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How do we keep our kids safe online? How do we protect our children in an overexposed, sexualized culture?
Join Mandy Majors (award-winning author of "TALK" and "Keeping Kids Safe in a Digital World") for real conversations about the intersection of tech, culture and faith.
nextTalk is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization keeping kids safe by creating a culture of open communication in families, churches and schools.
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Help! My child asked me a highly sexualized question.
We recently got asked, “How do I answer this highly sexualized question with my elementary aged kid?” We’ll tell you that exact question (it’s R-rated!), we’ll give you our answer and then we talk about practical ways to talk about sex with your kids.
KEEPING KIDS SAFE ONLINE
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Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.
Speaker 2:It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.
Speaker 1:Alright, so we couldn't even put this question in the title because we can't make it censored. Welcome to Next.
Speaker 2:Talk Right. Open communication can get a little saucy.
Speaker 1:No topic is off limits. So let me paint this picture for you. You're driving down the road and you've got your elementary age kid in the back seat, right, because they're not allowed to sit up front yet because they're not old enough, they're too little, they're too little. And you're driving to practice and it's just you and that kid right, and you're in your mom fog of thinking about everything you're going to do for the day get home, make dinner, whatever, from your elementary age kid yells from the back seat of the car hey mom.
Speaker 1:What is a blowjob?
Speaker 2:And everything inside you suddenly just dies.
Speaker 1:You're like, do I just end it Like turn the wheel and go into this ditch right now to avoid having to answer this question.
Speaker 2:Can they tell that I have now turned pale and I'm sweating profusely?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the good thing about them asking in the car. One is they don't have to look at us in the eye, so they can't see our reaction as well. So that's good. The other thing too I think these kids are just smart and they know I have to get out of this car in five minutes, so if she goes crazy like, I've got an exoplanet here.
Speaker 2:Amen, they're smart, they know what to do.
Speaker 1:So we want to dive into this question, but I think first of all I just want to say to all you parents out there that this has happened to. I've been there and it feels like a complete punch in the gut, like, oh my gosh, their innocence has been stolen. You get mad, you get bitter, like why does the world have to be so sexualized? Your mind just spirals as to why are they asking this? What have they been exposed to? What happened? And you go to worst case scenario in your mind because it's your baby. And so I do want to acknowledge all those feelings because I don't want to just gloss over and say, okay, put your mom filter on, don't go crazy parent mode. You know that's easier said than done, but you really do need to kind of process these emotions that you're going to be feeling with all of this and that's going to be, you know, later that night, a conversation with your spouse or your best friend or whatever. But you need to process that bitterness and that punch in the gut that you feel.
Speaker 2:It's definitely one of those things that in the moment like I've walked through this as well it feels like, oh my goodness, is this just my kid? This is overwhelming. What have I done wrong or what have they been exposed to? And not only does it help to process it with your spouse or like your best friend later, or both, but it also helps you to get out the emotion and realize this is a part of growing up for your kid. They're going to be exposed to things, they're going to hear things. It's going to happen, and the beautiful gift of that, which your friend and your spouse hopefully will remind you, is that they came to you. They didn't Google it, they heard it. They knew it was something different. Maybe they got the sense that it was like something bad or something you know. Maybe that is taboo among kids and instead of chatting it up or looking online, they came and got in the car and asked you. That is a parenting win for sure.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, because you know, think about what, if they had googled it, what would they have seen? They would have seen videos of girls and guys, of guys and guys, like that's what they would have seen. And so, because they felt comfortable, your kid feels comfortable asking you, you actually can save them from seeing pornography and I think if you shift that in your mind, you see the parenting win versus oh my gosh, what just happened here in the spiral that happens a lot of times. I do want to address something before we move forward in how we answered this question with our elementary age kids.
Speaker 1:I don't care how sheltered your kid is, they're going to be exposed to this kind of stuff, and I say that because I think a lot of times we're like, well, we home school or our kids go to a Christian school or whatever. That is a false sense of security, because the online world is everywhere. So, even if your kids are going to a great Christian school and have a great Christian community, most of those kids are spending time watching Netflix or online. So they're still getting this sexualized content and they may be talking about it at the launch table or on the playground. And, kim, I just want you to kind of speak into this because you're a home school and a Christian school parent and your kids are still being exposed. In fact, I would argue your kids are exposed faster than my kids were exposed just because they're younger and it's trickled. It's been a trickle down effect.
Speaker 2:Yes, the age, the age is now that kids are exposed to things are much younger, because the access to the online world is just everywhere and all the time, even in school, like every kid has a laptop, and I mean it's just a different world. And so what you're saying is absolutely true. In fact, I had a recent experience. I was visiting a church and this mom was saying exactly what you were saying and she was like oh, but you know, we're homeschooling and our kids won't be exposed to things, so we don't really have to worry about that. And it was a funny moment because the church I was visiting is where my child first heard the F word in Sunday school, and I was sharing that story with her and she just could not believe it.
Speaker 2:And I said it's because kids are being exposed to things in all these different ways and areas and spaces every single day. We cannot bubble wrap our kids, thinking that there, if we just keep them home, if we just keep them home, nothing's going to happen. If we just take them to a Christian school, if we just send them to the country school, whatever it is, they have access globally and anywhere they are, and so having these conversations with them and being a safe place for them to come and ask these really crazy, awkward, uncomfortable conversations and questions is the most important thing, no matter what environment your kid is in.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. So let's get back to this great question that we've had from our elementary age kid First of all, and the reason we're doing this show is I've gotten asked this question several times lately at events, and I was telling Kim about it and you know we've both had to answer this in our own homes and so we're like, ok, let's just do a show about this. So the first thing that I would say is you do not want to answer this question and it be the first sex conversation your kid and you have ever had. We don't want that, absolutely. Yeah, the first for me as a Christian parent, right, and it's your family, your choice. But for me as a Christian parent, I want that first sex conversation to be a beautiful picture in my kid's brain.
Speaker 1:And the reason I say that is because I grew up in a culture. I grew up in the, you know, purity culture, that that old sex culture in the church that was just like sex is bad, don't do it, like that's all of the conversation was sex is bad, don't do it. So I grew up thinking sex was bad and sex is not bad. Sex alone is not sinful, right, sex within a marriage is good. Sex outside of the marriage is sinful, and so what I want to do with my kids is paint a picture of that, and so one of the first conversations that we have, and so if your kid asks this question and you've never talked about sex before, I think immediately your response is OK.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for asking me. I'm so proud that you didn't Google it. That's what I always want you to do when you're curious. There's some other things that I want to talk about first, before we can get to this detailed question. So one of the things that I want to share with you is you know, sex is something you get to do when you're married. God created it for a marriage between a man and a woman, and that's how babies get made, and it is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing that you get to do. But we have to be really careful about this, because a lot of people do it before they get married or outside of the way God intended, and then we can get into some real trouble. Then it becomes a major issue.
Speaker 2:That's a beautiful description, mandy, and I think it's a great way to have this conversation with our kids, and we did the same thing, and kids are really good at latching on to things they can visualize, so it has also helped for us to explain it in that way. But we also gave them a very special visual that a friend shared with me years ago about the fireplace. You may or may not have heard this, but it really helped my kids to understand. We said what do you think about when you think of fire? And they're like oh, warm and cozy and curled up and it's beautiful. And we love being in front of a fireplace. And I said yes, I said when fire is in a fireplace, where it's intended to be, it's beautiful, it's safe, it's warm, it's all good things.
Speaker 2:But imagine if we didn't have the fireplace and the fire was all over the house. It was on the couch, it was on the floor. What would you think then? They're like oh my gosh, that's dangerous, that's scary, that could cause us to die, that's horrible. I said sex is the same way Within marriage, like fire within a fireplace, where it's supposed to be, it's beautiful, it's lovely, it's a gift. Outside of marriage, it's dangerous to your health, to your mental health, it's not a safe thing to do, and that really helped them because it was a simple explanation that they could relate to. So if you're explaining this to your kids for the first time you're having this sex conversation, that might be a good way to give them a visual to latch onto, along with the description about God's intent for marriage.
Speaker 1:Well, and if you don't have a fireplace and regularly have a fire at home, you could also use the analogy of a fence for your dog. We have that fence. The dog would love to just run wild. My dog would love for me to open the door and go crazy, but we have to have that fence because we live near a busy road, there are cars around, there are animals that could hurt my little dog, and so that fence is a protection and keeps the dog in a safe zone. Here's the thing that I don't want you to miss.
Speaker 1:When we talk about sex and about the way God intended it, what we want to do here more than anything is point kids to God's character. There's a reason why he said only sex between a man and a woman within a marriage. There's reasons behind that, and the more we dig into the word of God, the more we can see that it's a protection thing for us. And these analogies of the fence for the dog, the fire in the fireplace that helps kids see God in a new way, instead of seeing God in a way that's like, well, he's no fun and he just says this, this and this like a rule person. Instead it's. We're getting to know the character of God, like why would he implement this guideline for us? So don't miss that part of the conversation, because that is the huge, big, open communication talking point that we need here is to push our kids learning who God is and why he may have some of these restrictions on our life.
Speaker 1:I think this is a beautiful way to do that, but we want to paint the first sex conversation. We want that picture to be painted for them. Your kids may have questions and they may be like well, what do you mean? You get to do it when you're married. Use tangible ways to answer their questions. So one of the things that I had said was when my kids were little, they would walk in and me and dad would just be showering together, talking about bills and showering. Nothing exciting is going on in there. We're just multitasking really, like hey did you pay that bill.
Speaker 1:Did you pay that bill as I'm washing my hair? But our kids used to walk in and they would be with their sippy cuffs, whatever. And I would use those moments and be like, hey, mom and dad can take a shower together because we're married. We couldn't do that if we weren't married. It's just like Adam and Eve in the garden when they were naked at first before sinning in the world, and it was no problem because they were married and they were one couple and that was OK and there's no shame in that. And that's what we mean by you get to. You get to do this when you're married. You get extra privileges, you get extra cool things that you get to do when you're married. This conversation right here, I believe, will instill in your kid a desire to wait to have sex until they're married, more than you just saying sex is awful. Don't do it. I agree with you.
Speaker 1:I believe that with all my heart and I've seen it in my parenting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, 100%, 100%. I do want to add to that that conversation, as they're little, using those moments to plant those little seeds about what they're looking forward to. Why am I waiting? What is this thing? That is going to change over time because they'll start to see the world. They'll see, you know, aunt, whoever who has a baby but isn't married, you know, they'll see these different situations where they'll be like, okay, wait, you said, I get to do this when I'm married, but they're not married and they have a baby or they have a whatever situation.
Speaker 2:And so these conversations are going to grow. And so, the more that you can start them when they're young and plant those seeds of foundational ideas of God's design for marriage, then naturally those conversations will change when they get a little bit older and you can say the thing is, god gave us free will and choice and this is what he wants for us, for our mental health and for our ability to serve and be loved and to all the good things that he wants for us. But we get to choose and if we choose something different, there are consequences to that. There are difficult things and struggles that we will face if we choose those things, but it is an option. And then, of course, that leads to other conversations, but it's great to have that foundation so that when those other situations and the things they'll notice as they get older start popping up, you'll be ready to move on to the next level of the conversation about sex and marriage.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And as they get older, you're going to cover STDs, you're going to cover all of those unwanted pregnancies, all of that kind of stuff that if you do it God's way and your spouse does it God's way, then you don't have to worry about all of these external consequences that happen to us. The other thing, too, is I'm big on pulling in scripture all the time. When we're talking about these things, especially if your kids can read right, we want them being pointed to Jesus, not just a spoon feeding them. And Genesis 4.1 is just a real simple verse, but it says Adam made love to his wife Eve and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain, and that is just. They got to have sex within a marriage that was safe and that was okay kind of thing.
Speaker 1:But anytime you can point them to scripture, that's good too. As they get older, a great scripture for sex is 1 Corinthians, 7, 2, and 3. That's a wonderful one. But that is kind of difficult for a young kid, I think, to kind of grasp, because then it's talking about the equal pleasure. And that's when you're talking more about masturbation and sex being very pleasurable and that kind of thing, and that's an older kid question. So we're getting off track here, because this is such a good topic, right it?
Speaker 2:is.
Speaker 1:Let's circle back now. Cam to the original question. So we want to make sure that first sex conversation is not a description of a BJ BJ.
Speaker 2:BJ, which is a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1:We want the first sex conversation to be beautiful and something you get to wait for, and it's an amazing gift for marriage between a man and a woman. And then you need to circle back and be like, okay, we've had this conversation. Now I want to go back to your original question. Right, and I think you keep it very simple here. It's somebody's genitals and somebody's mouth and it is sex. That is a sexual thing and disease can be spread through it. There's consequences to that and it is sex, so it should not ever be done. You should never be seeing anybody's genitals unless you're married or you have to strip down for the doctor with your parents there, that kind of thing. You know those little exceptions, and so again you're just reiterating these parameters, these boundaries, this fence, this fire in the fireplace, kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm glad you said that as far as sometimes parents we get overwhelmed and then we start describing things and details. You know, and Don't do that. Keep it super simple, very, you know couple words genitals, mouth, that's what it is and also give your kid option. I think this is so important. This is actually something I learned from mandy cuz. My kids are much younger than hers and so she's my heads up mom, and so I have learned from her different strategies and things that have helped me so much, and this is a big one.
Speaker 2:When this question came up in our house, I said we had already had the sex conversation with this kid who asked and he heard it at lunch. This kid was saying bjbjbjbj, and I kid was like what in the world? And he came home and ask thank the lord? And I said well, buddy, you know that's something that is Part of the sex conversation, but I'm not sure it's something that you want to hear yet. Like it's, it's a different form, it's something that I might be a little much for your mind right now, and he was like you know what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it, and so I think it's real important to give your kid the option to let them know, which I did. Hey, if anytime you're thinking about it, daydreaming about it, you hear it again and you just have to know, I will tell you. I want to be your source, but I don't want you to have to hear it if you're not ready, cuz there's no reason for you to know these details. And I'm so thankful he at the time he knew, like you know what I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 2:And it was about three or four weeks later that he kept hearing it at school and hearing it over and over that he finally said, okay, I want to know what it is, but it was on his terms and it was when he was ready. And I think that's very important with these kinds of questions to always give your kid a choice well, I love this because I didn't get my kids a choice.
Speaker 1:I started explaining it and then I had one kid say oh my gosh, stop, I want to protect my heart and mind. And I remember telling him that, saying I think I messed this up. I think I should have asked first. And this is what next talk is right. We're learning as we go, learning together, and kim has now corrected that and she's giving her kids a choice. And I want to say this is if you haven't heard our protect your heart and mind show, you gotta go listen to that, because this is a core next talk principal. And your kid has grown up learning to protect his own heart and mind. So you have had all these conversations with him about when you're exposed to fast, you get images in your mind that you shouldn't get into you. He is now becoming a little advocate for himself, where he is like mom, I'm curious, but I don't want to know yet, and he's able to talk that through with you. This is gold, this is next talk parenting when right here, in that the sense of when he was curious, he didn't google it, he came and talk to you, but he also was advocating for himself, saying I don't think I want these details yet Until he was ready. This is what we're all striving for. This is this. Is it right here?
Speaker 1:You see, though, in this it didn't take away the fact that he's still asking the question, and I think that's where I want us to land on. Our kids are gonna be exposed. They're gonna be exposed. It's either are they, are they googling porn to see what their sexual question is, or are they feeling comfortable with us. And you know, when they ask us, we can't go crazy and we can't make it awkward, we can't be weird, or they're never going to ask us again. So it's like chill mom, logical mom. Yes, we're going to talk through this kind of thing in a matter of fact way, and we're not going to draw it out. We're not going to get drawings out or drafts or you know statistics. We're not going to go on for 20 minutes and all of that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:Now, as your kids get older, this conversation is going to evolve and they're going to be like well, can you do BJ in marriage? Is this what you're going to get? All of those questions? Probably not off the bat, but they're processing, they're building it up, and one of the ways that I answer that question is when you're married, that marriage between a man and a woman like they get to decide what they're comfortable with, but both parties have to be okay with it and whatever. And that's the beautiful thing about sex is that if you wait until you're married, it's two people learning it together and that is going to create a foundation for your marriage that you're not going to have. If you've given all this away and you've done it with other people and you've experimented, you're not going to have that foundation. And I want that for your marriage. I want that for you because that's what God wants for you, and it's a beautiful thing for these two people to come into this marriage and learn this together and be able to explore freely and and it not be a shame thing it's amazing.
Speaker 2:But that's so true, painting that picture and getting your kids excited about what they're waiting for and also being that safe place for them to land when all this weird, awkward stuff is coming their way every single day, for them to know, without a doubt I can come home, I can ask the question. You know, I had a mom the other day say, my kid asked me this question. The first thing that came out of my mouth was oh my little baby, I'm losing you and I was like oh no, don't do that, don't do that.
Speaker 2:So you know, it's one of those things we've got to practice, even if it's with your spouse, and that's another thing I just want to throw out there. You know, before we end here is one of the things that I also learned from you, mandy, and my heads up mom is it's okay to say yes, I will answer this question. You know, if you're sure you want to hear it, just give me a few minutes. I just want to pray about how to answer it. If you want to go have your crazy mom moment, then you can do it.
Speaker 2:Go in your bedroom and, like screaming the pillow, talk to your spouse, call your best friend, whatever you need to do so that you can come back and be like okay, let's talk about this. We're not saying that you don't feel those feelings, like Mandy said in the beginning. We feel them and if you can't process it enough in the moment to be cool and calm, just say to your kid yeah, let's talk about, just give me a minute and then I'll come back. But make sure you come back because you want them to know that they can count on you for an answer and that you're not brushing it under the rug and avoiding them.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad you brought that up. Yeah, I remember back in the day when I would get these highly sexualized questions and I had no idea. I felt like nobody was telling me how to answer these questions to an elementary age kid, right? And so I would have to process that and my whole thing was within 24 hours I would go back with them and I would set up a reminder on my phone. And sometimes I went back and they were like moved on. They were like you know what? I don't need to know it, and that was great. But sometimes you know, with like this BJ question, it would have been wait 24 hours and then I came back 24 hours and formulated a plan and then I said we need to cover some some other things first before we dive into this. And then you know you're setting up that beautiful picture of sex because we want that to be their first thought in their mind when they think about sex and how God designed it. That it is beautiful because it is, if it's done, the way God intended.
Speaker 2:So the point of the show really is the same place. Mandy and I have been in our family with our kids, where you know they're going to come home with these highly sexualized questions and, prayerfully, they will ask you what this means or what this is, and we hope today we were able to give you just some encouragement that you can do it, that you can answer these questions for your kids, that you can take a minute to breathe it's okay to feel the feelings, but make sure you come back and that there's a simple way to answer them and also prepare them for the bigger picture, which is marriage, the beautiful gift of marriage that God has given us, and paint that for your kids so they know what they're looking forward to. We'll link some other shows that may be helpful with this conversation, but today we hope we helped you with this crazy question. That's what being in Next Talk, baron, is this podcast?
Speaker 1:is ad free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit. Make a donation today at nexttalkorg this podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.