nextTalk with Mandy Majors
How do we keep our kids safe in a digital world? Technology has transformed childhood. Even if your child doesn’t have a phone, today’s highly sexualized culture overexposes kids to harmful content and conversations.
Join award-winning author Mandy Majors (TALK and Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World) for honest, practical conversations at the intersection of technology, culture, and faith.
There are plenty of tools to control technology — but at nextTalk, we go deeper. We help parents build the kind of trusting relationship where kids actually come to them when something goes wrong.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit dedicated to keeping kids safe by fostering a culture of open communication in families, churches, and schools.
nextTalk with Mandy Majors
My kid was exposed to porn and confided in me. Now what?
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KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Navigating Kids and Technology Safely
Speaker 1Welcome to the Next Talk podcast . We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world .
Speaker 2It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech , culture and faith with our kids .
Speaker 1So your kid came to you and said Mom , I just saw this . Or they confide in you , or they blurt out oh my gosh , but what they're telling you is I saw porn and I need help . And I think in that moment , man , it feels like a punch in the gut because their innocence has been stolen . That's what you feel like , right , it's ?
Speaker 2um , yeah , a punch in the gut . It feels angering . I've had this experience and it's like , seriously , they're not necessarily seeking it out and it finds them , because our world is so sexualized and it's everywhere . It's very frustrating in that moment because no matter what you do , it happens .
Speaker 1So maybe they've gone to a friend's house and it got brought up at the friend's house . Maybe they got sent a link , maybe they were just playing a kid-friendly game and they clicked on something and then it popped up and your kid was exposed . No matter what happens , your kid has been exposed , but they can fight in you . They bring it to you and they're like mom , dad , help me with this . Here's the thing I know . In that moment it doesn't feel like a win , because you're like dang it world , you're not going to have my kid . That's what I felt . Like Right , yes , but I want to encourage you right now . If your kid told you , it is a big , big win .
Speaker 2Yeah , and it's hard to say that until you've walked through it and in that moment you almost need to prepare , like hopefully this show is happening and you're listening before it happens . Because when they bring that to you and you feel punched in the gut , it really does take a moment to breathe and step away from the panic and the anger and say , okay , but they came to me , I get to speak into this . Instead of the world explaining what they saw or how they should feel about it , I get to talk to them . I get to share or point them to scripture . I get to talk to them about how this can change their future relationships . That is a win .
Speaker 1It tells me a lot about a person's family culture . You know , when parents contact us and they're like my kid told me this and my first response is always you're doing it , mama , you're doing it . I mean you are creating a culture where your kids saw something that made them feel weird and they knew it was off and you're the safe place they want your guidance . It just tells me a lot about the open communication and the healthy dialogue that's happening in that home . So , first of all , if you are listening to this show because your kid has seen porn and you're feeling punched in the gut , like I want to say well done , good and faithful servant , you are creating a good next , talk , culture of conversation in your home .
Speaker 2We're giving you a digital pat on the back because we know how hard it is . It is not easy to have this kind of culture in your home , because you hear things and you have to talk about things that are uncomfortable and awful , and you know things about other kids and families and at school , and it's exhausting . You just want to crawl in bed , you know , at the end of the evening , but that's maybe when your kid talks and how you start to build that culture of communication . So yes , mandy and I were there with you and it really is a big deal , and so pat on the back to you because you're doing it .
Speaker 1Your kid feels safe . Now my next question to you , though , parents , is how did you respond ? Yeah , so you know , this is where I have gone crazy parent mode before , and what I mean by that is they bring it to me and I go ballistic and say , okay , no more of that app , we're throwing away the iPad , whatever it is . You just go ballistic because you want to . You go , mom bear , you want to protect your kid . So if you've done that , we're going to have to step back and circle back and apologize , and this is the reason when we respond that way , and this is what I've learned for years of of doing this . When I would respond that way , I was setting up a culture in our home that when something bad popped up , they wouldn't tell me because they would lose the app or I'd throw away the phone . So they would just hide it me because they would lose the app or I'd throw away the phone , so they would just hide it .
Speaker 1And Satan loves this , because that is where sin and shame survive is in the secrecy , and that is what we're trying to prevent here . We want to bring it into the light . So , anytime they bring us something , and tell us , even if we're mad that it happened , we have to praise them for telling us . Thank you so much for telling me I am so proud of you . Then you can talk about maybe why we have to protect our heart and mind from that app , or protect our heart and mind from that social media until they get older , because this is a lot , you know .
Speaker 1You can have those conversations , but it's it's instead of just flipping out and going crazy parent mode and shutting it all down . We don't want to do that because that sends them a message that they can't confide in us , and it will . This will cross over into other things , boundaries being crossed . You know we just did a series on sexual abuse . I mean this starts with pornography . We have to , they have to feel safe telling us uncomfortable things and then we responding with a thank you so much for telling me .
Speaker 2Well , and a couple of things here . You know , we've asked them to tell us . We've created these guidelines . We've said I want you to come to me with things that you see or hear and I want to help you process , and then if we punish them for doing that , we're really creating this confusing situation for them . So if we've said to do this and they come to us , we need to be celebrating that with them . You've done , done what I've asked , and so then I would say it's a praise and then it's a process . I want to praise you for what you've done now and let's process it together .
Speaker 2And a lot of times in my home , what has helped so much , especially as my kids have gotten older , but even when they were little is well , what do you think about it ? Do you think you should still have that app Helping them learn to process ways of protecting their own heart and mind ? Because if I just shut it down , take it away and say you know what , that is really bad . Let's get it off your phone or let's get it off the iPad . Yes , that's helpful in the moment , but it's kind of that long-term thought process of , yeah , this is really bad . How do you think you could protect your heart and mind . And a lot of times my kids will have really good ideas . They create the solution and we decide on it together . And so , yeah , it's praise first and then process how you're going to move forward from that .
Parenting and Processing Sexualized Content
Speaker 1If you're out there and you're like , oh great , I threw away the iPad last night because something popped up on Roblox A lot of sexualized content on Roblox and we have a show on that , if you want to go check that out . But if you're like I just threw away the iPad , mandy , like what do I do now ? This is what you do , and I've had to do this and it works really well , and me too .
Speaker 1We've both messed up big time , many times you go back to your kid and you say hey , do you remember when you brought that to me on Roblox the other night and I went psycho and I threw the iPad away ? And your kid is probably going to be like yeah , I remember . You were crazy , probably going to jab at you . Let them jab at you . Then you say I am so sorry . I responded that way . You did everything right because you brought it to me and I am so proud of you and I want you to always do that .
Speaker 1The reason I got mad and went psycho is because I am angry that you were growing up in a world where that is on a kid's app . That shouldn't be the case . This shouldn't be readily available and I am mad about it and I'm going to stay mad and I'm going to figure out why this is happening because it's too sexualized for kids . But I am not mad at you . You did everything right .
Speaker 1So from now on , it's you and me on a team trying to work against this sexualized world that's trying to get your heart and mind to go down these places . So you got to work with me or a team , right ? That's how you go back . I've had to go back so many times and apologize to my kids because I went crazy parent mode . And if you're a parent that has never gone crazy parent mode , I kind of think you should , just so you can go back and apologize , because so much happens in that apology where you become a team and you're fighting against Satan and the sexualization of the world and it's just this beautiful moment in that apology .
Speaker 2It's so good for our kids to see us apologize , because it's not easy and it's so humbling for us to do that , but that models for them to have humility in their relationships , and that's what we want . We want them to serve and love their people , their future spouses and their children , and so that apology is more than just in that moment . It's serving them in a way that teaches them about what it looks like to be a wife or a husband or a parent in a healthy way .
Speaker 1We're all still learning and we're all growing in our relationship with Christ and we're not always going to get it right , us or our kids . So that apology and that humility , it's key to creating a next talk culture in your home . It's key We've covered that initial response , the crazy parent mode . The next thing is we have to shift and make sure our kid is okay . They have processed stuff that is difficult for even an adult to sometimes process . So this is the moment where you're crawling in bed with them at night , you're rubbing their back , you're asking them are you okay processing the images ? You just want to be a safe place .
Speaker 1Some of the things that I say here in this moment to my kids is you know , with pornography it changes the way you look at people . So you may be in a locker room tomorrow and people may be changing . And now you may be thinking about things that you didn't think about before because you saw pornography . You may be thinking about things that you didn't think about before because you saw pornography and Satan wants that . He wants you to objectify . People think they're just body parts . He wants you to think sexually . He wants to ignite that in you earlier than it should be ignited before your marriage or whatever , and so that is Satan's whole purpose is to get us to think along those lines , and so what I want you to do is process with me let's talk it through together on on how that and just you're going to need , depending on your kid's age . You're going to have to be careful with how much you say . You know we want age appropriate , but you just need to make sure your kid is okay .
Speaker 1One of the things I've always said to my kids is , if you go to bed at night and you can't sleep because you have images in your mind , that's a red flag alert that we need to process that together . You know , because Satan is wanting you to hide in that shame and secrecy and and stew there and and it'll make you spiral into unhealthy places , and so those are the things we need to process . You can also talk about other things , like maybe it's scary movies or , you know , this is why we don't watch scary movies , because when you go to bed at night , you think about that and we have to protect our heart and mind because it takes you to a dark place . So it's the same thing with pornography . It's the same thing with just sexualized R-rated movie content . These are the things we're talking about with our kids .
Speaker 2Well , and I think sometimes because we're angry or sad that our kids have been exposed to this , we want to dig in right away and have this processing moment with our kid . Every kid is different and so you also don't want to push to a place that's uncomfortable , that your kid feels like , oh my gosh , I don't want to do this . So you really need to read your kid also . So maybe you crawl in bed with your kid and they only say a little bit , that's okay , circle back to it , Don't go into lecture mode or pressing so hard that now it becomes an interview and you're a prosecutor in a courtroom . You want to be there for them and an open space where they can talk it through on their terms .
Speaker 2And so I know I have a kid that we need to be taking a walk or playing basketball or doing something active . That's a better place for him to process and he needs time . I have another kid that is the crawl on the bed . Let's talk about it right away . So knowing our kid is a very important part of this process , because this topic is such a big deal and it's going to be ongoing . So allow them that space that , if they're not quite ready that night or right when it happens , don't freak out . It doesn't mean they're not going to , but give them time and circle back to it .
Speaker 1That's such a good point , because sometimes your kid just needs to process and they don't want to talk . In the moment they don't . The other thing that I found , too , is if they don't want to talk about it . One thing that I have found that kind of works is saying well , you know , I looked at the pictures because I had to report it or whatever , or I wanted to see what you saw and I'm having trouble processing as an adult , and so I know it's got to be difficult for you . That way it makes them feel like it's not weird that they're having trouble with it or that they're thinking about it because you're struggling with it , right , and so just again it like takes that wall down a little bit .
Speaker 1But I think you're so right , kim , and that's such a good talking point is you got to know your kid when your kid likes to talk and and if they're a processor and just need a day or two and definitely don't become the interviewer or the lecturer , because then it becomes not conversation , it becomes this thing where they feel like they've done something wrong , and at this point they probably haven't , because they brought it to you . That's the win that we continually want to focus on . They brought it to you , they want to process with you . You are their safe place , and so remind yourself of that . Um , if you're feeling frustrated that they may not talk to you as much .
Speaker 2One last thing on that point that I didn't learn right away , but as my kids got a little bit older I started to realize , um , use normal words like it . You know , when you're talking with your kid about something , it's real easy because it's stressful or we're overwhelmed or sad or mad to go into , like using words that we would use with our friends , or more using words that they wouldn't use or wouldn't relate to . And I have found with my kids , if I keep it short and simple and the way that we would talk about like going to eat lunch , like hey , what do you want ? If I keep it very casual , then they're more comfortable opening up to me . So when you do go to have these conversations with your kids , don't feel formal , just be normal . I didn't mean to rhyme , I really did it , just be normal .
Speaker 1That's kind of good . That's kind of good , Kim . That may be a little saying don't be formal , just be normal , Right .
Speaker 2It takes down the wall , they relax , they feel like , okay , this isn't , it's not some weird moment , I'm just going to talk to mom , you know . And so use normal words , normal lingo and keep it short . Just open the door for the conversation .
Speaker 1The other thing too , as you're walking your kid through this and being the safe place , just become educated on why pornography is bad for your brain . It's bad for your future relationships . It becomes self-centered , it increases the demand for sex trafficking , it objectifies people , it increases the rape culture . Like I'm just spewing out like go do the research for yourself . There's a great organization called Fight the New Drug and we plugged them on the last show . But they have a lot of scientific based research that you can go look at . Go to their website and then we gave you some other resources too . But you just want to get educated . If you have a little kid , go get that good pictures , bad pictures book . We talked about that on the last show .
Speaker 1You just need to switch from lecturing . We don't want you to just scream out porn is bad . Don't do it . That is not helpful . That is shameful . If your kid is already watching porn and they're nervous about it , that just doesn't help anything . Instead , we need to switch in our mind . Instead of lecturing and shaming , we're going to educate . So it becomes about educating , and you can do this in a way that is very humble , like I read this research today Since you saw porn . Now I'm digging into researching why it's bad for your relationships and your brain and I found this quote . This is amazing . What do you think about this ? So you're just educating them on why pornography is bad for them them on why pornography is bad for them .
Speaker 2And again , with you educating yourself , you're setting that tone for your kids that as they go through life , it's very important to not just go with what someone else says , follow someone else's opinion , but to dig in and learn why something is good or bad for them , and so they need to see you doing that . They need you to not just be spewing things but to actually be sharing real information . That's such a good life skill that we get to teach our kids , and this is a great one for them to learn it with .
Speaker 1It's going to transcend to gender identity , gender surgeries , sexualized content . You know just their faith , their faith , yeah , their faith . I mean over and over again . This is a good life skill . This has happened to me . Is it good or bad for me ? Let me research all the sides , then put it through the filter of God's word , and then we're going to figure out if this is healthy for me or not . It's such a good , good skillset .
Speaker 1The other thing I want to say is when , as you're educating your kids on pornography and the dangers of it , follow the money and you can do research on this too . Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry , so the sooner they get kids hooked on this , the more profit they get . We're seeing this also with gender surgeries . We did a show called Pronouns . You can go listen to that . If you follow the money , educate your kids on this . You are being marketed to as a consumer . People want you to spend money on things , so they get you to go down certain paths
Continuous Conversation About Pornography With Children
Speaker 1. That is a conversation you need to continually have with your kids , and it's part of this educational piece that you're doing .
Speaker 2Well , and you can see how the conversation evolves . You start with good pictures , bad pictures , when they're little and as they're growing up , you're pointing them to scripture . You're talking about how this affects their relationships . Then you're going into hey , follow the money . This is an ongoing conversation with your kids that never ends and why it doesn't have to be a lecture . It's an ongoing conversation that comes in little bits where they process the older they get and really start to understand why this is such an important issue , why it's so important to talk about .
Speaker 1Yeah , you're going to . This is not a one-time conversation . It's a continual discussion in your home about why pornography is bad , why other things are bad for you . Yes , one thing I want to leave you guys with is if you're a , if you're a mom or a dad who is just walking through this with your kid and you just I just walked through this with a mom and she's texting me saying this is so hard because I'm so mad that it happened , but I'm also so honored that my kid feels safe with me and she's crawling in bed with me at night and we're talking through it . All you know , and this is what I just keep telling her I never in a million years thought my kid being exposed to porn in the fourth grade . I never thought in that moment that I would ever say it was one of the best things that happened to our family . But I can say that because of our God .
Speaker 1In Deuteronomy 23.5 , it's one of my favorite Bible verses . It says the Lord turned the curse into a blessing because the Lord , your God , loves you . And so if you're in this moment where you're crying tears because your kid's innocence has been stolen , I want to say speak it out loud , tell your father and pray that this changes your family . This changes the way you talk about culture . Now that you have been awakened , your kid has been awakened , the enemy can't scheme anymore because we're bringing it into the light and talking about it , and then we're creating this new culture of open communication where we're talking about all the things and that is what's going to keep your kids safe . So what if the very thing that you're mad at is actually the thing that's going to wake you up to keep your kids safe long-term ? That's what he did for me and that's what I'm praying he does for you and that's what I'm praying he does for you .