple couple other things that I have, like if your kid is away at a camp I know my kids go away like on a mission trip and they don't have their phones. Anytime they're off of their phones when they enter back into real world. That's a great way to have the conversation. How did you feel not being on a screen? Never once has my kid said it was awful. I want to go back on a screen. Always it has been wow. I didn't realize how much time I was spending on Snapchat or I didn't realize how much. Whatever you guys, that is a parenting win. Anytime your kid can recognize that they're not being healthy on a screen, that's a win. Because if we're just preaching to them get off of that like you're unhealthy, we're just lecturing it's not going to work. They have to feel the pain and see it for themselves and then they will be an advocate for themselves to create a healthy, balanced screen. So if your kid is going away this year to a camp where they don't have a phone or something like that, be ready Now, the first day. They're probably gonna be exhausted. They may not be ready to talk, but find a time when they get back to where you can say how did you feel without a screen, what did you think and hear what the process that they went through? You'll really get a good glimpse of in your mind, of how your kid views screens and how they're managing it, by having those conversations.
Mandy Majors:The other thing I wanted to say was you know we've done a lot of shows on screen addiction and that kind of thing, and you know we don't love to use the word addiction because we feel like it's overused and so sometimes we tell parents like use the word struggle or stronghold, because most screens, most of us, have a struggle with screens. Like that's normal, I think, in our world to have a struggle or a stronghold. You know your screens have a stronghold over you, but what we always want to do is be able to recognize when that gets really bad and be able to stop it before it becomes an addiction. So we're constantly in my home talking about what addiction is and that sort of thing. Like we've watched my kids and I years ago we watched a Dateline documentary or 2020, I don't know what it was, but it was a documentary on an older guy who would come home. He was a very. He went to college, he had a great education. He would work his job, he would come home and then his wife and all of his kids would be upstairs and he would game all night downstairs. He was literally addicted to gaming. And so we still refer back to that.
Mandy Majors:And I tell you that because we always want our kids to be aware of screen addiction, but we never want to be accusatory to them that they're addicted, right, we don't want to just put that label on them, but we also want to raise awareness that any of us, any of us, could go into this space where we're addicted. I mean, when your kids get older and you're talking to them about alcohol, it's just like alcohol, right, any of us have the ability to move into this space where alcohol could ruin our lives. But some people can do it in moderation, just like we're trying to have this moderate, healthy screen balance over here. And so you're constantly talking to them about that.
Mandy Majors:And I'm saying this because on our sexual abuse series, one of our counselors said the word aversion, and that was a long way to get to this point, but she said the word aversion and one of the things we saw in our sexual abuse series is, most of the time pornography played a role before a kid was abused, the time pornography played a role before a kid was abused. And so when she said we need to teach our kids to be aversion, have an aversion to pornography, that word has stuck in my mind. We have to teach our kids to have an aversion to screen addiction. We have to have them know that that's a place we can't go to, and so we should constantly be talking about this healthy balance and trying to manage that.
Kim Elerick:Absolutely. It's such a good word and talking to your kids about that and explaining it and giving them examples and then that can apply to so many different things to have an aversion to it, so that they feel it it's not just like a knowledge, it's a feeling like, oh, I don't want that for my life. So, yeah, that's super, super important and all of these things. All of these things are tips that are doable and they're going to look different in everybody's home. You know you're going to talk to your kids different than I am. The chores, the goals, the activities all of that will look uniquely to your family. The point is to do it, to take the time to have the hard conversations, to have the fun conversations and to spend the time creating this culture in your home where the expectations are clear. You challenge your kid but you also enjoy them. This summer you get them back, you get time to have those good conversations so that you're able to really know your kid, so you're ready and refueled for the school year.
Mandy Majors:Reclaim your family and rewrite how you use screens. It's such a great time, and don't miss the opportunity to have all of these conversations.
Kim Elerick:Okay, Questions. If anybody has any questions or comments and it does not have to be about this show can be about anything. We are here for it.
Mandy Majors:We had one question emailed to us from a guest. Oh yes, can somebody read that? I don't have it up right now, but we we did have an email to us and I thought it was a really good question. If you want me to um, it was.
Mandy Majors:I have a bored teenager this summer. She's too young to work. Her idea is her idea of fun is her phone or shopping. How do I get her excited about being outdoors or doing other things? Thank you, I would say managing summer right before your teen is driving is the hardest summer to manage, quite honestly, because they're bored and they're at the age where some of the family activities are just not fun for them anymore.
Mandy Majors:They're just not. And so, again, I think goal setting would be good. If she loves to shop, maybe it's clean out your closet. You can do like a resale online. You can donate some of your stuff. Let's reorganize your closet, just getting her excited about some goals just to get her keep her active instead of just being on a screen all day. The other thing too, with teenagers, as I was going to say, is you know, I mean I have a 16 and 20 year old, so a lot of times we're not spending the whole day together. But I may say, hey, four to six, tonight we're going in the pool and then we're going to have dinner, and if I get them for two hours with just our family, like that's a win, that's a win. So lower your expectations too. I mean especially with your older kids who are driving you just got to. They're not going to want to spend all day with you.
Kim Elerick:And that's not. That's not anything that you're doing wrong, it's just their independence and they're growing up. Yeah, that's very true. My 14 year old is kind of in that space where wanting to be independent, but, you know, trying to manage that and the phone and all the different things, and one of the things that has helped specifically, he also likes to shop. So we'll pick something, like I mentioned before, like he wants a new shirt or whatever it is, and we'll set goals on how he can earn that money and that has helped him stay off of his screen. It's helped him work towards something he wants and giving him that goal that has really helped.
Kim Elerick:And I love your idea about cleaning out the closet, because that takes a lot of time and then it helps them to see what, what do I really need and what do I really want, and that that's like a whole day's thing cleaning out your closet and so that gives them a place to put their energy outside of a screen and then you can actually take them shopping not online.
Kim Elerick:There's a mall still it's, it's a real thing, it's, even though most of us haven't been there in years. Take them out for the day, say, let's go have lunch I'll take you shopping the money that you earned. You can pick out the things that you want. So find their currency, what they love to do, and find a way to pour into it, and then again you know if they want to be with friends or whatever. Make that happen, figure out times when that works around your schedule and make your house available or take them somewhere, and so finding it is again part of our job to pour into them and take time and it's a lot of work, but it sets that example in that tone that you matter and I care about what you care about, and let's figure out how to make it happen. Anyone else.
Mandy Majors:Okay, we got a question in the chat. Let me see this is a good one. How about addressing how to manage guidelines for screens when you have children with big age differences, how to keep the littles from sitting next to the big brother or sister and watching their gaming, or maybe things that might not be age appropriate for little one. It's a good question.
Kim Elerick:I can tell you what we do because we have, you know, a nine-year-old and a 14-year-old.
Kim Elerick:So there's always been a gap when the 12-year-old in between.
Kim Elerick:But that gap, especially Two things We've always had two different devices, and so and when I say devices I should just say TVs and be a normal person so we have two different TVs and so I have always included my son in being a part of keeping his younger siblings heart and mind healthy and safe, and so if he's going to choose to watch a show that he knows is not appropriate for them, he gets to be a part of, you know, parenting them in a way by saying I'm going to watch this show, can you guys go on the other screen, and that's always been our process. Or I will walk in and he'll say, Mom, I really want to watch this show, and I'll say, okay, let's go find something for the littles to watch, and so he's always kind of taking that on. And then now my 12 year old does it for the nine year old. He's modeled that for him and she now knows she'll just get up and go into the other room, and so we've kind of put it on them a little bit like be responsible and caring for each other and separate each other and give them the space to do that. You do have to train them to do that and teach them up to do that, but it is possible for sure.
Mandy Majors:Yeah, I was going to say Kim, I think this is something like if you've been doing it for a while, telling because because, like, you're in the car too, driving home from school with all the ages right, and so as soon as your older kid starts to say words or ask you questions in front of the younger ones, then that's a conversation and it, you know big kid doesn't get in trouble you just pull him or her to the bedroom and say hey, you, we need to protect the heart and mind of your little brothers and sisters. And so when you have those big questions, wait until you get home and then you and I can have the conversation, because you're more mature, you know these things, but we need to protect their heart and mind for a little bit longer, because they're not ready for that yet. And then there's this sense of responsibility that we're instilling in the older sibling to to protect the younger one. And then that way too, if you're, say, your older kid is gaming and you know playing, maybe it's Fortnite or something and you don't want your little kids saying seeing that yet because it is a little violent. You know, when they walk in and you're not there, the older sibling will take that on and be like, okay, I'm playing Fortnite right now, let's go find something else for you to do, or whatever, but I think that is really good, like instilling that in the older sibling. Yeah, yep, great question, great question.
Mandy Majors:And also two activities like you could pay your older one to maybe babysit your younger one and say no screens, you guys have to go do something on your summer bucket list, you know, anything like that, where they're engaging together. I think is really important. That sibling relationship is so sweet and you want to. You want to cultivate that as much as you can too. Anything else Okay, here's another one. Here's another one. Anything else Okay, here's another one. Here's another one. How can we help grandparents who may have more time with grandchildren during the summer? How do they create guidelines and keep the kids from just grabbing the iPad or phone or spending too much time on it, especially if guidelines are loose at home?
Kim Elerick:This is a real good one, well for us and, I think, for all families. The hard truth is it's a conversation. It's a conversation and, just like you're including your big kids and protecting the heart and mind of your little kids this is how you want to phrase it to the grandparents. If you go in, I can't believe you're letting them watch screens and this is not healthy for them and you've got to do better. No one likes to be talked to like that. Then you just feel attacked and you feel like you've done something terribly wrong.
Kim Elerick:So when you go, make it a conversation where you're explaining the why to the grandparents.
Kim Elerick:This is what's happening in our world right now and I don't know if you know it. I had to learn it and it is something we really want to parent differently in our home and that's why we have these guidelines. Explain the guidelines in your household, why you do them, how important it is to keep the kids safe, and then say we love you and we want you in our kids' life and we need your help. We need your help to protect our kids, and so this is what that might look like in your home and include them in it. So it feels empowering and it feels good and like you're on the same page and they're not being attacked, and then they'll hopefully take that on. Now they might mess up here and there. They're human. It's a new thing for most grandparents. But if we can include them and make them feel like they're important in what they do and how they act and how they take care of our kids, it's more likely to go well and everyone on the same page.
Mandy Majors:Well, and I would say also, that's really great. I would say, have conversations with them about what a gift they are. You know that they get to create special memories. I mean, I know my kids. They look back on spending time with their grandparents and they have baking and gardening memories and they'll cherish those forever, right. And so you, you know grandparents, you have an opportunity here that to spend all this quality time with them and they will, they will cherish it.
Mandy Majors:The other thing, too, is just talking to the grandparents and and I'm just going to say this and it's going to maybe sound bad, but sometimes us and the grandparents are worse at being on our screens than the kids are yes, like we are. And so maybe having that conversation with the grandparents too, and not accusatory, like Kim said, and being like I struggle with this too, but we have to realize we're the model. So I know you've gotten comfortable because typically, when you're home by yourself, you can just be on your phone all the time and it's no big deal, right, but now they're here and you only have this many hours with them, and so maybe, if you could, just you know we have to be the model because they look to us and they're going to model what we're doing. I think having that conversation is really important too. Yeah, absolutely Okay.
Mandy Majors:We had another thing in the chat that I think is really good. It says I would add here depending on age of grandparents, switching the thinking to how can I help my grandparent. So explain that a little bit more like chores for grandparents.
Kim Elerick:Oh so I think I know what she's saying. So, like I have my two oldest and even my nine-year-old we just had this conversation a few weeks ago. It's really hard for my mom to mow her lawn, to do things like pressure wash, to clean up high or down low like baseboards, things like that. To clean up high or down low like baseboards, things like that.
Kim Elerick:Instilling in your kids to looking at how they can honor and help their grandparent is fabulous. Like, how great is that to learn to serve those that are in need, and not just grandparents, but starting with grandparents. So having grandparents make a list or, you know, have a conversation about these are things that would just bless me so much. And then instilling in your kid to look for that in ways that they can help and that's not on a screen or things they can do together. Like you said, even the other day my, my kids went over and they helped my mom plant her wild flower garden in the front and do a new border and do the tilling and all that stuff. It's hard on her but she was out there with them and they were talking and they were laughing the whole time and it was a great quality time, not on a screen for a couple of hours.
Mandy Majors:And they were helping her, and your kid is serving someone and learning the value of that, and grandparents will love this. They will cherish it. I mean, they will tell everybody in their little Bible study group how wonderful their grandkids are that they came over and did this, and so I think this is a really, really good point. I'm so glad that you mentioned that. That is an excellent, excellent point that you put in the chat. Anyone else? Okay, here's another one.
Mandy Majors:I have a dear friend who has a very young child, who already has a phone and an Instagram account that is not private. How can I gracefully approach this topic and express my fear of her child getting into something scarier and appropriate, like unsafe people following their child's account without causing defensive or hurt feelings, following their child's account without causing defensive or hurt feelings? So this is a really good question. You have a friend, she has a young child with Instagram and it's a public account, so there's a lot of cause for concern there. How do you approach your friend and tell her without causing hurt feelings? Kim, you want to start with this one causing hurt feelings, kim, you want to start with this one? That's a great question.
Kim Elerick:This is a hard one because I have some different thoughts on this, and this is just my opinion. Your family, your choice. I feel like if my child is spending time with this child, then I would approach it from that perspective. I would say, hey, you know, I listened to this podcast or I went to this presentation, or I've been reading this book and I've really learned a lot about the dangers that our kids are facing now that we didn't have to worry about. And so I noticed or my kid told me about your kiddo's phone, and that's just something concerning when my kid's around that my kid might be exposed to something, not on purpose, not with any malicious intent, but just because they hang out together and they enjoy each other's company and maybe they're looking at the phone. And so I was wondering if you knew about these dangers or how to set up parental controls like what do you think? I would phrase it that way, so that I'm not attacking the mom, I'm just creating conversation and hopefully the mom or dad will respond in a way that we can continue the conversation and get to a point where she's like, well, what would you do? And then I get to say I would do this, this and this, and here's why and here's some resources.
Kim Elerick:Now, if my kid is not spending any time like if this is a friend that I'm friends with as an adult and our kids are not friends, then I tend to think it's a different type of conversation, unless they are asking me for my opinion, or have you heard this, or what do you think about this? Or I saw this article and it was so crazy and they open that door. That's when I'm going to approach the conversation. I'm not going to go in and say, hey, you know, I know about your kid and their Instagram and it is awful, like you got to get rid of that. Then she's going to feel like she's failed as a parent, and nobody likes to feel that way. We already feel that way. We already feel attacked or like we're letting down our kids at times. So I think it's a two-pronged approach, depending on the situation, but both of them I would go in either creating conversation over just a general topic or presenting it in terms of how it's affecting my child and creating conversation around that.
Mandy Majors:Well, and I would say, if you're really close to this friend, or maybe even you know it could be a family member like this, maybe as your sister and this is your niece or whatever maybe even you know it could be a family member like this, maybe as your sister and this is your niece or whatever Right, I think, also just approaching it. I always tell parents like, throw me under the bus, be like man. I heard this weird podcast the other day about this Instagram scheme. You know you can send them Walker story that we have on our podcast. But you can say I'm hearing these things that are crazy happening on Instagram right now and I got to thinking she is Instagram, right, I'm really concerned about her Just going in it like that, to where you are bringing it up like you just learned about it too. You're learning too, and not a judgmental, accusatory tone. The other thing, too, is anytime, maybe you can speak from out of experience. So, like for me, I would probably approach it like, hey, I may have given my kids Instagram too young and I noticed this, this and this, and so I'm concerned because I love you guys and you know there's this great, you know nonprofit. You can point them to us.
Mandy Majors:We will always be the bad guy. You know, just, we're raising awareness, we want to get stuff out there, and so you can always say I learned this on this podcast the other day and I'm concerned, so you're just bringing it up, you're not telling her how to parent, you're not making her feel bad. You know, this whole parenting a phone thing, it's blindsided. All of us, we've all screwed it up, like, let's be honest, all of us have had missteps. All of us have parented this phone somehow that we wish we could take back. Or we were like, oh, we did that completely wrong and so go into it with that tone, so that she doesn't feel like she's awful because we're all just trying to figure it out. We're all doing the best we can. This was a very great question.
Kim Elerick:I just want to throw one more thing out there and I don't want it to sound cliche, but I can't tell you how many times I've had a situation like this and I've prayed and said Lord, create a space where it's very obvious that this is my time to speak up or say something or speak into, and I can't tell you how many times where it was just like super random and it was obvious, like, oh okay, lord, this is, this is the moment, and so if you have one of these awkward, difficult situations, ask God to create the space in the moment and make it clear to you and give you the words. Give you the words to say Amen, always do that.
Mandy Majors:Always pray when you're having a conversation with your kid, with a dear friend, with your spouse. Always pray before you know. We give you all kinds of talking points and thoughts and what's worked in our family, but God knows you and your situation way better than we do, and so always pray for his wisdom and he will guide you in the right time and also like in the right way to bring it up. Well, we are going to be here at Next Talk helping you, and so we would love for you to follow us on Instagram. You can DM us there anytime or send us a message at admin at nexttalkorg. We're here for you.
Mandy Majors:We also want to remind you that our website, nexttalkorg, has over 300 podcasts and you can search by topic on there. We also are starting to do some resource packets and some downloadables, and those are over on our website as well. So if you're struggling with a topic, go there, search first and then, if you can't find anything, or you listen to the podcast and you need more or whatever, then DM us, reach out. We are here to help you at Next Talk. It's what our nonprofit does.
Kim Elerick:I also want to say if I'm at Costco and I see a super cute sweater, I immediately text Mandy or my other friends and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's $11 and you have to have it. It's so soft. This is what we want you to do with Next Talk. If you hear one of our shows or you read Mandy's book or go to a presentation or listen to a podcast, please tell your friends. We tell them about great restaurants and our favorite chocolate and our sweater at Costco. Why wouldn't we tell them about things that could change their life, like tips and encouragement and a space where parents can be real and get help? Let's do that, so we encourage you, please. It helps us so much to grow the ministry and to share with others so that we can all be parenting in a similar space. So listen to a podcast, share it with a friend, tell them about Next Talk, reach out if you need help.
Mandy Majors:We love y'all a podcast. Share it with a friend, tell them about Next Talk. Reach out if you need help, we love y'all. This podcast is ad-free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit. Make a donation today at nexttalkorg. This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.