Am I two-faced?

Has your kid ever come home and said, “My friend is acting differently when we’re around friends. His parents have no idea what he’s doing or saying!” How do you handle that? If we’re being honest, we all struggle with being a little two-faced because we’re all flawed and imperfect. There are some GOLD conversations that can happen in this moment to strengthen the relationship with your kid and to grow their faith! Don’t miss them!! 

Chapters

• 0:02 Teaching Kids Authenticity and Honesty
• 7:44 Creating a Safe Place for Honesty
• 16:01 Developing Genuine Relationships With Kids
• 26:12 Mirror Reflection and Self-Deception

Transcript

Mandy Majors: 0:02

Welcome to the next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim Elerick: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids. So over the years I've had several times where my kids have come home after a birthday party or some event at school or when they've been hanging out with friends or classmates or some event at school or when they've been hanging out with friends or classmates and it's an event or a time where friends have been there with parents or teachers or other adults and they've come home and said it's so weird. My friend acted a little differently around these people than they do when it's just the kids, and it's been an interesting conversation because they don't understand why that they would be different around different people, and trying to navigate that as a parent is not easy. We've talked about what that means, like the idea of being two-faced or having a double personality or being ingenuine, but also that line of everyone's a little bit different in different circles, and so we thought this would be a good show to discuss because I think it's something everyone runs into.

Mandy Majors: 1:12

Yeah, I mean, we all probably have kids who will tell us mom, this kid is doing this and their parents have no idea. Yeah, and that's really hard as a parent, like what to do without information. First of all, because it's a sticky situation Like do you know the parents? Like it's a lot of discernment on if you even get involved with externally right, that's a whole other show. And then I don't think that's what we want to talk about here today. But I think about what we want to cover here today is like the internal process of how to process that with your kid and how to create some conversations about that.

Mandy Majors: 1:50

And I think one of the first things that I would always say to my kids is we can deal with a lot of things. You can mess up, you can choose things that I'm not going to agree with or not going to like or whatever. But if we don't have honesty, if I can't trust you, if you're living a double life, that is foundational. That's a break of the relationship. So it's a plate that's been broken and it has to be glued back together before we can do anything else.

Kim Elerick: 2:20

Well, and it's still not as strong as as it was before Initially. When you glue it back together, that crack is still visible. It's a long process.

Mandy Majors: 2:28

Yeah, and we covered this on a on a previous show, I think it was called something about my kid has been lying. You know they've broken my trust. Where do we go from here? I think in my home, like this is one of the serious things you know we always talk about. You have to be careful. You can't be a nag about everything, right. But this is something that I have maintained a focus on since they were little is I have to trust you. I have to trust you.

Mandy Majors: 2:57

So if I find something on your phone you haven't told me about, or I hear about something that you and your friends are doing that you didn't tell me about, or that your friend is doing whatever, that is a serious situation.

Mandy Majors: 3:09

Versus you're at a party and somebody messes up or you mess up but you tell me, like that's a whole other situation, right, I mean, it's still conversations that we have to have about, maybe why that behavior isn't good or whatever, but at least the relationship is not fractured. And so talking about that from a very early age and building on it always like make this one of your major deal breakers, and when you see it happening outside of your home with their friends, you need to say I feel really sorry for this mom. She has no idea what's going on. Like that breaks my heart. If she ever finds out I don't know how she's going to trust him again. Like this is a serious situation and I think being able to talk with your kids about that it makes them see the severity of it, like the lying, the double life, the being two-faced, like it's a real issue.

Kim Elerick: 4:00

And before we dive more into that because you're absolutely right, Manny, like that's a huge part of this conversation I do want to make sure that we are clear about the distinction between things like inside jokes and being silly and you know, all those things that even you and I, you know as friends, we're different than we are with our kids and that doesn't mean we're leading a double life. It's just, those are surface things, right, they're silly things, they're fun things, they're things that aren't affected by our core beliefs and values. What I tell my kids is I want you to have a different relationship with your friends. I am not your buddy. Your friends and you. You should have silly things that are different than the conversations you have with me and dad. That's normal.

Kim Elerick: 4:44

But foundational truths, your morals, your beliefs that's what we're talking about here. If you are willing to compromise those things to fit in, to be popular, to not make other people comfortable, because you're people pleasing, any of those types of things, if you're willing to do that, that's what I'm talking about. If you're thinking this is what socially, everyone's doing and I just want to jump on that bandwagon, and you're willing to compromise things that are core values, we have a problem and that's what this show is about, Not the silly surface things. It's the core beliefs that you have instilled in your kid and hopefully they have latched onto in their heart in their own way with Jesus and they are living those out. If they're willing to compromise those and they're living this double life, like with you, they're one way. With their friends they're completely different. That's where the struggle is. That's where the problem is that we want to address.

Mandy Majors: 5:41

You know, think about it with your own friendships and people that you see post on Facebook and Instagram and stuff like adults, right, we will watch some of our friends that we know in real life they're really struggling big time with something right, maybe it's their marriage and, you know, maybe we're praying for them and we're like, oh my gosh, this is a serious situation. And then you turn on Facebook one day and there's a post like that that they're the happiest and you're like, oh my gosh, this feels so weird, this feels performative, it feels fake, it feels two-faced. Like don't be that person. And we all struggle. Like we all struggle. But I think when you're going through that struggle, you just take a minute from Facebook so that you're not misrepresenting what's going on in your life. And that's a teachable moment.

Mandy Majors: 6:28

When you see somebody in your own life, an adult, doing this, use it as a teachable moment with your kid. I mean, you don't even have to say that family name or that friend. You don't keep that anonymous from your kids, so it's not gossipy, but it's a. It's a life lesson of you know. I have a friend in my life and I know she's going through this, this and this, but on Facebook, she's presenting to the world that they're like the happiest in the world, like that's a problem, that's being too it is, and, like you said, it's not just the little things. These are like core, like it feels very fake and double life-like.

Kim Elerick: 7:02

So if you have young kids and you're like, okay, well, how do I teach this, how do I deal with this in my family so that they know what I'm talking about? This was something you know from a young age. We kind of did preventative, foundational work in our family. So all the things that you hear us talk about here at Next Talk like no lies, no secrets and that sounds maybe like different from this topic, but it's a foundational truth that if you have no lies and secrets in your family, then they will have that red flag alert, that moment when they're talking to their friends or they're in a situation where they're about to lie or they're about to do something that they're like well, if I do that, then I need to tell my mom and dad and then you know I'd be exposed. It creates a moment in their mind that if I'm just honest in this situation, I don't have to lie to my friends or my parents. And it also creates a safe place with you that if they see this kind of behavior in someone else, that they can come and tell you because they know that it's not right. So creating that foundational truth for them to stand on, that we don't have secrets, we don't tell lies in our family because it's a huge, huge deal. It breaks the relationship.

Kim Elerick: 8:11

If they know that from a young age, that really helps them to know okay, I need to be me here, there and everywhere, because if not, then it's a lie and it's going to break the relationships in my life. And creating that safe place that if something bad happens or uncomfortable or unknown to you, that you can come to me and ask me. I'm going to be completely honest with you and I'm not going to freak out and call the parents and call the school. I'm going to be completely honest with you and I'm not going to freak out and call the parents and call the school. I'm going to talk with you through it and we're going to figure out a solution together. And creating that safe place is such a foundational truth of next Talk and we've seen how it's transformed the lives of kids and families that that's a big part of this whole conversation, of being honest. Being one person at home and away from home, that's the place we have to spend. Almost the bulk of our time is creating that safe place with our kids.

Mandy Majors: 9:05

Yeah, you touched on two core principles there in your foundational stuff the no secrets in our family and we really implemented that guideline to keep our kids safe online from groomers and predators and that sort of thing. But on that show and every time we talk about that, we say this will protect them from so many things, so many other things, and this is a perfect example of that. If you have that no secrets in your family, it is creating a situation where you're just creating standard operating procedure, that we talk about everything, that this is open communication. Here we have a healthy dialogue. So whatever's happening, you can come home and tell me. And then I love what you said about the safe place, kim.

Mandy Majors: 9:45

I think the safe place is really important because I honestly think that's a lot of why kids are two-faced they don't feel safe being completely honest with their family. So, for example, you've got a young kid and all their kids are cussing and they're dropping the F-bomb because they feel the peer pressure. So if that happened to my kid, I would be so proud of my kid if they came home and said I said it and I'm struggling with it and I just need you to know. To me that would be amazing. That is a win because your kid is recognizing okay, my friends are influencing me and I'm doing this behavior and I don't like it. Can we talk about it? But I think what happens is, instead, kids feel like my parents are going to be disappointed in me, I'm not living up to their expectations, and so they become this two-faced, double life thing. And I think if we can play that out in our mind and then tackle it on the forefront, being preventative with that, I think that's where the real win is there.

Mandy Majors: 10:46

And what I mean by that is telling your kid you're going to make mistakes, you're not going to get everything right and I'm going to love you the same, like I'm always going to love you unconditionally. You may like a movie or music or things that I don't like, and I want to talk about that. Even though I may not say this is my favorite choice of music, I don't like this I still want honesty. Again, this is the deal breaker for me. Right, I need honesty and transparency and realness. But if we have this two-faced situation where you are feeling like you have to lie to me, that's just a whole other ballgame that we have to tackle. It's a whole breakdown of the relationship, and we can't move forward in anything if we don't have that.

Kim Elerick: 11:28

I think you're spot on. I think that disappointment factor is huge, and I think we need to be very honest and open with our kids about that, and I think we miss it a lot because we don't think that they think of it through that lens and that's okay. That's okay that they're not using the same words or thinking through it the same way we do. We need to have that conversation, though, because I see it time and time again Kids are cursing, they're talking about over-sexualized material, they're being mean to someone and kind of bullying them in class, and then, in front of their parents, they're like this angel child because they don't want their parents to be disappointed, instead of I'm really struggling with this thing that I'm doing, or I'm thinking about and I need help because I don't know how to handle it, and they think if I say that to my parents, they're going to be mad, they're going to shut down everything, I won't be able to have friends over, you know, they're going to take away my electronics, whatever it is instead of my parents going to say, oh my gosh, I struggled with that too.

Kim Elerick: 12:30

Let's talk through it and figure out how we can help you. You know how we can get past that.

Mandy Majors: 12:35

How you respond when your child makes the first biggest mistake in their life is going to determine if your kids feel like they can be two-faced or not with you Like it's just going to determine it it is.

Kim Elerick: 12:47

But I do want to say this If you messed it up the first time, because so many of us have, it's okay to say man, I messed that up because I was scared. It's the first time I'm parenting this, but I understand how you felt and I want to do better. Let's talk it through and I want you to know that I'm your safe place.

Mandy Majors: 13:06

It's okay to apologize, circle back and then work through it so that they know moving forward, they can come to you An apology can correct so much and create so much new conversation, and I like what you said there, kim. A key phrase that I know that we've talked about a lot that we both use in our home is this is the first time I'm parenting this. I'm so sorry. I got ahead of myself and I didn't handle it well, and I'm very sorry for that. I had to do that this weekend.

Mandy Majors: 13:36

Kim, you just said something really important too, because and it just reminded me of the gap of our kids' ages you were like, if your kids are cussing or talking about sexualized content or something like that, right, those are the examples you gave. So in my mind, because I'm a parent of older kids, I was like, oh my gosh, you know, my examples are kids are having sex, or they're literally watching porn four to five hours a day, or they're using drugs, and you can tell this spirals really fast, right From where your kids are in middle school to where mine are.

Mandy Majors: 14:14

You know high school and college and this is a great teachable moment. If you are a young parent, so say that you have a. Your kid is hanging around a group and they're starting to cuss and all the things, and your, your kid, is confiding in you and you're talking about it, which is amazing. That's a win. If you've got the insider information like that, this is a perfect example of okay, I'm less worried about the cussing and I'm more worried about the fact that they're starting to lie to their parents and live a double life, because if this doesn't get under control, what's going to happen in a couple years? The stakes are higher and they're lying about much bigger things and I have seen this play out with my children and their friends right, that it starts out something so simple that these kids are lying to their parents about and then it becomes a huge gap in the relationship to then the parent.

Mandy Majors: 15:12

You know we got a kid having sex and using drugs and the parent thinks nothing is happening, like nothing, that has no clue. This happens really fast. Now you don't want to say that to your littles like go, you know, say too much, too fast. But you can say this is a red flag that they're lying to their parents, that they're lying and this is an internal situation that's happening that we need to watch, because this is not healthy. And it may be that your kid may want to go to their friend and be like hey, I'm noticing, you know, you just did these two things and it bothers me that you don't. You wouldn't do that in front of this crowd or in front of your parents.

Kim Elerick: 15:54

So, like what's going on here with you, yeah, for sure I have noticed with my kids. One of the things that has been very helpful is when they come home with this type of situation, I'll say well, what do you think about it, how does it make you feel? And that creates really good conversation, because they'll say, like, well, I just think it's wrong or I don't understand why they would do that and lie about it to their parents, and that gives me that open door. So it's not a lecture, but it's a conversation. It gives me that open door to be like man.

Kim Elerick: 16:26

If you were doing that, how do you think that would affect your relationship with me and dad? How do you think that would affect your relationship with Jesus? Because ultimately, when we sin, when we do things that are not good or pleasing to God, that creates separation from Him. And it gives me that chance to go down that road and point them to Scripture. Talk about our relationship of open communication, and so it can be very simple and not a lecture of just wow, I'm sorry to hear that, what do you think about that? And that has created so many good conversations in our home on this topic.

Mandy Majors: 17:00

What you're doing here, kim, and what we're trying to do is, yeah, we want the trust to be solid with our kids, no matter what they're struggling with. You know loving them the same, being able to talk about all the hard things for sure. But this is setting them up to for their future relationships. I mean their marriage. Think about your own marriage, right, about how sometimes you may not be completely honest with your spouse about something because you know they're going to look at you differently or whatever with this and it's so hard. Versus hiding and having a two-faced life, you're setting them up these conversations.

Mandy Majors: 17:48

We don't want to just gloss over them what they're going through with their friends. It sets them up for their future relationships. I mean, there's so many fractured marriages around us and I feel like at the core of it, it's this kind of issue that we can't just be our complete self and love each other unconditionally and be honest about our struggles and bring it into the light. Instead, satan pushes us into this dark place where we're like they're not going to love me, they're going to leave me, and then we become this two-faced person. That that's not right, it's not healthy, it's toxic.

Kim Elerick: 18:23

It is, and I think you can even talk about it on a practical level with your kids as they get older. So you've got these, you've set this foundation, and everything you're saying is right, mandy, and it's so true it's toxic, it's not healthy, and we get to set that foundation with our kids and then, as they get older, we get to talk about the real consequences of that broken relationships. We get to talk about, you know, people pleasing. What does that mean? Because that can be a part of this double life at home. I'm trying to please my parents, but I also want to be popular or do what people think is cool, and so I'm engaging in these activities for that purpose, and so you become this double person because of that, and delving into that topic with older kids is so important. So important Because, starting in fifth grade, sixth grade, that's such a big deal that people pleasing, that feeling of I'm missing out on something.

Kim Elerick: 19:15

Everybody's doing it, I want to do it, and so being able to tackle that after you've set the foundation of being honest and truthful is really, really key. And that lack of trust, like what does that mean? Being able to explain that as far as in the relationships with you and with God, and how the fruit of that can be lifelong, and so it's a big deal. This is a conversation that can really affect your kids now and in the long run.

Mandy Majors: 19:43

Well, and at the heart of it, kim, at the heart of every conversation with the littles or the older kids, or even with your spouse, your peers. At the heart of it is we're looking at does your internal match what you're presenting to the world? Does it? And we're all going to struggle. None of us are going to be perfect. We're all going to struggle Like none of us are going to be perfect. We're all going to have things that we're working on. But do people think of you one way and you're actually another way? That is the core, key question here, and the Bible tackles this. I mean, matthew is all over this.

Mandy Majors: 20:17

I like Matthew, chapter six this is verses five and five and six. It says when you pray, don't be like hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I tell you the truth that is all the reward they will ever get. But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you. When I read this Bible verse, what I think about is the hard work you do in private. It will come out in public because of how you live your life. But the real work is on the internal. The real hard work is on your heart, between you and Jesus, and this is literally the foundational question of this whole conversation Does your internal match your external?

Kim Elerick: 21:18

One of the things that comes to mind as we navigate this conversation in our home over and over again. At the end of the day, what has God called us to do? Why are we here? And it is to spread the gospel. It is to share the good news. And how can we do that if we are saying we love Jesus on the inside but our actions and our words, like the Bible verse says, don't reflect that? How are we spreading the gospel? Because people can't trust someone who is not completely honest inside and out.

Kim Elerick: 21:54

One person wholly committed to Jesus and sharing the gospel, whether it's just through actions or it's through words, that is not going to reach anyone. And if that is our mission as Christians here, then this conversation really is at the core of our faith. Like being genuine in our faith and our relationship with Jesus is the best way to reach people, because they know and they feel something is different, even if you never say a word. And so I feel like being able to express that to your kids in a simple way when they're young and pointing them to scripture is key as they get older for them to really understand that. Being one-minded, not double-minded, being committed and truthful and honest about what I believe, who I am and who my Savior is, and so this is a big deal. This is a very big deal.

Mandy Majors: 22:50

Well, and when you're two-faced too, you hurt other people's walk. You hurt other people's walk. I've seen this impact on my own kids. So maybe it's a pastor or somebody they looked up to, or another student who's constantly sharing Bible verses, but then in real life they're just so mean and a bully and they're doing all these things and so it's like well, that's Christian. You're representing Jesus to a world who needs hope and you're doing more damage to the name of Jesus because you're a hypocrite.

Mandy Majors: 23:23

I love to Matthew. I want to just dive a little bit deeper here, because Matthew 24 to 23 to 20, I think eight, it's so good too. It says what sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. You are hypocrites, for you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the. And then he goes on to go even farther. He says you are like whitewashed tombs beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people's bones and all sorts of impurity. Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Mandy Majors: 24:12

God paints such a beautiful picture of us and he is mad. He is upset at these people because he knows they're damaging people's faith and how they see Jesus because of what they're doing. That's why this conversation is so important, because we've got to do the internal work. We've got to do the work between us and Jesus to get our heart right. And when we do step out of what God has called us to, we should feel something in our spirit like, uh-oh, what is this? And that is the place your kids are going to step into, that they're going to step off of that path, but that is the place when they veer off and they feel that, oh, what is this? That's what we want them to confide in us. That is where, then, we can disciple and help them, instead of them creating a double life and being two-faced.

Kim Elerick: 25:07

I do want to share one more verse, but before that I want to say you know, all of this that we've said goes back to creating that culture of open communication in your home and loving your kids despite what they're doing. And so when they come home and they have stumbled and they have acted differently than their true self, that we are not condemning and shaming them, that we are loving them in that space and saying I know it's hard, jesus never said it was going to be easy. And I'm not saying it's easy and I'm so thankful that you told me so that I can be your accountability partner, so that you can tell me we can talk through it, we can talk about different ways, you can handle the situation next time. And so when they're young and you build on that foundation of you, can come to me with anything. It sets them up for these really deep conversations when they're older. Like here is what God has called us to do, and it is life changing, like this verse James 1, 22 through 25. This is one that came to mind when we were talking about this show.

Kim Elerick: 26:12

Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says, which is hard for all of us. That's not what the verse says, but that's what I think when I read it. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it not forgetting what they've heard, but doing it they will be blessed in what they do.

Kim Elerick: 26:43

So when we read God's word and we store it up in our hearts and we get up in the morning and we say, lord, show me what to do today. If we do something completely opposite of that, we're deceiving ourselves and others. But if we are saying, lord, show me what to do today, and even if we stumble and struggle with it, but our intent is to be one person, not double-minded, and to do the best we can through the Holy Spirit, we will be blessed, and I think that's the hope and encouragement that we need to instill in our kids.

Mandy Majors: 27:17

I love that verse, kim. I think it's a great verse to wrap everything up that we're talking about here. I love how it says like when you look in the mirror and you walk away, you forget what you look like, because what is a saying we have here at Next Talk all the time Look in the mirror. Look in the mirror, right.

Mandy Majors: 27:33

And I guess my challenge to you parents is make sure that you're not falling into the trap of, well, I'm not two-faced, or my kids aren't two-faced. Everybody else is the problem. Because if we're all being honest, we're all a little bit two-faced, we're all imperfect and we're all trying to be more like Jesus, but we're not. It's hard, we fall, we struggle and I think, just again, never getting into that habit of, well, that's never me, I'm not two-faced. Be able to look in the mirror, pinpoint exactly what it is, what is my struggle and what do I need to work on, and then doing the hard work of you and Jesus fixing that. If you can model that for your kids, that's going to be a lesson that will transcend everything in their life. Kids, that's going to be a lesson that will transcend everything in their life. This podcast is ad-free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit.

Kim Elerick: 28:28

Make a donation today at nexttalkorg.

Mandy Majors: 28:35

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